LIBRARY 

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SAN  §|EGO 


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FER THAT  ONE  WHICH  BELONGS 
TO  THE  HOUSEHOLD.  WE  LIKE  A 
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RETURNED.-  •  Talmage. 

*  f  * 


DONT     WORRY     YOUR       FRIENDS      BY 
BORROWIXG  THIS  BOOK.    BUYONE. 


Copyrighted  1901,  by  THE  NUT  SHELL  PUB.  Co. 


rU^vl^ 


j'J" 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


"That  men  are  merriest 
when  they  are  from  home." 
— Shakespeare. 


"  Their  thoughts  were 
fond  and  vain  in  the 
Midway.' ' — Milton. 


ENTERED    ACCORDING    TO    ACT    OF    CONGRESS,    IN    THE    YEAR    Igor,    KY 

THE   NUT   SHELL    PUBLISHING    CO. 

IN      THE      OFFICE      OF      THE      LIBRARIAN      OF      CONGRESS      AT      WASHINGTON 


DEDICATED 

—    TO    TUB    — 

SPIRIT  OF  PAN  AMERICA 

—    IN   — 

A  SPIRIT  OF  FUN. 


...FOREWORD... 


THIS  VOLUME  WAS  CONSTRUCTED  ON  THE  THEORY 
THAT  IT  IS  FAR  BETTER  TO  LAUGH  THAN  TO  WEEP.  HE 
WHO  FINDS  TWO  LAUGHS  WHERE  ONLY  ONE  HAD  PREVI- 
OUSLY EXISTED  IS  A  TRUE  BENEFACTOR  TO  MANKIND; 
AND  REALIZING  THAT  INFORMATION  COMING  IN  A  PLEAS- 
ANT GUISE  IS  ALWAYS  LASTING  AND  BENEFICIAL,  ITS 
MISSION  TO  AMUSE  ~IS  DOUBLY  ENHANCED  BY  ITS  POWER 
TO  INSTRUCT.  THE  SADDEST  OF  ALL  HUMAN  COMPLAINTS 
IS  THE  INABILITY  TO  LAUGH.  IF  THIS  BOOK  WILL  TEND 
IN  A  MEASURE  TO  ASSUAGE  THIS  AFFLICTION,  AND  IN- 
CIDENTALLY IMPART  A  FEW  LESSONS  IN  PHILOSOPHY 
AND  KNOWLEDGE,  THEN  ITS  EFFORTS  WILL  NOT  HAVE 

BEEN  IN  VAIN. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


.* 


SENOKITA    SOUTH    AMERICA    MAKES    GOO    GOO    EYES    AT    UNCLE   SAM. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  15 

•MIRTH  is  GOD'S  MEDICINE" — HENRY  WARD  BEECHER. 


.HERE  are  two  sides  to  every  story: 
The  story  of  the  Pan-American  Ex 
position  of  1901   had  its  funny  side, 
and  a  very  funny  side  it  was.  It  also 
developed   a  tragic   side,  little  sus- 
pected at  the  time   of  its  conception, 
and  which 
came    upon 
it    like    a 
thunderbolt  from  a  clear  sky. 

In  its  humorous   aspect   it  was  re- 
plete with   interesting  features   and 
personalities.    There   was   the  Arab, 
with hisbaggy  trousers;  the  Mexican, 
in    his     preposterously     wide- 
brimmed  sombrero, and  the  ab- 
surdly togged-up  Senegambian 
from   "Darkest  Africa" — who 
were  all   rich  in  mirth-provok- 
ing possibilities. 

The  visitors,  coming  from  every 
walk  in  liff^md  from  every  locality, 
frequently  contained  specimens  of 
humanity  of  such  queer  make-up  that 
not  to  laugh  would  stamp  one  as  en- 
tirely devoid  of  a  sense  of  the  ludi- 
crous. 

"The  Rainbow  City"  was  conceived 
in  a  spirit  of  humor.  Senorita South 
America  made  goo-goo  eyes  at  Uncle 
Sam  some  time  ago,  and  the  flirtation 
has  been  going  on  ever  since;  and 
there  is  every  evidence  of  a  lifer 
long  attachment,  with  the  legal 


THE   PAN   HAD 


TWO    SIDES. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


HULLY  GEE,  EF  I  GETS  ANODER  CUSTOMER  LIKE  DIS  I  TROWS  UP  DE  JOB  !*' 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  17 

sanction   of  old  Dr.   Monroe   and  his    celebrated  "  Doctrine." 
"The  Rainbow  City  "  was  not  so  called  because  its  opening 

month  was  rainy,  but  on  account  of  the  beautiful  tints  which 

pervaded  its  architecture  ;  and  so  infectious  was  this  color  in- 
fluence that  competent  authorities 
assert  that  its  parent  city,  Buffalo,  was 
painted  red  every  night. 

It  was  asserted  that  if  Chicago's  White 
City  had  been  in  existence  then,  it 
would  have  turned  green  with  envy  on 
beholding  the  beautifully  tinted  "  Pan." 
There  is  much  diversity  inhuman  na- 
ture and  we  do  not  all  see  with  the  same 
eyes;  the  strait-laced  Puritan  sees  all 
sorts  of  demons  in  the  sailor's  grog 
where  the  simple-minded  seaman  sees 
only  good  spirits.  So  it  was  with  the 
sightseers  at  the  Exposition.  Some 
found  hilarious  enjoyment  in  the  big 
see-saw,  while  others  intensely  enjoyed 
seeingthe  small  Spanish  bulls  teased  and 

tormented  almost  to  the  tail  end  of  endurance  in  the  bull  ring 

at  the  "  Streets  of  Mexico." 
On  dedication  day   a   long,   lank 

figure  stood  at  the        I^DlHHUfeJ       main    entrance  of 

at  his  feet  and  his         '/^ '•{ V  VolH*         knees embracedhis 

three  nickels  and  ten  pennies.    With 

this  change  in  his  hand  he  sauntered  up  to  the  ticket-selling 


INFLUENCE 
COLOR. 


iS 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


A    BARGAINER. 


booth.       "  Haow    much  did  ye   say   them    tickets    waz?"    he 
cautiously    inquired,    and    when    told   the   price    slowly    pro- 
ceeded to  recount 
his    money,    piete 
by  piece,  and  then 
passed  it  in  at  the 
window     and    re- 
ceived his  ticket  of 
admission. 

Hank  Slocum 
was  a  Yankee 
farmer  from  "way 
doawn  East,"  where  they  grow  them  long  and  lean,  and  as  shrewd 
as  it  is  possible  for  humanity  to  be.  He  often  remarked  that 
"  He'd  be  jiggered  ef  he  didn't  git  his  money's  worth  every 
time  he  let  loose  a  nickel !  " 

As  Hank  reached  the  turnstile,  a  large,  corpulent  German 
was  making  frantic  efforts  to  squeeze  through — "  Donnerwetter 
nocheinmal,"  he  irritably  exclaimed,  "  for 
vhy  dey  don't  make  dem  pigger?"  Af- 
ter straining  several  buttons  off  he  was 
told  to  "  Move  along  out  av  theyre  !  " 
by  a  policeman  with  a  strong  Milesian 
brogue,  and  Hank  was  enabled  to  get 
through.  Just  as  he  had 
gotten  inside  the  enclosure 
he  noticed  several  small 
urchins  crawl  under  the  exit 
wicket,  and  a  little  further 
down  the  walk  a  fine  speci- 
men of  ragged  and  unkempt 
humanity  known  as  "Hobo" 
managed  to  scale  the  fence, 
and  within  a  few  seconds 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


HK    NEVER    RHAPSODIZED. 


was  safely  inside   the  Fair  grounds 
of  a  cent,  a  fact  which 
Hank,    who    invariably 
its  guise. 

ceeded  but  a  short  dis- 
sition  grounds  when  he 
awe-inspiring  •  sight    of 
posing    array  of   build- 
justified    in    doing,    for 
City  had  surpassed  his 
The  tall  electrical  tower, 
with     delightful    foun- 
artistic  statuary,   much 
the  right  and  left  were  long  vistas 
designed  to  display  the  won- 
ders of  electricity,  the  fruits 
of  husbandry,   and    the    ex- 
ploits   of    the     liberal    arts. 
But  our  visitor  had  not  come 
to  rhapsodize  ;  indeed,  he  was 
of    a     particularly    practical 
turn  of  mind,  so  his  naturally 
inquisitive  nature  caused  him 
to  stop  an   urchin   who  was 
loudly  proclaiming   the  vir- 
tues of  an  official  guide  which 
he  had  for  sale. 

"  I  say,  sonny,"  inquired 
Uncle  Hank,  "  where's  ther 
Midway  ?  " 

"Say,  mister,  buy  one  of 
these  guides,  and  it'll  tell  yer 
where  ther  Midway  and  ther 
whole  bizness  is.  See,  it's 


without  the  expenditure 
was  not  lost  upon  Uncle 
admired  thrift,  whatever 
Uncle  Hank  had  pro- 
tance  within  the  Expo- 
halted  abruptly  at  the 
the  magnificent  and  im- 
ings,  as,  indeed,  he  was 
the  beautiful  Rainbow 
greatest  expectations, 
with  its  base  ensconced 
tains  and  alluring  and 
impressed  him:  while  to 

of  magnificent  structures 


A  CANADIAN    VISITOR 


AROUND   THE    "  PAN.' 


21 


r 


THX    RISPLINDXNT    EXPOSITION    "  COP.' 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


YANKEE   THRIFT. 


got     er     map, 

with  all  therin- 

terestin  g 

places  marked 

on     it  —  only 

twenty-five 

cents."        And 

the     youthful 

salesman 

spread  out  the 

plan  on  one  of  the  green 

benches      which      abound 

throughout  the  Exposition 

grounds. 

"  An'  which  of  them 
places  is  the  Midway  ? " 
inquired  the  countryman 
as  he  passed  his  long  fin- 
ger over  the 
map. 

"Why,  don't 
yer  see  dat 
long  street  ? " 
exclaimed  the 
boy,  designat- 
ing the  exact 
location  on  the 
open  map  and 
at  the  same  time  pointing 
his  finger  in  the  direction 
of  the  famous  locality. 

This  was  enough  for 
the  shrewd  Yankee,  who, 
armed  with  the  necessary 


AROUND  THE  "PAN.1 
\ 


"  ET's    A    GREAT   SHOW,    SILAS !" 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


A   QUARTER    SAVED. 


PAN    IRISH-AMERICAN, 


information  without  the  expenditure  of  the  solicited  twenty- 
five  cents,  gathered  up  his  gripsack  and  umbrella,  and,  as  he 
started  for  his  goal,  thanked  the  outwitted  boy  for  his  infor- 
mation and  promised  that  "ef  he  needed  a  guide,  he'd  call 
back  and  buy  one  of  them  books." 

There  is  a  peculiar  atmosphere  about  all  expositions  which 
causes  commonplaces  to  become  uncommonly  interesting ; 
this  is  partly  due  to  the  holiday  air  pervading,  and  to  the  fact 
that  the  visitor  has  come  to  be 
entranced,  and  that  he  intends,  on 


AROUND   THE    "PAN. 


HOW    MUCH    r>0    YOU    CHARGE    BY    THE    HOUR,    SONNY?' 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


HE   ENTERS  THB 
MIDWAY. 


his  return  home,  to  dilate  on  the  wonderful  things  seen. 
Our  friend  Hank  was  no 
exception  to  the  rule,  and 
promptly  proceeded  to  be 
amused.  The  first  thing  to 
catch  his  eye  was  "The 
House  Upside  Down."  Af- 
ter listening  to  the  vivid  de- 
scription of  the  barker  at  the 
entrance  he  purchased  a 
ticket  of  admission  and  en- 
tered the  topsy-turvy  build- 
ing, and,  proceeding  from 
floor  to  floor,  he  was,  as  he 
expressed  it,  "n:ighty  upsot." 
"Darned  cf  I  know 
whether  I'm  stand- 
in'  on  my  head  or 
my  feet." 

"  I'm  all  twisted  up  !"  he  exclaimed  when  he  reached 
the  street.  "Whoop'ee,  ther  hul  world's  upside  daown!" 
and  with  this  exclamation  he  threw  his  gripsack  and 
hat  on  the  ground  and  stood  on  his  head  and  hands, 
"  ter  see  haow  it  looked,"  to  the  intense  amusement 
of  the  crowd,  and  not  minding  the  laughter  of  the 
people  surrounding.  He  then  strode  up 
the  Midway  to  seek  a  new  diversion. 
His  eye  next  caught  the  quaint  entrance 
to  the  Streets  of  Mexico. 

As  he  gazed  in  at  the  window  of  the 
restaurant,  the  dulcet  tones  of  the 
mandolin  orchestra  caught  his  fancy, 
and  he  decided  that  he  must  enter, 
which  he  did,  and  after  strolling  about 


AROUND  THE  «•  PAN. 


"AND  STOOD  ON  HIS  HEAD  AND  HANDS,  '  TER  SEE  now  IT  LOOKED.'  " 


AROUND   THE    "PAN." 


A  MEXICAN  MKAL.  an(l  critically  examining  the  peculiar  architecture  of  the  adobe 

houses  and  the  odd  garb 
of  the  Mexican  dudes  and 
peons,  as  well  as  the  beau- 
tiful senoritas,  he  was  at- 
tracted to  the  restaurant, 
as  he  was  rather  hungry, 
and  the  hot  tamales  and 
other  highly  spiced  food 
smelled  appetizing.  A 
pretty  little  Mexican 
maiden  brought  him  a 
"bill  of  fare,"  but  as  the 
dishes  were  of  Mexican 
manufacture,  Uncle  Hank 
was  for  a  moment  non- 
plused ;  his  native  wit, 
how- 
ever, 
soon 

came  to  his  relief.  In  glancing  over  the  list 
of  edibles,  he  discovered  the  word  beans  ; 
that  was  enough  for  him,  so  pointing  his 
finger  at  the  word  he  told  the  waitress  to 
bring  him  some.  In  a  few  moments 
a  steaming  dish  was  placed  before  him, 
but  it  bore  no  resemblance 
to  his  favorite  viand — how- 
ever he  concluded  to  "go  it," 
but  the  first  mouthful  caused 
him  to  open  wide  his  cap- 
acious mouth  and  emit  a 
yell  that  caused  a  salvo  of 
laughter  from  the  other  din- 


HOT    STUFF 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


29 


A 


ers  in  the  restaurant.  The  dish  he  had  ordered  was  concocted  by 
stewing  a  large  Mexican  bean  with  a  profusion  of  red  pepper 
and  other  hot  and  spicy  ingredients,  and  unless  one  is  accus- 
tomed to  such  food  is  very  apt  to  prove  surprising  at  the  first 
trial,  and  this  proved  to  be  the  case  with  Uncle  Hank  ;  how- 
ever, when  the  accommodating  waitress  brought  him  a  fra- 
grant cup  of  cocoa,  he  managed  to  assuage  his  hunger.  The 
bull  fight  next  claimed  his  attention,  although  he  demurred 
strongly  at  the  extra  charge  demanded  for  admission  which  is 
invariably  levied  in  all  Midway  enclosures. 

You  absent-minded  beggar, 

Be  you  City  Sport  or  Jay, 
If  you  want  to  see  the  Elephant, 

You  must  Pay  !  Pay  !  !  Pay  ! !  ' 

hummed  a  howling  swell  beside  him  ! 

Uncle  Hank  was  hardly  seated  before  the 
cavalcade  made  the  appearance  in  the  ring, 
and  after  parading  around  several  times  to 


A    MEXICAN    MYSTERY. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


THE  BULL 


show  their  proficiency 
as  horsemen,  Mr.  Toros, 
the  star  of  the  occasion, 
was  ushered  into  the 
arena.  He  proved  to  be 
a  small  black  Spanish 
bull  with  no  more  ap- 
parent ability  to  fight 
than  his  Spanish  hu- 
man prototypes  showed 
at  Manila  and  San- 
tiago in  a  war  not 
many  years  ago.  In- 
deed, so  devoid  was 
he  of  pugnacious 
qualities,  that  after 
being  prodded  and 
tormented  by  the 
picadores  he  actual- 
ly turned  tail  and  ran 
to  cover,  with  a 

brave  and  valiant  Matador  grasping  his  tail  with  both  hands 
amid  the  loud  jeers  of  the  assemblage  ;  this  was  too  much 
for  Uncle  Hank,  who  expressed  his  opinion  in  no  uncertain 
tone  :  "  Why  gol  durn  it,  I've  got  a  short  horn  tu  hum  that 
cud  lick  a  hull  Spanish  fleet  of  sech  as  him  !"  and  this 
seemed  to  be  the  opinion  of  the  majority  of  the  spectators. 
The  transplanted  bull  fight  of  Spain  is  not  to  be  compared 
in  the  matter  of  gore  with  a  full-fledged 
college  foot-ball  scrap. 

Presently  a  fresh  bull  was  brought  in, 
and  after  considerable  provocation  put 
up  a  faint  imitation  of  belligerency  ; 
with  this  the  audience  was  dismissed  to 


AROUND   THE    "PAN. 


I   GOT   A   SHORT   HORN   TU   HUM   THET   CUD   LICK   A   HULL  SPANISH 
FLEET   OF   SECH   AS   HIM!" 


AROUND   THE    "PAN.' 


TNCLE   HANK   SEES  THE 
HULA-HULA    DANCE. 


MIDWAY    TYPES 


make  way  for  other   waiting  and   unsuspecting   victims   out- 
side. 

Uncle  Hank's  curiosity  now  directed  his  foot- 
steps toward  the  Hawaiian  village,  and  as  the 
crowd  was  surging  in  he  allowed  himself  to  drift 
in.  What  he  saw  there  can  best  be  described  in 
his  own  words  :  "  Je-roosa-lem — ciickey  !  When 
I  getter  hum  I  must  tell  Si  Hawkins  ter  see  that 
Hoo-la  Hoo-la  dance — it's  a  corker  !"  and  with 
this  he  proceeded  to  imitate  the  sinuous  hip 
wriggle  of  the  Hula-Hula  dance,  vociferously 
whistling  the  seductive  music  as  an  accompaniment.  "  Thet 
stage  manager  said  it  was  ther  same  dance  thet  waz  danced 
afore  King  Kalakawer.  but  I'll  bet  Mrs.  Kalakawer  wasn't  pres- 
ent when  it  waz." 

The  Midway  presented  an  animated  picture,  with  as  varied  a 

concourse  of  people  as 
could  well  be  imagined, 
The  picturesque,  though 
often  dirty,  Arabs  and 
Turks  from  the  "Streets 
of  Cairo  "  touched  elbows 
with  immaculately  attired 
society  belles  from  the  aris- 
tocratic avenues  of  the  big 
cities.  The  free-from-care 
country  bumpkin,  with  his 
best  girl  in  her  best  frock^ 
sauntered  along,  munching 
pop-corn  balls  and  stop- 
ping occasionally  to  listen 
to  the  vociferous  harangu- 
ing of  the  "  barkers "  of 
the.  various  attractions 


AROUND    THE    "PAN. 


33 


along  the  thoroughfare.  "  Step  this  way  to  the  greatest  ex- 
hibition ever  showed  !  Ef  it  ain't  the  grand- 
est on  earth  ye  can  get  your  money  back. 
Ask  the  people  comin'  out :  ask  'em  if  it  ain't 
great.  Why,  people,  we've  spent  $50,000  git- 
tin'  up  this  show.  Mark  Hanna  sed  he'd  seed 
nothin'  like  it.  After  the  Pan  Ameriky, 
we're  going  to  take  it  to 
Europe  and  show  it  to  the 
crowned  heads,  an'  the 
bald  heads,  the  dead 
heads,  and  the  cabbage 
heads." 

Uncle  Hank's  attention   was  now  called 
to  a  large  crowd  listening  to  a  fervid  de- 
•  scription  of  Cleopatra's  wonderful  charms, 
so  he  edged  up  to  the  young  man  who  so 
eloquently  told  of   the   famous    Egyptian 
queen's  beauty,    intending  to  secure    a    little    more 
information  about  the  show  before  he  paid  his  ad- 
mission fee. 

"  I  say,"  he  inquired,  "  is  this  'ere  Cleopatry — er — 

ther  real  thing  ?  " 

"  You    bet     she's 
the  real  thing  ! "  re- 

;>         <C^-T  fflF  plied  the  youngman 

at  the  door.    "  She's 


THE  BARKER'S 
HARANGUE. 


THE    HULA-HULA    DANCER. 


but  the  girls  all 
paint  now-a-days," 
and  he  winked  at 
the  crowd. 

But  Uncle   Hank 
was     not     satisfied 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


• 


UNCLE   HANK   SEES   THE 
STREETS   OF    CAIRO. 


yet,  and  vouchsafed  one  more  question  :      "  I  say,  young  feller, 
how's  she  dressed  ? " 

"  Oh,  she's  got  on  a  coat." 
"  A  coat  ?  " 

"Yes,  country  ;  a  coat  of  paint." 

And  when  our  friend  found  that  it  was  only  a  "  picture  "  he 
moved  along-  disgustedly.  A  crowd  was  surging  into  the 
streets  of  Cairo,  and  Uncle  Hank  concluded  to  follow.  As  he 
passed  into  the  enclosure  two  brawny  Arabs  were  engaged  in  a 
furious  sword  combat,  alternately  striking  each  other's  shield  a 
resounding  whack  with  their  short  swords  amid  tom-tom  beats 
on  a  sort  of  kettle  drum  :  small  Arab  boys  were  importuning 
visitors  to  try  a  ride  on  tired  look- 
ing donkeys,  and  on  both  sides  of 
the  street  were  bazars  doing  a 
thriving  business  in  Egyptian  sou- 
venirs (made  in  Newark,  N.  J.) 

One  booth  attracted  quite  a  little 
attention  on  account  of  a  novel,  or 
rather  a  very  old  style  of  lathe,  at 
which  an  Arab,  by  means  of  a  chisel 
held  by  his  hand  and  bare  foot,  on 
which  was  a  curiously  misplaced  toe, 
managed  to  turn  some  attractive  de- 
signs in  turned  work,  which  he  sold 
to  the  onlookers. 

There  were  several  camels  parad- 
ing up  and  down  the  street,  attended 
by  gaudily-attired  Orientals ;  but 
Uncle  Hank  was  not  looking  for  ca- 
mels, he  was  looking  for  "  The  Ele- 
phant "  in  the  lair  of  the  "  Hooche 
Cooche,"  of  which  he'd  heard  often. 
So  he  made  a  bee  line  for  the  little 


AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 


35 


AROUND  THE  "PAN. 


A    SHOW    FOR    BALD 


Oriental  Theatre.  The  barker  was  holding  forth  in  great 
shape  as  he  approached.  "This  is  the  greatest  show  on  the 
Midway,"  he  exclaimed.  "You  don't  dare  to  go  home  without 
seeing  it..  They'd  laugh  at  you  if  you  told  em  you  hadn't  seen 
the  Oriental  dancers,  and  we've  got  the  simon  pure  article,  and 
they  can  dance.  You  ought  to  see  em  do  their  marvelous 
muscle  dance,  the  dance  that  made  John  the  Baptist  lose  his 
head;  the  dance  that  made  the  fame  of  Chicago's  World's  Fair, 
and  is  now  making  the  fame  of  this  grand  Exposition.  Ycu 
can't  afford  to  miss  it !"  and  he  pointed  his  finger  straight  at 
Uncle  Hank.  Uncle,  however,  was  equal  to  the  occasion. 

''  By  golly,"  he  answered,  "  I  ain't  no  bald  head  thet  sets  in 
ther  front  row  et  burleske  shows,"  and  taking  off  his  tall  hat 
showed  a  head  well  thatched  with  hair.  This  immediately 
created  a  laugh  among  the  assembled  onlookers.  "  An  lookin' 
around  me,"  he  continued,  "I  see  quite  a  number  ov  folks  thet 
I'll  bet  ez  more  familyer  with  dancin  girl  shows  than  I  be." 
This  shot  at  the  crowd  created  another  laugh. 

"  Well,  we're  never  too  old  to  learn,"  exclaimed  the  barker,  "  so 
just  step  up  to  the  window  nd  buy  your  ticket  and  pass  in." 

Uncle  Hank  had  loosened  his  purse  strings  considerably 
since  his  first  advent  at  the  Exposition.  The  enthusiasm  of  it 
all  had  completely  changed  his  close-fisted  nature,  so  he  fished 
out  some  small  change,  purchased  his  ticket,  and  passed  in,  fol- 
lowed by  a  score  of  others.  The  performance  had  just  com- 
menced; a  dark-eyed  little  dancer  with  unmistakable  oriental 
features  occupied  the  centre  of  the  stage,  while,  ranged  about 
in  a  semi-circle,  sat  four  or  five  other  dancers,  flanked  on  either 
side  by  native  musicians,  who  industriously  played  the  famous 
"  Hooche  Cooche"  music,  to  the  sensuous  strains  of  which  the 
voluptuous  little  muscle-dancer  swayed  her  form  in  undulating 
and  rhythmical  contortions,  which  completely  riveted  the  at- 
tention of  the  assemblage.  "Well,  by  Crackee,  thet's  ther 
best  show  I've  seed  yit !"  exclaimed  Uncle  Hank,  as  he 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


37 


emerged  into  daylight  again.  "An  they  say  thet's  the  dance 
mentioned  in  ther  Bible  ?  Well,  they  waz  jolly  old  boys  in 
them  days,  I  reckon,  and  they  knowed  a  good  thing  when  they 
seed  it." 

The  most  conspicuous  feature  at  the  extreme  end  of  the 
Midway  was  the  Colossal  Face  of  "  Dreamland."  This  was 
really  a  very  fine  piece  of  modelling  and  deserved  more  than  a 
passing  notice  on  account  of  its  beautiful  proportions,  not- 
withstanding its  great  size.  It  sheltered  a  "crystal  maze" 
arrangement  of  mirrors  and  hidden  lights  that  were  perfectly 
bewildering.  After  Uncle  Hank  had  thoroughly  explored  its 
mysteries,  he  gazed  intently  at  the  monster  face  and  then 
ejaculated:  "Wai,  it's  a  blamed  puzzlin  show,  and  thet  big 
gal's  face  is  mighty  appropriate,  for  females  as  a  rool  is  puzzlin 
critters." 

Right  across  the  way  was  "  Pabst's,"  and  our  hero  lost  no  ti-me 
in  making  his  way  there,  as  he  was  a  bit  thirsty,  as  he  had 
heard  of  the  famous  beverage  dispensed  there.  After  carefully 
depositing  his  carpet  bag  and  umbrella  under  the  table,  and 
putting  his  big  foot  on  top  to  insure  safety,  he  was  approached 
by  a  waiter  who,  with  a  sweep  of  a  towel,  wiped  up  the  rem- 
nants of  the  last  customer's  repast;  and  after  waiting  some 
time  he  was  approached  by  a  phlegmatic  German  waiter. 

"Waiter,  let  me  have  a  glass  of  beer,  I'm  all-fired  dry." 

"  Ein  beer  ?"  ejaculated  the  waiter. 

"  Naw,  lager  beer's  good  enough  for  me,"  replied  Uncle 
Hank,  and  the  waiter  departed  with  a  grin  and  a  guffaw; 
presently  he  returned  with  the  foaming  glass. 

And  what  a  motley  assemblage  was  here  congregated. 
There  were  Turks,  Mexicans,  Indians,  Filipinos,  Japs,  and 
apparently  representatives  from  all  the  Midway  shows  in  the 
vicinity,  and  their  voices  mingled  in  a  perfect  babel  of  confu- 
sion. A  more  cosmopolitan  congregation  it  would  be  hard  to 
find,  and  everybody  drank  beer. 


A    PLEASED    PATRON. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


THE   BLUE   AND 


THE    GRAY. 


"  I  guess  ther  reason  they  all  drink  beer,  is  because  yer  git 
it  for  a  nickel,"  remarked  Uncle  Hank,  and  the  Yankee  fin- 
ished his  glass  and  continued  his  sightseeing  trip.  The  first 
thing  to  catch  his  eye  was  the  big  Cyclorama  building,  contain- 
ing the  battle  of  Missionary  Ridge.  As  our  Uncle  Hank  had 
participated  in  the  "  Big  War,"  he  was  instantly  interested  in 
this  representation  of  one  of  it's  famous  battles.  Uncle  Hank 
had  been  intently  studying  the  battle  scene  for  several  minutes 
when  his  reverie  was  interrupted. 

"Yo  Yankees  up  Nawth  invahiably  show  the  battles  in 
which,  suh,  the  Confederates  were  at  a  disadvantage,  suh  ;  now 
thar's  Fredericksburg,  fo'  instance !  A  fine  panorama  of  that 
engagement,  suh,  would  not  show  much  to  the  advantage  of  the 
Yankees,  suh." 

The  speaker  was  a  tall,  dignified  Southern  gentleman  of  the 
old  school,  with  one  of  his  coat  sleeves  pinned  up  to  be  out  of 
the  way,  he  evidently  having  lost  the  arm  in  fighting  for  "the 
lost  cause."  Uncle  Hank  eyed  him  sharply  before  replying, 
and  then  blurted  out : 

"  Wai,  kin  yer  blame  us  ?  Ef  this  waz  a  Southern  enterprise 
I  guess  a  different  scrimmage  would  hev  bin  selected,"  and  the 
old  Yankee  chuckled. 

At  this  juncture  a  commotion  was  created  by  the  noise 
of  a  charge,  and,  with  bugle  calls  and  rattle  of  musketry,  quite 
a  creditable  semblance  of  a  battle  was  produced.  As  the  crowd 
filed  out,  Uncle  Hank  made  his  way  rapidly  toward  the  end  of 
the  Midway,  as  he  was  getting  anxious  to  see  some  of  the  big 
buildings.  He,  however,  could  not  withstand  the  temptation  to 
take  a  look  at  the  Filipinos  in  their  quaint  village  of  thatched 
habitations  ;  the  native  manufactures  of  rope  and  hemp  partic- 
ularly interested  him,  and  when  he  essayed  to  speak  to  what  he 

thought  was  a 
negro,  was  very 
much  surprised 


AROUND   THE    "PAN.1 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


to  be  answered  in  Spanish.  After  visiting  in 
turn  "  Bostock's  Wild  Animals  "  and  Chiquita, 
the  dwarf — who,  he  remarked,  looked  as  though 
she  had  been  ''picked  before  she  was  ripe  " — he 
then  wandered  into  ''Alt  Nurnberg,"  and  spent 
quite  a  time  in  rambling  through  its  old  German 
architecture. 

''An'  here's  where  I  give  myself  a  Dutch  treat," 
he  remarked,  as  he  seated  himself  at  a  table  and 
ordered  a  "  dish  like  that  gentleman's  got,"  point- 
ing to  a  plate  of  wurst  and  sour  kraut  just 
placed  before  a  prosperous- looking  German. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  41 

"  Haben  sie  wurst  ? "  inquired  the  waiter. 

"  Naw,  gimme  the  best,  and  be  quick  !  " 

And  when  he  had  finished  this  modest  repast  he  sallied  forth 
for  new  adventures. 

The  Pan-American  Exposition  is  unique  in  one  respect.  It 
abounds  in  beautiful  statuary.  Wherever  the  eye  turns  it 
encounters  the  most  exquisite  specimens  of  the  sculptor's  art. 

Uncle  Hank  gazed  long  and  rapturously  at  one  group  in  par- 
ticular. It  represented  human  slaves  tugging  laboriously  at  a 
chariot  car  on  which  was  seated  a  .  finely  modeled  figure  of  a 
despot. 


UNCLE    HANK    AS   AN 
ART   CRITIC. 


UNCLE    HANK    IMPROVES    A 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


A   CRITICISM. 


"Seems  ter  me  ther  title  on  thet  statoo  ain't  jest  right  !"  he 
remarked,  as  he, turned  around  with  a  twinkle  in  his  eye  to  see 
if  any  one  was  looking ;  then,  reaching  down  into  his  carpet 
bag,  he  drew  out  a  lump  of  charcoal  he  had  been  using  for  a 
sort  of  tooth  powder,  and,  after  crossing  out  the  inscription, 
"  The  Despotic  Age/'  he  proceeded  to  mark,  in  strong,  charac- 
teristic letters,  the  following  :  "  Statoo  of  a  Trust  King  Takin' 
a  Ride  in  His  Horseliss  Carridge."  Just  as  he  had  executed 
this  masterpiece  he  felt  a  tap  on  the 
shoulder,  and,  turning  around,  was  con- 
fronted by  a  verdant-lookidg  policeman. 
''What  d' yes  mean  be  thot?"  he  de- 
manded, pointing  to  the  charcoal  marks. 
"  Oh,  thet's  all  right ;  thet's  jest  char- 
coal, and  it  '11  wash  off.  I'm  jest  im- 
provin1  them  statoos  fer  the  manage- 
ment ;  givin'  them  ther  benefit  ov  my 
knowledgment  ov  skulptur." 

"An'  did  they  tell  yez  to  do  it  ? "  queried 
the  policeman. 

"Wai,  ye  see  I'm  appinted  a  commit- 
tee ov  one  to  improve  them  figers,  an' 
this  be  my  way  of  doin'  it." 

The  policeman  looked  at  Uncle  Hank 
quizzically,  and  was  about  to  pursue  his 
inquiries  further  when  a  great  hubbub 
was  created  by  a  donkey  running  away, 
pursued  by  a  horde  of  shouting  Arabs 
and  Armenians  from  the  Midway. 

The  policeman  at  once  gave  chase  to 
the  fleeing  donkey,  as  did  Uncle  Hank. 
The  animal  was  thoroughly  frightened 
and  ran  pell  mell  towards  the  Indian  Vil- 
lage, and,  reaching  the  entrance,  dashed 


AROUND   THE   "PAN/ 


THE    FACE    AT    THE    !<  WINDOW. 


44  AROUND  THE   «  PAN.' 


VICE   PRESIDENT   ROOSEVELT  STANDS  SPONSOR   FOR  PAN   AMERICA   ROOSEVELT. 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


45 


followed  by  the  crowd,  despite  the  protests  of  the  guard 

at  the  gate.  Uncle  Hank, 
being  a  good  runner,  was 
well  up  with  the  pursuit  as 
the  crowd  rushed  in. 

Uncle  Hank  now  found 
himself  inside  the  enclosure 
and  it  had  not  cost  him  a  cent, 
which  fact  greatly  elated  the 
economical  Yankee. 

"  Wai,  b'gosh,  I  guess  I  '11 
look  around  a  bit ;  them  in- 
junsbe  worth  seein',  I  reckon. 
Hullo,  yaller  face  !  "  he  ex- 
claimed, as  a  noble  red  man, 
with  face  painted  a  bright 
ochre,  approached. 

The  Indian  was  of  the 
Sioux  tribe  and  was  a  fine 
specimen,  tall  and  agile,  and 
with  but  one  defect — his  legs 
were  bowed.  This,  however, 
is  peculiar  to  most  Indians, 
and  is  due  solely  to  horseback  riding. 

"  Give  injun  cig-rette  ?  "  grunted  the  savage. 
"  Dew  you  smoke  them  coffin  nails  ? "  inquired  Uncle  Hank. 
"  Me  smoke  him  ?    Yes." 

*'  Wai,  I  don't  smoke,  and  ef  I  did  I  wouldn't  smoke  them 
things,"  and  Uncle  Hank  passed  on  with  a  deprecating  wave  of 
the  hand.  He  now  proceeded  up  through  a  street  formed  by 
a  double  line  of  canvas  tepees,  before  one  of  which  was  a  squaw 
with  an  axe  uplifted  in  the  act  of  chopping  wood  for  the  even- 
ing's repast,  while  a  little  further  on  could  be  decried  another 
carrying  two  buckets  of  water  from  the  hydrant  in  the  centre 


UNCLE   HANK    AMONG 


THE    INDIANS. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN.' 


ROOSEVELT'S  PROTEGE.  of  the  grounds.  The  squaws  were  doing  up  the  chores  while 
the  lazy  bucks  were  idly  smoking  cigarettes.  Every  little  while 
a  tepee  flap,  which  does  service  as  a  door,  would  be  thrown  open 
and  a  diminutive  papoose  would  pop  out,  and  bright  little 
children  they  were. 

On  Dedication  Day  Vice-President  Roosevelt  stood  sponsor 
as  godfather  for  an  In-  dian  baby  that  had 

just  been  born.  He  /^^^^\  P1"0"1?^  christened  it 
Pan  America  ;  now  it  R  X"K\  J  *s  known  a^  over  the 
grounds  as  Pan  Amer-  \^A(^  iT  *ca  ^-ooseve^. 

Uncle  Hank  •  was  /^Sr^x*^  greatly  interested  in 
the  war  dances,  and  re-  /YNjSf^  markably  clever  horse- 
manship as  well  as  the  ylrW^  wonderful  rifle  shoot- 
ing by  Winona,  the  In-  rf-£~~'^\.  dian  squaw. 

So     impressed     was         y*^(  Uncle  Hank  with  her 

shooting  that  he  gave        j     B&.  vent  to  his  enthusiasm 

in  loud  whoops. 

"  Jiminy  Crackee,  but  aint  she  a  crack  shot  !  ef  I  was  her 
husband  I  'd  be  mighty  keerful  how  I  sassed  her  back." 

As  the  crowd  was  making  its  way  out  of  the  enclosure  Uncle 
Hank     noticed     Vice- 
walking  just  ahead  of 
previously  met  him  at 

where  "Teddy"  had 

litical  addresses,  he 

himself  known. 
"Howdy  Kernel  !" 

Hank,   at  the   same 

hand.      •'  Yer    haint 
"Well,  as  I  live! 

cum  of  M.edford,  is 

dy  "  grasped  the  ex- 
shook  it  heartily. 

"  I  see  it  didn't  take  you  very  long  to  find  the  Midway  ! 


President  Roosevelt 
him,  and  as  he  had 
his  native  town, 
made  one  of  his  po- 
hastened  to  make 

exclaimed  Uncle 
time  proffering  his 
forgot  me,  hevyer  ?" 
this  is  Henry  Slo- 
it  not?"  and  "Ted- 
tended  hand  and 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


47 


UNCLE    HANK    MEETS    "TEDDY." 


48 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


THE  "BARKER"  AT  THE  STREETS  OF  VENICE. 

and  Teddy's  teeth  gleamed  as  he  smiled.  "  Wai,"  ejaculated 
Uncle  Hank,  "  they're  going-  to  change  the  name  to  Dogwalk." 

"  Dogwalk  ?" 

"  Yas,  '  cos  there  be  so  many  barkers  on  it,"  and  the  old 
Yankee  grinned  from  ear  to  ear. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


49 


"  Teddy  "  being  a  true  politician,  invited  Uncle  Hank  to  meet 
him  at  Music  Hall,  where  he  was  to  deliver  an  address. 

He  now  wended  his  way  to  the  end  of  the  Midway.  In  pass- 
ing- the  different  attractions  he  could  not  refrain  from  express- 
ing his  unique  observations.  "  I  notice,"  said  he,  "  thet  at 
'  Danty's  Infernal '  ten  folks  go  to  hell  to  one  that  goes  into 
heaven ,  thet's  just  th'  way  with  human  critters.  And  thet 
'  Johnstown  Flood  '  crowd  makes  straight  for  '  Pabst's.'  I  guess 
the  sight  ov  so  much  water  makes  em  yearn  for  a  beer  flood. 
Just  look  at  thet  barker  for  thet  '  Venice '  show  !  Aint  he  a 
guy  !  What  funny  things  ye  see  when  ye  haven't  got  a  gun." 

And  he  continued  his  way  past  "  Alt  Nurenberg  "  to  The 
Mall.  It  was  now  quite  dark,  and  as  our  hero  was  exceedingly 
tired  he  resolved  to  go  to  his  hotel  ;  with  this  end  in  view  he 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


THE   INDESCRIBABLY 


BRILLIANT  ILLUMINATIONS. 


y^ 

I 


TWO    OF    A    KIND. 


slowly  made  his  way  to  the 
exit.  Just  as  he  reached  the 
Plaza  the  lights  suddenly 
went  out  and  all  was  in  dark- 
ness for  a  few  minutes,  then 
slowly  a  soft  light  seemed  to 
emanate  from  the  myriads 
of  bulbs,  and  gradually  the 
light  became  stronger  until 
all  the  buildings  were  ablaze 
with  illumination. 

The  effect  was  indescrib- 
ably brilliant  and  the  specta- 
tors were  spellbound. 

"  By  Crackee,  et's  a  beauti- 
ful sight !"  exclaimed  Uncle 

Hank,  and  turning  to  a  policeman  standing  by  he  asked,  "  Haow 
many  lights  hev  they  got  on  them  buildings?" 

"  Five  hundred  thousand." 

"  Whew !  thet's  an  awful 
lot,  an  it  all  comes  from 
Niagary  Falls  ?" 

"Yep,"  ejaculated  the 
"Cop." 

"  Wai,  Niagary  must  be  an 
awful  light  place,"  and  the 
old  gentleman,  musing  on  the 
wonders  of  electric  lighting, 
made  his  way  to  the  exit. 

On  his  way  out  he  met 
the  landlady  of  the  boarding 
house  he  was  stopping  at. 

"  How's  them  boarders  corn- 
in' along  ?"  inquired  he;  "got 
yer  house  full,  I  spose  !" 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


"  N  t  yit,"  she  replied. 
"  Ye  see  1  raised  the 
price." 

"  Wai,  how's  thet  ? ' 
"  Well,  ye  see,  I  set  my 
mind  on  how  much  my 
house  ought  to  bring  in 
during  the  Exposition 
and  as  nobody  has  occu 
pied  it  yit,  I've  raised  the 
rates  for  the  rest  of  the 
season." 

"  Them  Buffalo  folks  is 
sharp  business  people — I 
don't  think,"  observed 
Uncle  Hank,  as  he  made 
his  way  out  of  the 
grounds.  He  was  tired 
and  his  feet  seemed  to  be 
filled  with  lead,  but  he'd 
had  a  good  time,  and  al- 
though he  had  taken  a  jocular  view  of  almost  everything  in 
sight,  he  was  not  blind  to  its  other  side— to  its  beautiful  archi- 
tecture and  its  instructive  features,  and  finally  voted  the  Pan 
American  Exposition  a  huge  success,  and  vowed  he'd  be  on 
hand  early  the  next  morning  for  another  big  day  of  sight- 
seeing. 


THE  BUFFALO  WAY. 


HOW  YOUR  FEKT  FEEL  AT  THE  END  OF  THE  DAY. 


52 


AROUND  THE  "  PAN." 


THE  FUN   OF   IT. 


OLD   RELICS. 


"  Laugh  and  the  world  laughs  with  you, 
Weep  and  you  weep  alone." 

The  truth  of  this  axiom  was  strongly  emphasized  in 
Uncle  Hank  ;  he  laughed  at  everything  and  everybody,  and 
everybody  laughed  at  him.  As  soon  as  he  reached  the  Exposi- 
tion next  morning  he  found  material  for  laughter  in  a  large 
sign  in  front  of  one  of  the  restaurants  which  announced  : 


!    MEALS   ALL   DAY,    50  CTS.     I 

"  Ef  I  thought  they  meant  it  I'd  give  em  fifty 
cents  tew  eat  all  day,"  he  chuckled  to  himself  as 
he  walked  along  toward  the  Government  Build- 
ing, at  the  entrance  of  which  are  mounted  a 
couple  of  cannons  of  ,the  Civil  War.  As  he  ap- 
proached them  he  recognized  the  Confederate 
veteran  he  had  met  at  the  Cyclorama  of  the 
Battle  of  Missionary  Ridge. 

"Hullo  thar!"  he 
exclaimed  as  he 
extended  his 
hand. 

"  How    are    ye, 

Majah  !"  replied  the  ex-Confede- 
rate with  the  usual  interro- 
gative. 

"Right  smart,  Kerne.,  and 
the  two  old  veterans  bowed 
graciously. 

"  Majah,  I've  been  carried  back 
to  the  Wah  by  the  sight  of  these 
old  cannons,  sah." 

"Yas,    Kernel,    and    thet    re- 


AROUND  THE  "  PAN." 


53 


minds  me  that  we  four,  them  two  cannons  and  me  and 
you,  make  rayther  a  fine  collection  of  War  relics.  Hey  ? 
Well,  sah,  we  may  be  relics  and  back  numbers,  sah,  but 
by  gad,  sah,  it  was  a  great  Wah,  sah.  So  great,  sah,  that 
the  late  Spanish  Wah  looked  like  a  popgun  affair,  sah/' 

And  the  ex- Confederate's  bosom  swelled  with  pride  at  the 
recollection. 

With  this  the  pair  marched  with  a  military  step  and  erect 
bearing  into  Uncle  Sam's  Exhibition  Building. 

The  Government  exhibit  is  perhaps  the  finest  and  most 
elaborate  in  the  Exhibition,  and  Uncle  Hank  examined  it 
thoroughly.  The  Lighthouse  models  attracted  him  particu- 
larly, as  it  was  a  subject  with  which  he,  in  common  with  all  New 
Englanders,  was  quite  familiar.  He  was  closely  inspecting  the 
construction  of  Minot's  Lodge  Light  when  he  was  startled  by 
a  loud  blast  from  the  big  foghorn  just  above  him. 

"  By  Gum  !"  he  exclaimed,  "  thet  sounds  like  tew  hum,  daown 
by  Cape  Cod,  b'  gosh."  And  after  he  had  closely  inspected  the 


NO  POPGUN  AFFAIR. 


THE  HAN  BEFORE  THE  GUN. 


54 


AROUND  THE    "  PAN.' 


THE   SAURIAN    MONSTKR. 


big  noise  producer 
he  proceeded  in 
the  direction  of 
the  Ordnance  De- 
partment, as  he 
was  much  inter- 
ested in  "  them 
big  guns." 

After  strolling 
about  through  the 
multitudinous  ex- 
hibits for  about  an 
hour,  he  suddenly 
exclaimed  : 

"  Je-roo-sa-lem  ! 
What  a  big  cow  !" 

As  he  caught 
sight  of  a  huge  an- 
tediluvian fossil 
which  stood 
mounted  on  a  ped- 
estal, near  the  en- 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


55 


trance.  It  was  indeed  a  monster,  and  easily  the  most  con- 
spicuous exhibit  in  the  building". 

The  artistic  groups  of  wax  figures  representing  Indians  en. 
gaged  in  various  avocations  also  attracted  considerable  atten- 
tion on  account  of  the  remarkable  fidelity  to  nature  with  which 
they  were  arranged.  After  thoroughly  examining  the  inter- 
esting exhibits  in  this  building,  attention  was  next  given  to  the 
adjoining  Fisheries  Exhibit,  which  is  beyond  question  the  most 
complete  of  the  kind  ever  Attempted,  and  beautifully  illustrates 
the  various  methods  of  fish  propagation,  and  the  boats  and 
apparatus  used  by  fishermen. 

As  our  hero  was  strolling  along  the  Plaza  he  was  very  much 
astonished  at  meeting  Miss  Mehitable  Muggs,  a  schoolmarm 
from  his  native  town.  She  greeted  him  with  a  smirk  and  ex- 
tended her  hand  in  friendly  recognition. 

"  Well,  I  swan,  Henry  Slocum  !  you  here  ?  I  didn't  calklatc 
tew  meet  any  one  on  airth  I  knew  out  here,"  and  Miss  Mehi- 
table's  side  curls  bobbed  up  and  down  as  she  nodded  her  head 
in  a  manner  peculiar  to  her. 

"  Be  yew  alone,  Miss  Mehitable  ?"  inquired  Uncle  Hank. 


THE   WONDERS    OF   THE 
GOVERNMENT     EXHIBIT. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


"if  i ' 

ifrakJ 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


57 


"  No,  I  just  left  Abbie  Snodgrass  up  in  the 
Ethnology  Building  ;  she's  a-gitting  material 
for  a  debating  society,  and  I  thought  as  how 
I'd  stroll  about  ter  see  some  of  the  sights." 

"  Wai,  now  doant  yew  git  too  near   tew  that 
Midway,  Mehitable,  thar's  some  risky  doins  goin  on 
over  thar  ;  yer  want  to  be  keerful  now." 

And  Uncle  Hank  winked  at  her  slyly  as  he  bid  her 
good-by.  He  then  seated  himself  at  the  foot  of  a 
statue  of  Achilles,  and  as  he  was  a  little  tired  and 
hungry  he  reached  down  into  his  carpet  bag  and 


UNCLE    HANK    MEETS    MISS    MEHITABLE 
MUGGS. 


AROUND   THE    "PAN." 


A  WONDERFUL   STATUE. 


extracted  therefrom  a  huge  sandwich  with  which  to  appease 
his  hunger.  Before  doing  so,  however,  he  happened  to  ob- 
serve Achilles'  hand  outstretched,  so  with  a  grin  he  removed 
his  hat  and  hung  it  on  the  hand  above,  remarking  as  he  did  so  : 
"By  Gum,  I'll  make  thet  old  warrior  hold  my  hat  while  I 
eat." 

The  day  was  warm  and  balmy,  in  fact  a  typical  June  day,  and 
the  clear  atmosphere  made  the  statuary  on  the  Government 
Building  stand  out  in  strong  relief.  Uncle  Hank's  eyes  were 
rivetted  on  the  beautiful  horses  in  the  group  when  he  dropped 
off  in  a  gentle  slumber.  Soon  he  awoke  with  a  start. 

"Christopher  Columbus  !  I  dreamt  that  them  hosses  waz  so 
full  ov  action  that  they  jest  leapt  off  their  base  inter  the  air." 
And  with  this  remark  he  picked  up  his  cherished  carpet  bag 
and  resumed  his  sight-seeing. 

The  Ethnology  Building  is  very  popular 
with  visitors,  although  some  of  its  exhibits 
are  rather  gruesome.  Its  array  of  subjects 
consists  chiefly  of  articulated  human  skele- 
tons, skulls  and  fragmentary  bones  from 
Indian  burial  mounds. 

A  thick-lipped  darkey  from  Dixie  land 
happened  to  poke  his  woolly  head  in  at  one 
of  the  entrances  one  afternoon.  His  glance 
fell  on  one  of  the  dangling  skeletons  at  the 
door.  This  was  enough  for  him.  With  a 
frightened  cry  of  "  Ghos '  !  !"  he  fled  pre- 
cipitately. 

Uncle  Hank's  remark,  after  carefully 
scrutinizing  the  interior  of  the  building,  was 
characteristic  of  him. 

"  Seems  ter  me  thet  this  is  the  place  for 
them  Spiritualists  tew  hold  ther  see-ances 
in,"  said  he. 


AROUND   THE  <;  PAN." 


59 


$0    Fun,    C^    ACTION 

E^MCP  THEY 
jesr 
is  A  se 


xgj      /HER        BA5 


%?. 


6o 


AROUND  THE  "  PAN." 


ECONOMY   IN   FOOD. 


The  Temple  of  Music  is  a  Mecca  for  all  visitors  who  are 
votaries  of  Wagner,  Bach,  or  Mozart.  Here  are  to  be  met 
with  the  enthusiasts  with  voluminous  locks,  whose  souls  eagerly 
absorb  the  heavenly  melodies  that  emanate  from  the  beautiful 
Temple. 

"  Music  hath  such  charms." 

Director  Gen.  Buchanan  is  probably  the  busiest  man  at  the 
Exposition  Headquarters,  and  is  often  seen  walking  around  in 
a  deep  brown  study.  It  was  on  one  of  these  occasions  that 
Uncle  Hank  came  in  contact  with  him.  The  shrewd  Yankee 
was  musing  on  the  possibilities  of  making  money  out  of  the 
opportunities  afforded  by  the  Fair,  and,  as  was  often  custom- 
ary with  him,  he  voiced  his  thoughts  to  the  nearest  bystander. 

"  By  Jinks,  ye  could  put  advertisin'  up  on  thet  standard  bearer 
statoo  and  git  big  money  for  it,  too.  Jest  take  down  that  flag 
and  put  up  a  big  pan  and  paint  somebody's  pancakes  onto  it, 
and  there  ye  are,  or  at  night  jest  run  a  string  ov  lanterns  from 
ther  electric  tower  and  put  SAPOLIO  on  the  lanterns. 
Then  thare's  the  canal  all  along  them  walls  ;  advertising  space 
could  be  sold  thar." 

He   addressed  his    remarks  to  n  pleasant-faced  gentleman 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


61 


standing  at  his 
elbow,  who 
smiled  as  he 
made  his  sug- 
gestions. 

"Well,  as  I 
am  Director 
General,  I  sup- 
pose I  ought  to 
take  your  ideas 
iinder  advise- 
m  e  n  t.  What 
further  have 
you  got  to 
offer?"  he  in- 
quired with  an 
indulgent 
smile. 

UKCLE  HAM;  MEETS  THE  DIRECTOR  GENERAL. 


f  AROUND  THE  "  PAN." 


VNCLE  HANK  RUNS  A 
FOOT  RACE. 


Unabashed  Uncle  Hank  replied  : 

"Ye  oughter  hav  a  gold  brick  department.  Them  pesky 
smart  Alecks  tip  my  way  'd  buy  em  quick  an  the  show  'd  make 
big  profits  on  the  transaction.  An'  say,  on  ther  quiet,  don't 
yer  think  some  ot  them  statoos  ought  ter  hav  more  clothes, 
not  that  I  object  to  the  beautiful  riggers,  but  then  a  feller  some- 
times has  his  wife  along  and  then ." 

The  athletic  contests  in  the  Stadium  savor  much  of  the 
antique,  and  really  constitute  one  of  the  most  attractive  features 
cf  the  Fair. 

It  was  on  the  occasion  of  one  of  the  most  exciting  contests 
between  rival  associations  that  Uncle  Hank  found  himself  a 
spectator  perched  away  up  on  one  of  the  top  tiers  of  seats,  and 
a  foot-race  had  just  been  started  in  which  he  took  keen  interest, 

as  he  had  been 
somewhat  of  a 
sprinter  himself 
in  his  younger 
days.  In  his  en- 
thusiasm he  loud- 
ly cheered  the 
victor,  but  at  the 
same  time  ex- 
pressed his  belief 
that  he  could 
distance  any  of 
them  ;  this  was 
said  in  such  a 
loud  tone  that  it 
provoked  a  jeer- 
ing laugh  in  the 
immediate 
vicinity. 

Uncle    Hank 


AROUND   THE    "  PAN." 


UNCLE    HANK    CHALLENGES    THE    WINNER    OF    THE    RACE. 


64  AROUND  THE  "PAN." 

thereupon  challenged  the  winner  to  run  him  a  hundred- 
yard  dash.  The  prospect  of  having  some  fun  out  of  the 
matter,  and  the  contests  of  the  day  being  over,  a  match  was 
readily  arranged  ;  so  our  hero  and  the  young  athlete,  accom- 
panied by  a  score  of  friends,  proceeded  to  the  upper  end  of  the 
track,  where  the  Yankee  divested  himself  of  his  coat  and  hat 
with  the  remark  that  "  He  guessed  he'd  show  them  young  cubs 
he  could  run  a  bit,"  and  the  crowd  was  very  good-natured  and 
loudly  cheered  him.  At  the  crack  of  a  pistol  they  were  off. 

Now  Uncle  Hank  was  shrewd  enough  to  know  that  he  could 
not  beat  this  young  sprinter,  but  that  he  had  something  up  his 
sleeve  developed  early  in  the  race.  Before  he  had  gone  very 
far  he  reached  out  his  hand  and  placed  it  on  the  shoulder  of 
his  antagonist  in  such  a  manner  that  he  could  not  be  detected 
by  those  in  the  rear  ;  of  course,  this  was  resented  by  his  rival, 
but  nevertheless  Uncle  Hank  managed  to 
keep  abreast,  and  when  the  final  spurt  was 
made,  being  the  fresher,  actually  won  the 
race. 

When  the  racers  returned  to  the  stand 
there  was  a  vigorous  protest 
on  the  part  of  the  defeated 
athlete,  but  the  crowd  only 
jeered  and  laughed  down  his 
protest,  and  Uncle  Hank  was 
the  hero  of  the  hour. 

From  the  Stadium  to  the  Liberal  Arts  Building 
is  but  a  step,  and  as  most  of  the  people  seemed  to 
be  going  in  that  direction  Uncle 
Hank  followed  the  crowd,  which  is 
always  a  good  thing  to  do  at  the 
Exposition,  as  interesting  places  are 
as  sure  to  draw  the  crowds  as  the 
magnet  is  sure  to  attract  the  needle. 

HANK    WINS    THE    RACE. 


AROUND  THE  "  PAN." 


The  building  of  the  Liberal  Arts  is  admirably  planned  for  its 
purpose,  being  well  lighted  and  commodious,  its  broad  aisles 
showing  to  the  best  advantage  the  artis- 
tic exhibits  of  a  multitude  of  manufac- 
turers. A  small  booth  was  devoted  to 
the  sale  of  crystal  glass  paper-weights 
and  souvenirs.  One  of  the  paper-weights 
contained  a  design  of  two  monkeys 
grasping  hands  after  the  manner  of  the 
females  on  the  well-known  trade  mark 
of  the  Pan-American  Exposition.  It  was 
quite  funny  in  Uncle  Hank's  estimation^ 
and  he  immediately  proceeded  to  bar- 
gain for  one  with  the  pretty  girl  in  at- 
tendance. 

"  A  quarter  a  piece  or  five  for  a  dol- 
lar ?"  said  he  ;  "let's  see,  that's  four  fer 
seventy-five  cent  s — 
three  fer  a  half — two 
fer  a  quarter — and  one 
for  nothin'.  I  guess  I'll 
take  one  !"  and  he 
laughed  quite  heartily  C_ 
at  his  display  of  finan- 
cial sagacity.  He  finally 
agreed  to  take  one  for  a 
quarter  of  a  dollar  if  she 
would  agree  to  refund 
the  money  if  he  brought 
her  customers  for  the 
other  four,  and  before 
he  returned  home  he 
induced  Miss  Mehitable 
and  her  companion  to 


BARGAINING   FOR  A 
SOUVENIR. 


UNCLE  HANK'S  SCHEME  FOR  THE  "STANDARD  BEARER. 


AROUND   THE    "  PAN." 


UNCLE  HANK'S  SUGGESTION  FOR  ADVERTISING  SPACE. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


67 


buy  the  other  four,  and  thus  got  his  money  returned.  A  little 
further  up  the  aisle  he  came  to  a  most  elaborate  display  of 
finely  upholstered  furniture  ;  one  suite  in  particular  was 
very  elegant,  and  as  he  was 
somewhat  fatigued  after 
his  foot  race  he  stretched 
himself  out  at  full  length 
on  the  softly  upholstered 
chairs  and  remarked  : 

"Ther  accommerdashuns 
at  this  Fair  is  sartinly  fine, 
an  I  don't  mind  givin  em 
credit  fer  it. — Now  when  I 
wazup  tew  our  County  Fair/ 
gol  durn  it,  yer  had  tew 
squat  on  tew  ther  boxes  an 
bales  an  they  even  made  us 
eat  our  lunches  where  ther 
hosses  was  tied.  Bycrackee, 
when  1  git  back  tew  hum 
I'm  goin  tew  tell  old  Deacon 
Sparregrass  thet  his  Com- 
mittee don't  know  how  tew 
run  fairs.  Ye  see,  ye  hev 
tew  travel  to  git  inferma- 
shun,  an  when  I  git  it  I 
don't  mind  letting  others 
hev  their  benefit  ov  it." 

He  then  laid  back  on  the 
cushions  and  certainly 
looked  comfortable  and 
was  just  considering  the  ad- 
visability of  opening  his 
ever  trusty  carpet  bag  and 


"A    QUARTER    A    PIECE    OR    FIVE    FOR    A    DOLLAR?"    SAID    HE  J    "  LET*S    SEE,     THAT'S 

FOUR  FER  SEVENTY-FIVE  CENTS — THREE  FER  A  HALF — TWO  FER  A  QUARTER^- 

AND  ONE    FER  NOTHIN'.       I  GUESS  I'LL  TAKE  ONE   {" 


63 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


regaling  himself  with  his  luncheon,  when  his  attention  was 
suddenly  arrested  by  a  large  placard  placed  immediately  above 
his  head,  which  read  as  follows  : 


THIS 

MAGNIFICENT 
PARLOR    SUITE 

MADE     FOR 

PRESIDENT    SLOBB 

OF    THE 

STEEL  TRUST 

AT  A    COST 

OF 
$IOO,OOO. 


UNCLE   HANK   ENJOYING   THE   HOSPITALITY    OF    A   FURNITURE   EXHIBITOR. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


.69 


UNCLE    HANK    MEETS    WILLIAM    I.  BRYAN, 


AROUND  THE  "  PAN. 


UNCLE    HANK    MEETS 
WILLIAM  J.  BRYAN. 


Uncle  Hank  was  so  much  astonished  that  he  tumbled  out  of 
the  chair  and  made  off  with  his  carpetbag-  and  umbrella  before 
he  could  be  discovered  trespassing-  on  such  valuable  property. 
On  emerging-  from  the  Liberal  Arts  Building  our  hero  was 
hustled  unceremoniously  by  a  concourse  of  people  fol- 
lowing a   party   of   distinguished-looking    personages, 
among-  whom    he  recognized  the  well-known  figure  of 
William    J.  Bryan,    who   was  walking  directly   toward 
him. 

As  the  late  Presidential  candidate  approached  him 
he  shot  out  his  hand  for  a  shake,  and  Mr.  Bryan,  seeing 
an  honest-looking  far- 
mer standing  before 
him,  promptly  grasp- 
ed his  extended  hand. 

"  Kernel  Bryan," 
said  he,  "yerdoin  the 
wisest  thing  yer  ever 
did  in  yer  life  in  sayin 
ye  won't  run  for  offis 
again  ;  jest  keep  it 
up,  an  when  ther  peo- 
ple get  tew  thinkin 
thet  ye  don't  want  the 
offis,  b'gosh  they'll 
make  ye  take  it." 

Mr.  Bryan  laughed  quite  heartily  at  this  sally. 

One  of  the  pleasant  features  of  the  Exposition  is  the 
excellent  music  supplied  by  the  different  bands  stationed 
at  convenient  places  throughout  the  grounds.  Uncle 
Hank  seated  himself  on  one  of  the  green  benches  to 
regale  himself  with  the  melodious  strains  from  the 
74th  Regiment  band,  which  was  playing  near  the 
Government  Building,  and  as  he  was  very  tired 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


he  stretched   out  full  length  and  was  soon  slumbering  peace- 
fully. 

It  is  hard  to  tell  how  long  he  would  have  slept  had  he  not 
been  awakened  by  a  policeman,  who  asked  him  if  he  had  lost 
anything-,  and  if  he  had  "like  as  not  that  felly  runnin  there  has 


UNCLE    HANK    I-OSEP 
HIS  WATCH. 


•THER  DISAPPEARING  GUN, 


•HER    DISAPPEARING    SON-OF-A-GUN   !— I'VE    SEEN 
EM    BOTH  NOW." 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


THE    "INNER   MAN. 


got  it !"  at  the  same  time  pointing  to  a  fleeing  figure  just  dis- 
appearing behind  the  disappearing  gun.  Uncle  Hank  then 
discovered  that  his  seventy-five  cent  Ansonia  watch  was  gone. 
After  he  had  fully  awakened,  he  rubbed  his  eyes  and  senten- 
tiously  observed  :  "  Ther  disappearing  gun,  an'  ther  disappear- 
ing son-of-a-gun  !  I've  seen  em  both  now.': 

With  a  look  of  disgust  on  his  honest  old  face  at  this  phase  of 
human,  depravity,  he  slowly  made  his  way  to  the  exit. 


The  good  or  bad  reputation  of  pleasure  resorts  is  often  deter- 
mined by  the  good  or  bad  meals  obtainable.  A  pleasure  trip 
in  which  the  "  inner  man "  was  satisfactorily  entertained  is 
always  pleasantly  remembered,  and  a  sight-seeing  journey  is 
doubly  satisfying  if,  at  the  end  of  the  day's  jaunt,  a  well-cooked 
repast  is  at  hand. 

"  Man  grows  on  what  he  feeds." 

So  well  understood  was  this  that  Napoleon,  if  possible,  never 
went  to  battle  until  his  troops  had  had  their  rations,  and  Ad- 
miral Lord  Nelson  invariably  served  grog  before  his  ships 
went  into  action. 

A  very  noticeable  feature  of  the  crowds  going  into  the  Expo- 
sition was  the  almost  universal  custom  of  carrying  lunch  boxes. 
The  restaurant  facilities  of  the  "  Pan "  were  good,  but  the 
prices  were  somewhat  high,  for  concessions  cost  money,  and  it 
took  money  to  build  the  Fair. 

Two  ragged  specimens  of  humanity,  who  had  evidently 
"  jumped  the  fence,"  expressed  disgust  at  the  lack  of  lunching 
facilities  one  day. 

"  I  say,  pard,  I  wouldn'  t  er  came  ef  I  knowed  thar  waz  no 
free  lunch  layout." 

"An*  dey  don't  give  out  no  food  samples  to  de  likes  ov  us!" 
growled  the  other  in  disgust.  And  the  pair  shambled  off  in 
response  to  a  threatening  gesture  by  a  policeman  who  was 
eying  them  suspiciously,  and  who  entertained  no  friendly 
feeling  for  impecunious  visitors. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


73 


The  Bailey  Catering  Company  controlled  the  principal  res- 
taurant concessions,  and  it  was  into  one  of  their  establishments 
our  friend  found  himself  at  noon. 

"  What  d'yer  charge  fer  coffee  ?"  inquired  he  of  a  pert  little 
waitress. 

"  Ten  cents,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Fer  a  cup? 

"  Yes." 

"  Wai,  jest  bring  me  a  cup  ov  coffee." 

And  when  the  waitress  walked  off  to  fill  the  order  he  reached 
down  to  his  ever  faithful  carpet  bag  and  extracted  therefrom  a 
large  apple  pie. 

"  Ten  Cents  fer  a  fine  pie  like  thet  down  in  Buffaler  agin  Ten 
Cents  fer  a  skimpy  little  piece  here. — Wai,  I  patronizes  Buffaler 
every  time."  And  he  promptly  proceeded  to  hide  his  Buffalo 
purchase  in  his  capacious  maw. 

Uncle  Hank  now  resolved  that  he  would  tackle  The  Agri- 
cultural Building  next.  Just  as  he  entered  he  was  confronted 
by  a  colossal  plaster  model  of  the  Goddess  of  Light  which 
surmounted  the  Electrical  Tower  almost  400  feet  from  the 
ground.  This  white  model,  however,  was  only  a  few  feet  from 
the  floor  of  the  building,  and  its  beauteous  proportions  were 
strikingly  displayed,  in  fact,  it  was  the  biggest  thing  in  nude 
art  that  had  been  seen  for  many  a  day  and  many  a  spouse  had 
given  her  husband's  coat  tail  an  urgent  tug  in  passing  it. 

Of  course,  it  attracted  Uncle  Hank,  and  elicited  from  him  the 
observation  "  Thet  Goddess  of  Light  was  durned  lightly 
dressed,  but  by  ginger,  she's  a  beauty,  an  I  reckon  she 
wouldn't  look  half  ez  attractiv  with  them  tight  skirts  an  high 
French  heels  an  picture  hats  thet  the  wimmen  ez  wearin  now 
days.  Them  artists  knows  how  tew  make  ther  fair  six  attractiv 
an  I  wont  pretend  tew  criticiz  em." 

And  the  old  gentleman  pursued  his  way  in  search  of  new 
adventures. 


ECONOMY   IN   FOOD. 


74 


COMPARISONS    ARE    ODIOUS. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 

f 


"  OI    WONDTHER    IS    THOT    WHOT    CLANCY    MEANT    WHIN 
HE    SAID    OI    WAS    A    PUNKIN    HEAD." 

Near  the  centre  of  the  building  there  was  a  display  of  fine 
pumpkins,  before  one  of  which  stood  a  son  of  Erin,  with  a  very 
puzzled  expression  on  his  face  as  he  gave  vent  to  his  feelings. 

"  I  wondher  is  thot  whot  Clancy  meant  whin  he  sed  Oi  was 
a  punkin  hed  ?"  and  his  indignation  was  plainly  reflected  on  his 
face  as  he  contemplated  the  prize  vegetable  with  its  profusion 
of  warty  excrescences. 

The  display  of  old  ploughs  caught  Uncle  Hank's  attention, 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


75 


A  FARMER'S  PHILOSOPHY. 


and  he  examined  them  very  critically,  as  the  sight  of  them 
brought  him  back  to  the  days  of  his  youth,  when  he  had  trav- 
eled many  a  mile  in  following  furrows  thrown  up  by  just  such 
ploughs. 

"  They  ain't  no  money  in  farmin'  nowdays.  When  ever  I  see 
ploughin'  done  now,  I  allus  think  thars  a  hoss  at  one  end  ov 
ther  plough  an'  a  jackass  at  tother  end." 

After  scrutinizing  the  agricultural  exhibits  from  South 
American  countries  and  commenting  on  the  fact  that  they 
were  "not  in  it"  with  " Calif orny,"  he  continued: 

"Ye  kaint  beat  Calif  orny  nohow  in  raisin'  fine  fruits,  an 
monster  trees,  an  the  ony  thing  South  Ameriky  kin  beat  her  in 
raisin'  ez  in  raisin'  revolooshtms." 

He  whiled  away  considerable  time  among  the  agricultural 
exhibits,  and  like  a  true  Yankee  profited  largely  by  his  investi- 
gations. He  now  proceeded  toward  the  Electrical  Building, 
and  had  not  gone  far  in  this  building  when  he  encountered  a 
huge  lump  of  pure  India  rubber,  which  was,  as  a  placard 
announced,  the  largest  lump  of  rubber  in  the  world.  A  tall, 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


AROUND   THE   "  PAN.' 


77 


"  WHAT   DO   THEY   MAKE   OF   THAT,    MISTER  ?" 
"RUBBER    NECKS!" 


AROUND  THE   "PAN. 


-THE    YANKEES 
OF    THE 
ORIENT. 


A    REAL  JAP   TAKES    A    RIDE    IN    A   JINRICKSHA    DRAWN    BY    AN    IMITATION   JAP. 

gaunt  individual  was  craning  his  neck  to  get  a  good  look  at  it. 
"What  do  they  make  out  of  that,  mister?"  he  inquired. 

"  Rubber  necks  !"  promptly  responded  the  facetious  attend- 
ant, to  the  very  evident  disgust  of  the  inquirer. 

On  the  Midway  Uncle  Hank  encountered  a  jinricksha  with  a 
real  Jap  riding  and  an  imitation  Jap  (who  was  palpably  of 
Italian  origin)  pulling,  which  caused  him  to  smile  as  he 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


79 


remarked  that  "  them  Japs  is  rapidly  larnin  the  ways  of  civili- 
zashun — them's  the  Yankees  ov  ther  orient  an  I  reckon  the  fust 
thing  ye  know  they'llhev  a  Monroe  doctrine  ovther  own  thet'll 
give  them  Rooshins  an  Germans  something  tew  think  abaout." 

Man's  ingenuity  is  never  made  so  manifest  as  when  displayed 
in  machinery,  and  Americans  certainly  surpass  all  others  in 
this  domain. 

Machinery  Hall  amply  repaid  the  visitor.  Its  popularity  was 
manifested  in  many  ways. 
Crowds  surrounded  the  many 
complicated  machines  and  in- 
tently watched  their  perform- 
ances. 

Uncle  Hank,  being  a  genuine 
Yankee,  took  an  intense  interest 
in  everything  of  a  mechanical 
nature  on  exhibition,  from  the 
tiny  pin  machine  to  the  colossal 
locomotives  in  the  Transporta- 
tion Building.  He  was  in  a  par- 
ticularly quizzical  mood  as  he 
approached  an  attendant  in 
Machinery  Hall. 

"  I  say,"  said  he,  "  what's  ther 
biggest  masheen  ye  got  ?" 

"Well,  there's  a  machine  over 

there  that's  hard  to  beat,"  replied  he,  pointing  to  a  monster 
near  the  centre  of  the  building. 

"Wai,  I  don't  see  anything  great  here,"  retorted  Uncle  Hank. 

"Well,  you  must  be  hard  to  please,"  replied  the  attendant, 
in  evident  disgust. 

"Oh,  no,  I  ain't,"  replied  Uncle  Hank,  "only  you  haven't 
got  the  most  wonderful  masheenery  here  by  a  long  shot.  Why, 
thar's  a  masheen  down  in  York  State  thet  hez  got  its  fly-wheel 


THE   WONDERS    OF 
MACHINERY. 


HE   SPENT   ALL   HIS   TIME   IN 
MACHINERY   HALL. 


8o 


AROUND  THE  "PAN/ 


THE    TOMPLATT    MACHINE. 


in  Albany,  and  its  piston  rod  runs  clear  down  tew  New  York 
City,  an'  its  shaftin'  runs  away  out  to  Buffler,  and  its  beltin'  ex- 
tends tew  Rochester,  Syracuse,  Elmiry,  Tiogy,  an'  clean  down 
ther  Mohawk  Valley,  an'  its  furnace  is  down  in  Wall  street, 
while  its  lever  is  in  ther  Fifth  Avenoo  Hotel." 

'•  Well,  for  heaven's  sake  !  What  machine  are  you  referring 
to?"  inquired  the  attendant  in  astonishment. 

"  Why,  Tom  Platt's  political  masheen  !"  and  Uncle  Hank 
keenly  enjoyed  the  amazement  of  his  companion. 

From  Machinery  Hall  he  made  his  way  to  the  Transportation 
Building,  and  spent  a  couple  of  hours  climbing  over  the  mon- 
ster locomotives  and  freight  cars.  When  he  came  to  the  old- 
fashioned  locomotive  with  its  name  "  De  Witt  Clinton  "  on  its 
side,  and  contrasted  it  with  the  modern  railway  giants,  he  could 
not  help  reminiscing. 

"  By  ginger,  how  fast  this  world's  movin'  nowdays — and  ther 
aint  nothin  thet  shows  it  like  them  locomotives." 

After  leaving  the  Transportation  Building  Uncle  Hank 
made  his  way  to  the  Horticultural  Building.  Flowers  in  pro- 
fusion greeted  the  visitors  on  entering.  The  walls  of  the  build- 
ing were  covered  with  bas  reliefs,  twining  vines,  etc.  In  the 
conservatories  which  connect  this  building  with  others  were 
rare  exhibits  of  hot-house  plants,  but  as  Uncle  Hank  was  not 
of  the  hot-house  variety,  he  did  not  tarry  long  here. 

At  the  southwestern  end  of  the  Esplanade  and  connected  to 
the  Horticultural  Building  by  an  arcade,  which  was  used  as  a 
conservatory  for  flowers,  was  the  Mines  Building.  Square  in 
design,  with  four  square  corner  towers  and  a  loggia  of  three 
arches  forming  the  entrances  to  the  building,  which  was  lighted 
by  means  of  a  glass  skylight  in  the  centre  of  the  roof. 

The  beautiful  colored  fountains  at  the  base  of  the  tall  Elec- 
trical Tower  were  an  attractive  part  of  the  Pan-American 
Exposition. 

Clouds  of  brilliantly  colored  spray  were  thrown  high  up  into 


AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 


81 


the  air,  the  prismatic  colors  changing  constantly.  Salvos  of 
applause  greeted  this  beautiful  exhibition  every  night,  and,  in 
conjunction  with  the  music  of  the  Bands  near  by,  the  scene 
was  indeed  fairy-like. 

The  gondoliers  were  very  expert  with  their  single  oars,  and 
races  between  them  were  of  frequent  occurrence,  in  which  the 

passengers  invari- 
ably took  keen  inter- 
est, and  by  offering 
rewards  for  victory 
engendered  fierce 
jealousy  among  the 
hot-blooded  Italians. 
It  was  laughable 
to  witness  a  .race  in 
which  a  constant 
stream  of  vitupera- 
tion flowed  from  one 
to  the  other,  which 
(being  in  ItaHan)  was 
not  understood  or 
comprehended  by  the 
passengers. 

"  Go  it,   Peanuts  !n 
would  be  the  cry  from 

one  of  the  boats.     "  We'll  make  up  a  purse  fur  you  if  you  win." 
Then  a  passenger  would  rise  up  in  the  rival  gondola,  and  by 
a  liberal  reward  encourage  their  oarsman  to  do  his  best,  and 
the  passengers  invariably  got  the  worth  of  their  money. 

Uncle  Hank  resolved  that  he  would  take  a  try  at  the  gon- 
dolas, and  he  was  wise  in  concluding  to  do  so,  as  a  ride  around  the 
E  xposition  on  the  waterways  gave  an  excellent  idea  of  its  beauty. 
He  perched  himself  on  the  bow  end  and  was  thoroughly 
enjoying  his  ride  alone.     Just  as  the  boat  was  approaching  the 


THE   RIVAL   GONDOLIER*. 


82 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


Triumphal  Bridge  he  took  it  into  his  head  to  try  a  little  fishing, 
and  before  the  boatman  could  divine  his  purpose  he  straddled 
out  on  the  extreme  end  of  the  gondola,  to  the  great  consterna- 
tion of  the  oarsman.  After  a  little  vigorous  rocking  the  boat 
came  back  to  quietude,  once  more,  and  he  remarked,  as  he  gave 
up  his  attempt,  "  Seems  ter  me  he's  a  poor  sailor  ;  ef  he'd  try 
Bosting  Bay  a  bit,  he  wouldn't  git  so  skeered  in  a  bit  of  pond 
water." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


Uncle  Hank  was  loquacity  personified.  He  would,  on  the 
slightest  provocation,  unburden  himself  to  any  bystander  who 
would  care  to  listen  to  him  ;  and  as  he  was  an  interesting  talker 
he  soon  had  his  hearers  not  only  interested  but  convulsed  with 
laughter  at  his  quaint  way  of  expressing  himself. 

His  recital  of  his  experiences  in  "  Moosic"  Hall,  to  a  group  of 
sightseers  evoked  salvos  of  laughter.  Said  he  : 

"  Wai,  I  was  jest  meanderin  around  thet  Moosic  Hall  an'  thinks 
I,  I'll  look  in  a  bit  an'  see  thet  big  organ,  when  jest  as  I  popped 
in  a  gentleman  in  a  frock  coat  grabbed  me  by  the  hand  an'  sed 
he  waz  glad  ter  see  me,  an'  shoved  me  ahead  of  htm  right  up 
ter  the  key  board  an'  sez  he,  '  Yer  moosic's  all  ready  fer  ye  !' 
an'  before  I  knew  he  hed  me  seated  at  the  big  overpowerin 
organ  in  front  of  ther  hull  congregashun.  Jest  then  it  occurred 
tew  me  thet  ther  organ  player  hed  disappinted  'em,  an'  they 
wanted  me  ter  play,  but  all  I  cud  play  was  them  hymns 
we  had  at  our  church  an*  they  didn't  mount  tew  much  nohow 
However,  I  seed  I  waz  in  fer  it  an  sez  I  tew  myself,  here  goes  ! 
I  '11  do  ther  best  I  can  an'  I  starts  ther  masheen  on  Old  Hun- 
dred an'  ther  Doxology.  Fust  I  pulled  out  two  or  three  ov 
ther  buttons  an'  pressed  both  feet  hard  down  on  ther  brakes  an' 
played  slow  like,  then  I  put  on  a  little  more  steam  an'  pulled 
out  sum  more  buttons  an'  she  snorted  like  a  hull  brass  band  in 
a  cyclone,  an'  ther  congregashun  clapped  ther  hands,  an'  I  waz 
goin'  tew  give  'em  another  tune  when  the  gentleman  in  the 
frock  coat  come  up  tew  me  and  sed  he  wanted  ter  see  me  out- 
side, so  I  follored  him  thinkin'  they  waz  goin'  tew  thank  me  fer 
playin',  when  he  sez,  'Air  you  Perferser  Schwannfussel,'  or 
somethin'  like  thet,  an'  I  sez,  '  Naw,  I  'm  no  Perferser,  I  'm 
Henry  Slocum  from  Medford  ;'  and  then  a  wild-eyed,  long-haired 
Dutchman  with  a  big  roll  of  moosic  under  his  arm  walked  right 
up  tew  ther  orgin  and  bowed  right  an'  left  tew  ther  congrega- 
shun, and  they  clapped  him  jest  as  they  did  me,  but  he  couldn't 
play  anything  thet  sounded  like  moosic,  so  I  jest  thot  I  wouldn't 


THE    YANKEE    ORGANIST. 


84 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


SHE   SNORTED   LIKE   A    HULL    BRASS   BAND    IN    A   CYCLONE.' 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


waste  my  time  listenin'  tew  his  practising  for  if  ther's  any- 
thin'  I  lose  patiense  with,  it's  listenin'  tew  people  practisin' 
moosic,"  and  the  old  gentleman  winked  knowingly  at  the 
bystanders. 

At  the  northern  entrance  to  Agricultural  Hall  there  were 
some  fine  specimens  of  California  redwood  trees  cut  in  sections 
to  show  their  enormous  proportions,  one  of  which  was  hollowed 
out,  with  an  opening  cut  at  the  side.  It  was  easily  possible  for 
a  couple  of  score  of  people  to  stand  within  its  interior.  This 
monster  tree  appealed  strongly  to  Uncle  Hank's  admiration 
and  he  lost  no  time  in  investigating  its  interior.  "By  Ginger," 
he  exclaimed  in  amazement,  "  when  I  tell  em  tew  hum  ther 
size  ov  them  trees  they'll  say  I  waz  drinkin'  tew  much  hard 
cider  when  I  waz  up  tew  Buffler." 

There  was  a  vast  difference  between  Pan-American  Exhibit- 
ors, as  some  exhibited  for  glory  and  others  for  profit ;  of  the  latter 
class  the  Optical  Exhibitors  were  perhaps  the  most  prominent, 
as  their  exhibits  were  to  be  found  in  almost  every  building  and 
their  importunities  were  often  annoying  to  sightseers. 

A  matronly-looking  old  lady  was  passing  an  optical  manu- 
facturer's exhibit  in  the  Electrical  Building  when  she  was 
approached  by  one  of  the  attendants  with  the  request  that  she 
would  examine  the  wonderful  eye  glasses  exhibited  by  his 
firm  ;  and  being  loath  to  purchase  she  evaded  his  request.  But 
the  salesman  was  not  to  be  denied. 

"Madame,  our  glasses  are  the  most  perfect  specimens  of  the 
Oculist's  Art ;  they  are  made  from  pure  rock  crystal."  But  his 
most  persuasive  manner  did  not  convince  the  old  lady  that  she 
required  his  glasses. 

"  I  tell  you  that  I  don't  wear  glasses,"  she  protested. 

"  Madame,  can  you  read  that  ?"  the  eye-glass  salesman  per- 
sistently inquired,  at  the  same  time  handing  her  a  card  on  which 
some  very  fine  type  was  printed,  so  fine,  indeed,  that  it  would 
take  exceedingly  sharp  eyesight  to  read  it. 


UNCLE  HANK  TREED. 


86 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


A   CASE   OF   DOUBLE-SIGHT. 


The  old  lady  took  the  card,  and  holding  it  upside  down, 
nodded  her  head  affirmatively,  declaring  she  could  read  it. 

The  salesman  doubted  her  and  resolved  to  pursue  the  matter 
further  in  the  hope  of  making  a  possible  purchaser. 

"  Why,  Madame  !"  he  exclaimed, "  we  sold  a  pair  of  our  match- 
less concave,  convex,  achromatic,  non-distorting  glasses  to 
Uncle  Russell  Sage,  and  now  he  sees  two  dollars  where  formerly 
he  saw  but  one." 

At  this  juncture  our  friend  Uncle  Hank  appeared  upon  the 
scene,  and  as  he  approached  he  overheard  the  last  remark  made 
by  the  salesman. 

"  So  ye  sold  Uncle  Russell  glasses  thet  made  him  see  double, 
did  ye  ?  Wai,  thet  ain't  nothin' ;  daown  in  Nu  York  ye  kin  git 
glasses  thet  '1  make  ye  see  double  fer  a  nickel  a  piece."  A 
broad  grin  suffused  his  countenance  as  he  got  off  this  bon  mot. 

The  salesman  now  turned  his  attention  to  the  countryman, 
and  as  he  was  a  shrewd  judge  of  human  nature  he  adopted 
different  tactics  in  his  efforts  to  make  a  sale. 

"  Now  I  don't  suppose  I  can  interest  you  in  glasses,  for  I  don't 
suppose  you  need  them,  as  I  judge  your  eyesight  is  very  good." 

This  had  the  desired  effect,  as  it  tickled  the  old  man's  vanity. 

"  Wall,  my  sight  used  to  be  good,  but  jest  now  it  ain't  what  it 
oughter  be.  Let's  look  at  some  of  yer  glasses."  With  this  the 
pair  entered  the  enclosure  to  inspect  the  lenses. 

Finally,  after  much  searching,  a  pair  of  glasses  was  secured 
that  just  suited  our  hero's  eyes,  and  with  an  inward  chuckle  he 
proceeded  to  "  bargain." 

"  I  say,  be  these  the  kind  ye  sold  tew  Russell  Sage  ?"  he 
inquired. 

"  The  very  kind,  sir,  and  I  can  recommend  them." 

"Wall,  jest  put  them  on  till  I  see  how  they  become  ye." 

And  as  the  salesman  adjusted  them  to  his  eyes 
the  countryman  handed  him  a  dollar  note  folded 
up,  and  reached  for  the  glasses. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  87 

"  Hold  up  !"   the  salesman  exclaimed,  as  he  discovered  the         A  YANKEE  BARGAIN. 
denomination  of  the  bank  note.    "  The  glasses  are  $2  and  his  is 
only  one  dollar." 

"  Yas,  and  didn't  ye  jest  say  them  waz  the  same  kind  ye  sold 
tew  Mr.  Sage  ?"  interrogated  Hank. 

"Well?" 

"  An  didn't  ye  say  that  they  made  him  see  two  dollars  whar 
ther  waz  only  one,  an*  ye  hed  'em  on  when  I  giv'  yer  ther  dollar; 
either  yer  glasses  lie  or  you  don't  hitch  up  close  tew  ther 
truth."  And  Uncle  Hank  noted  the  salesman's  discomfiture 
with  evident  satisfaction,  and  after  a  hearty  laugh  at  his  ex- 
pense he  produced  another  dollar  and  departed  with  his 
purchase. 

Our  Yankee  friend  now  proceeded  to  make  his  way  towards 
a  crowd  that  was  listening  intently  to  a  long  discourse  on  the 
wonders  and  mysteries  of  the  art  of  Palmistry  delivered  by  a 
glib-tongued  "barker." 

"  Palmistry,  my  friends,  is  an  exact  science,"  he  declaimed  ; 
"  by  the  lines  in  your  hands  we  can  determine  your  past,  pres- 
ent and  future  ;  we  can  tell  you  how  long  you  will  live,  how 
short  you  will  love,  and  lift  aside  the  veil  of  the  future,  and 
let  you  gaze  into  the  misty  past." 

As  Uncle  Hank  was  bent  upon  seeing  everything  worth  see- 
ing at  the  Exposition  he  resolved  to  take  in  this  little  diversion. 
Accordingly  he  divested  himself  of  a  quarter  and  entered  the 
portals  of  this  mysterious  chamber  of  Palmistry.  As  he  entered 
he  noticed  that  there  were  several  victims  like  himself,  await- 
ing their  turn  on  a  settee  in  the  center  of  the  large  room, 
around  the  borders  of  which  were  located  the  small,  curtained 
booths  of  the  several  palmists.  After  waiting  a  short  time  an 
attendant  requested  him  to  step  into  one  of  the  booths.  As  he 
entered  he  was  pleasantly  greeted  by  a  stout,  middle-aged 
female  who  politely  requested  him  to  be  seated,  at  the  same 
time  designating  a  chair  at  the  opposite  side  of  the  table  at 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


S  I'OSK    VK  VE    GOT    THER    HANDS    ALL    MAPPED    OUT. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


89 


which  she  was  seated.  Uncle  Hank  took  a  swift  inventory  of 
the  interior  of  the  booth  before  reaching  over  his  hands  to  be 
examined. 

"  I  s'pose  ye  Ve  got  ther  hands  all  mapped  out  so's  ye  can  tell 
a  man's  crackter  jest  by  the  look  of  ther  wrinkles." 

"  Yes,"  she  smilingly  replied  ;  "  the  lines  in  the  hands  are 
sure  guides  to  the  character.  Now,  this  line  extending  as  it 
does  from  the  Mount  of  Jupiter  to  the  region  of  Mars  and  into 
Venus,  indicates  a  distinctly  heroic  career  with  a  succession  of 
difficulties  successfully  overcome  ;  and  furthermore,  the 
strength  of  the  line  in  the  vicinity  of  the  Mount  of  Venus  prog- 
nosticates an  experience  with  the  fair  sex  that  is  sure  to  be 
flattering."  As  she  delivered  this  diagnosis  she  pointed  with 
her  index  finger  to  a  deep  line  that  extended  nearly  across  the 
palm. 

"  Dew  ye  mean  thet  all  thet  is  showed  in  thet  scar  ?"  inquired 
Hank  in  an  amused  manner. 

"  Scar  !   did  you  say  ?"  exclaimed  the  palm  expert. 

"  Yas,"  replied  Hank,  "  thet  was  made  by  a  scythe  blade  one 
afternoon  last  summer  when  I  waz  mowin'  the  medder  back  ov 
ther  hog  pen." 

The  Palmist  was  not  a  bit  nonplussed,  and  in  the  most  polite 
manner  asked  to  see  his  other  hand  which  Uncle  Hank  extended, 
with  a  broad  smile  lighting  up  his  good-natiired  countenance. 

After  closely  scrutinizing  the  lines,  and  predicting  a  series  of 
adventures  and  a  long  life  by  the  length  of  the  life  line,  Uncle 
Hank  remarked  that  he  ought  to  be  able  to  hang  on  to  life, 
seeing  that  he  was  possessed  of  such  a  good  life  line. 

With  this  our  hero  departed,  not  fully  convinced  of  the  abso- 
lute reliability  of  the  science  of  Palmistry.  As  he  emerged 
from  the  building  he  soliloquized  on  the  gullability  of  mankind 
in  general. 

"Oh,  Credulity, 

Thou  hast  many  ears  as  Fame  has  tongues 

Open  to  every  sound  of  truth  as  falsehood." — HARVARD. 


PALM-MYSTERY. 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


A  DISCIPLE  OF   BARNUM. 


"  Old  Phineas  T.  Barnum  used  ter  say  ther  publik  liked  ter 
be  humbugged,  an'  bless'd  ef  I  don't  think  he  waz  abaout  rite,  fer 
jest  look  at  the  crowd  arouu'  thet  fakir  tyin'  hisself  up  with 
thet  rope  an'  pertendin'  he's  goin'  ter  do  a  trick  with  it,  an'  he's 
only  humbuggin'  'em  ter  git  ther  attenshun  tew  his  show."  As 
he  delivered  himself  of  this  soliloquy,  he  walked  over  to  where 
the  "Fakir"  was  holding  forth,  to  listen  to  his  harangue. 

"  This  feat  was  performed  by  the  great  Hermann  just  before 
his  death  and  the  secret  was  purchased  by  us  at  an  enormous 
expense  ;  but  before  I  fully  tie  up  this  man  I  want  to  call  your 
attention  to  the  attraction  we  have  to  offer  on  the  inside  for  the 
small  sum  of  twenty-five  cents.  Now  don't  go  away  before  see- 
ing our  wonderful  exhibition,  if  you  go  back  home  and  say  you 
have  not  seen  it,  the  finger  of  ridicule  will  be  pointed  at  you, 
and  your  long  trip  to  the  Pan-American  Exposition  will  be  a 
woeful  failure  and  you  will  never  forgive  yourselves." 

The  speaker  was  a  long,  attenuated  specimen  of  humanity. 
He  had  tied  up  his  assistant  with  a  long  rope  and  the  crowd 
stood  agape  with  expectancy.  Just  as  Uncle  Hank  had 
remarked,  his  object  was  to  attract  attention  by  pretending  to 
do  some  feat  of  legerdemain  and  thereby  bring  to  notice  the 
attractions  of  the  show.  But  the  crowd  had  been  fooled  so 
often  that  when  the  promised  feat  was  not  performed,  the 
assemblage  moved  on  in  search  of  other  attractions  despite  the 
pleadings  of  the  "  barker." 

"  Of  course,"  he  would  shout,  "  if  you  haven't  got  the  price, 
I  can't  expect  to  do  business  with  you  !" — "  If  it  was  a  free 
show  how  you  'd  all  crowd  in." 

There  was  a  deal  of  truth  in  the  last  remark,  and  Uncle 
Hank  fell  a  victim  to  this  tendency  of  mankind  in  general  to 
profit  by  "  free  gifts." 

It  was  on  the  occasion  of  his  visit  to  the  Liberal  Arts  Build- 
ing. Here  a  number  of  the  exhibitors  gave  samples  of  the 
foods  they  exhibited  with  the  double  purpose  of  advertising 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


91 


their  products,  and  at  the  same  time  secure  orders  for  the  same 
from  the  beneficiaries.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  where  these 
samples  were  given  out  the  crowds  were  always  dense.  Uncle 
Hank's  inherent  curiosity  induced  him  to  investigate,  with  the 
result  that  he  soon  became  as  eager  as  the  others  to  secure  the 
free  samples  ;  indeed,  it  soon  occurred  to  him  that  it  was  possi- 
ble to  obtain  a  rather  substantial  free  lunch  in  this  manner. 
The  first  exhibit  to  catch  his  eye  was  that  of  Quaker  Oats, 
where  some  very  pretty  girls  attired  as  Quakeresses  were  busy 
handing  out  saucers  of  oatmeal,  one  of  which  was  soon  secured 
by  the  old  man  and  devoured  with  a  smack  of  the  lips.  He 
was  now  a  full-fledged  "  Free  Sample  Fiend,"  and  vied  with  the 
rest  in  securing  the  free  samples. 

He  next  proceeded  to  the  Aunt  Jamima  Booth,  and  from  the 
old  colored  mammy  got  one  of  her  griddle  cakes  ;  then  he 
crossed  the  aisle  to  Hoiiick's  Malted  Milk,  and  from  the  young 
lady  in  attendance  sampled  a  nice  cup  of  their  product  ;  after 
gallantly  complimenting  the  actendant  on  the  excellence  of 
malted  milk  in  general  and  Horlick's  in  particular  by  saying 
that  he  often  drank  malt  liquors,  but  "  malted  milk  is  sartinly 
fine !"  His  appetite  was  now  whetted  and  he  proceeded 
down  the  line.  His  next  onslaught  was  at  the  Artistic  Kitchen 
of  the  Washburn-Crosby  Flour  Company.  Here  was  exhibited 
the  complete  process  of  making  flour  into  the  most  delicious- 
looking  bread  imaginable,  every  stage  of  making  was  shown, 
and  finally  when  the  baking  in  the  quaint  old  Dutch  oven  was 
complete,  the  samples  of  bread,  nicely  buttered,  were  handed 
out  to  the  eager  crowd,  and  our  hero  succeeded  in  getting  his 
goodly  share.  Then  he  followed  the  crowd  into  the  enclosure 
of  the  American  Coffee  Company,  and  after  drinking  a  cup  of 
very  fragrant  coffee  he  made  his  way  to  the  Erie  County 
Preserving  Company's  stand  and  tried  a  slab  of  their  peerless 
mince  pie,  also  a  liberal  allowance  of  preserves  ;  he  was  now 
pretty  well  filled  up  with  a  conglomeration  of  food  samples, 


UNCLE  HANK  SAMPLES 


THE  SAMPLE. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


'THE   FREE   SAMPLES   WERE   GETTING   IN   THEIR   DEADLY   WORK." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


when  he  spied  Heinz's  Pickle  Pavilion  (57  varieties)  ;  he  started 
in  on  sweet  pickles,  then  tackled  apple  butter,  then  some 
pickles  and  India  Relish,  and  finally  wound  up  with  pine-apple 
preserves.  He  was  about  to  go  when  he  thought  he  would 
secure  another  pickle.  He  was  muching  this  when  he  was  sud- 
denly seized  with  griping  pains  in  his  stomach. 

He  repaired  to  an  unfrequented  corner  of  the  building  so  as 
to  attract  no  attention,  and  with  both  hands  on  his  abdomen 
writhed  in  pain  ;  the  samples  were  getting  in  their  deadly 
work. 

"  Gee  whiz  !"  he  exclaimed  ;  "  et's  that  blasted  mince  pie — 
oh  !  I'll  die  ef  this  keeps  up.  I  guess  it's  them  pickles — er  ther 
presarves." 

The  perspiration  was  streaming  down  his  pallid  face  and  he 
was  a  woebegone  object  to  look  at.  He  lost  no  time  in  mak- 
ing his  way  out  of  the  building,  intending  to  search  for  the 
hospital  on  the  grounds,  as  the  pain  was  becoming  intolerable. 
He  had  proceeded  but  a  short  distance  when  he  spied  an  ambu- 
lance with  a  young  physician  standing  by,  to  whom  he  related 
his  troubles  and  his  fears. 

"  Been  eating  something  that  doesn't  agree  with  you,  eh  ?" 
exclaimed  the  doctor.  "  Well,  just  wait  a  bit ;  I  can  fix  you  up." 
With  this  he  reached  for  his  medicine  chest,  and  opening  it  he 
produced  a  bottle  of  lime  water  and  a  small  vial  of  cholera 
drops.  In  a  few  moments  he  prepared  a  dose  that  soon  quieted 
the  rebellious  stomach  of  our  stricken  hero,  but  the  lesson  was 
a  good  one  and  it  lasted  Uncle  Hank  for  many  a  day.  "  What 
a  consarned  fool  a  man  is  tew  abuse  his  best  friend,  his  stum- 
mick,  an  I'm  sartinly  old  enough  tew  know  a  heap  sight  better, 
but  th'  older  ye  git  ther  more  foolish  yer  be,"  he  morosely 
observed  as  he  made  his  way  home  at  the  end  of  the  day,  a 
sadder  and  a  wiser  man. 


A    FOOD   SAMPLE   CU'T'iON. 


94 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


HOW  THEY   "DO 
THE    "PAN." 


Uncle  Hank  had  no  particular  system  of  "  doing"  the  "  Pan." 
As  Roy  McCardell  says  :  "The  leopard  can  change  his  spots 
(notwithstanding  legends  to  the  contrary);  he  can  move  to 
another  spot."  So  it  was  with  the  countryman;  he  changed 
his  spots  quite  frequently,  as  did  the  majority  of  visitors  to  the 
Exposition.  Some  would  come  with  well-defined  plans  as  to 
how  they  would  "do"  the  show,  but  when  a  blare  of  trumpets 
and  a  volley  of  musketry  would  emanate  from  a  remote  corner 
of  the  Exposition  grounds  and  the  crowd  would  rush  pell  mell 
in  that  direction,  then  all  prearranged  plans  would  be  aban- 
doned, and  an  unconquerable  desire  to  follow  the  crowd  would 
be  gratified. 

The  first  question  asked  by  ladies  on  entering  the  Manufac- 
turers Building  was  invariably,  "  Where  is  the  Singer  Exhibit  ?" 
Its  fame  had  spread  among  the  fair  sex,  as  indeed  it  should,  for 
its  display  of  marvelous  embroidered  work  in  its  beautiful 
pavilion  was  unsurpassed.  In  his  perambulations  throughout 
the  Exposition  Uncle  Hank  happened  to  wander  into  the  circu- 
lar pavilion  occupied  by  this  famous  sewing  machine  company, 
and  as  he  was  a  true-born  Yankee  he  was  always  interested  in 
machines.  A  young  lady  was  engaged  in  showing  a  group  the 
wonderful  capabilities  of  the  "Singer"  when  Uncle  Hank  ven- 
tured the  suggestion  that  he  could  "  do  a  bit  with  the  masheen 
hisself." 

The  young  lady  operator  banteringly  doubted  this  and  offered 
him  a  chance  to  try,  and  when  he  essayed  to  take  possession  of 
the  sewing  machine  there  was  a  titter  of  amusement  from  the 
young  lady  attendants  who  closely  surrounded  him  as  he  pro- 
ceeded to  show  what  he  could  do.  He  looked  very  awkward 
at  the  machine  when  he  started  to  adjust  a  piece  of  cambric, 
but  his  apparent  awkwardness  was  due  to  his  anxiety  to  play  a 
trick  on  the  jeering  girls,  who  audibly  commented  on  his  big 
country  hands  and  boldly  intimated  that  he  was  better  qualified 
for  handling  plows  and  cultivators.  However,  this  did  not  dis- 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


95 


concert  him,  and  he  placed  the  piece  of  cambric  under  the 
needle  and  without  attracting  their  attention  he  slyly  secured 
a  dangling  ribbon  from  one  young  ladies'  costume  and  joined 
It  to  a  flounce  of  another  standing  by,  and  passed  them  under 
the  needle  in  such  a  manner  that  when  he  finished  sewing 
they  were  sewed  together  like  the  Siamese  twins.  When 
Hank  got  up  from  the  machine  they  discovered  the  trick,  and  a 
wild  scream  of  laughter  from  all  the  bystanders  present  greeted 
the  exploit. 

"Naow,  gals,"  he  exclaimed,  "don't  never  make  fun  ov  yer 
daddy  agin." 

In  the  Louisiana  exhibit  Uncle  Hank  good-naturedly  asked  : 
"Say,  kin  yer  tell  me  whar  them  pelican  birds  be- -them  thet 
kerry  thar  young  in  ther  bills  and  stand  all  day  on  one  foot." 

"The  birds  have  all  gone  to  the  natatorium  to  have  a  swim," 
suavely  replied  the  man  in  charge,  winking  aside. 

"Well,  by  gum  !  thet  is  awful  queer — they  be  the  only  cree- 
turs  down  yer  way  thet  take  to  water,  eh  ?" 

The  man  laughed  and  said:  "You  are  not  the  big  emerald 
stone  that  I  imagined  you  to  be.  Look  at  our  pomegranates, 
and  plant  some  on  your  farm.  They  are  the  original  fruit  from 
Persia,  the  land  where  Omar  Khayyam  lived,  wrote  and  drank 
wine.  Do  you  know  Khayyam  ?" 

"Well,  yer  guess  yer  boots,  I  do,  young  feller!  He  is  one  of 
them  konundrum  fellers  that  ther  women  folks  fine  societies 
ter  see  ef  they  can't  figger  out  what  he  is  writin'  about.  Yer 
see,  I  aint  sot  on  a  village  dry  goods  box  Saturdays  fur  nothin'. 
Say,  honest,  I  hev  one  thing  agin  you  Lousiana  boys  that  I 
can't  forgit  and  forgiv'  exactly." 

"  What  is  that,  pray  ?"  asked  the  man  whose  curiosity  was 
aroused. 

"  Yer  raise  cane  down  ther  !  " 

The  laugh  was  on  the  Louisiana  man,  and  he  admitted  the 
charge. 


PLAYING    A    PRACTICAL 


JOKE. 


96 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


LIKE    FLOCKS   OF   SHEEP. 


Man  is  a  gregarious  animal  and  naturally  inclines  to 
"  group."  The  success  of  the  Trust  idea  is  doubtless  due  to 
this  propensity;  for  a  Trust  is  merely  a  grouping  of  interests. 

The  barkers  on  the  Midway  knew  that  if  they  could  start  a 
few  to  purchase  tickets  and  enter,  the  rest  of  the  group  was 
most  likely  to  follow. 

Along  about  lunch  time  this  grouping  tendency  was  made 
very  apparent,  for  then  the  necessity  of  co-operation  became 
imperative. 

In  the  shadow  of  the  great  exhibition  buildings  the  little 
groups  assembled  to  partake  of  the  contents  of  the  lunch  bas- 
ket, which  had  been  industriously  lugged  about  all  the  morn- 
ing, and  the  lunch  became  a  magnet  in  the  center  of  each  little 
gathering.  So  strong  was  this  attraction  that  each  little  party, 
for  the  time  being,  was  perfectly  oblivious  to  the  presence 
of  its  neighbors  on  the  adjoining  benches.  These  lunch  parties 
well  repaid  study  ;  as  a  rule,  they  were  usually  made  up  of 
either  relatives  or  close  friends,  and  it  was  here  that  the  events 
of  the  morning  were  discussed  at  leisure  ;  where  experiences 
were  exchanged,  and  where  observations  were  compared. 

No  two  had  seen  alike,  and  lots  of  little  details  were  noticed 
by  one  and  missed  by  the  other. 

"Did  you  notice  the  fine  display  of  diamonds  at  the  Tiffany 
Exhibit?" 

"  No,  but  did  you  notice  the  bubble  in  the  big  cylinder  of  oil. 
at  the  Standard  Oil  Company's  pavilion  ?" 

"  Yes,  I  saw  it,  but  it  did  not  interest  me  much;  I  spent  most 
of  my  time  examining  the  wonderful  show  of  fruit  in  the  Cali- 
fornia Department.  Did  you  ever  see  such  big  peaches  ?  " 

It  was  just  such  a  group  as  this  that  encircled  a  beautifully 
wrought  model  of  an  ocean  steamer  enclosed  in  a  glass  case  in 
the  Exhibit  of  the  International  Navigation  Co.  As  the  party 
was  mostly  from  interior  Western  States  and  totally  unfamiliar 
with  anything  appertaining  to  the  salty  seas  these  models  of 
modern  ocean  steamers  proved  particularly  interesting. 


AROUND  THE   "PAN.' 


97 


1© 

"  EF  SHE  HED   A   WHISKEY-TIGHT   CAPTIN   THER   RIG'D   BE  COMPLETE." 


98 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


SHIPS    THAT   CROSS. 


"  Just  look  at  the  little  wheels  at  the  back  of  the  boat !  You 
wouldn't  think  they  could  push  a  big  boat  like  that  through  the 
water  !"  exclaimed  a  youthful  visitor  who  had  never  seen  any- 
thing larger  than  a  stern  wheeler  on  the  Missouri  River. 

Uncle  Hank  was  standing  by  when  this  remark  was  made, 
and  Yankee  like,  being  as  ready  to  impart  information  as  he 
was  to  solicit  it,  volunteered  the  infoimation  that  they  could 
not  only  push  it  through  the  water,  but  "Push  it  pretty  blame 
fast,  too." 

When  the  group  realized  that  he  was  something  of  an  expert 
on  things  aquatic  he  soon  had  the  close  attention  of  all  in  the 
vicinity. 

"  Ye  see  them  strips  'long  the  sides  of  ther  bottom  ?  Well,  ther 
what  they  calls  bilge  keels  ;  they  prevents  ther  rollin  ov  ther 
vessel,  an'  them  figgers  on  ther  bow  shows  how  deep  inter  ther 
water  she's  sunk  when  she's  got  her  load  aboard;  an'  them  trum- 
pet-like pipes  on  ther  deck  is  tew  git  fresh  air  down  below — 
she's  a  fine  boat,  she's  got  twin  screws  an'  water-tight  compart- 
ments, an'  ef  she  had  a  whiskey-tight  captin  ther  rig'd  be 
complete." 

At  this  sally  the  crowd  laughed  heartily. 

"  Ef  ye  take  interest  in  them  things  come  over  here  an'  look 
et  ther  beautiful  models  of  ther  Holland-Ameriky  line  an'  ther 
North  Germin  Lloyd  ships — et'l  show  ye  what  big  improvements 
they're  making  in  navigashun." 

And  the  whole  party  followed  him  to  hear  him  explain  what 
was  perfectly  new  to  them.  When  they  arrived  at  a  miniature 
fleet  of  the  White  Star  Line  he  explained  that  this  company 
had  just  launched  the  largest  ship  in  the  world,  and  in  this  con- 
nection remarked  that  "Ther  biggest  ship  thetcud  be  built  waz 
a  mighty  small  affair  when  ther  ole  O-shun  gits  riled  up — big 
as  they  air  they  gits  tossed  like  corks  when  ole  boreas  begins 
ter  roar." 

As  he  took  considerable  interest  in  nautical  affairs  he  took 


AROUND   THE 


99 


particular  pains  to  inform  his  hearers  in  regard  to  the  fine 
points  of  the  ships  on  exhibition,  to  the  evident  satisfaction  of 
his  hearers,  and  his  numerous  comments  soon  put  him  on  good 
terms  with  all  around  him. 

The  exhibition  of  locomotives  in  the  Transportation  Build- 
ing was  of  exceptional  excellence.  The  great,  massive  engines 
were  marvels  of  ingenuity  and  eloquently  told  of  man's  pro- 
gress in  civilization. 

Among  the  finest  in  the  Exposition  was  one  built  by  the 
Baldwin  Locomotive  Works,  of  Philadelphia.  It  was  combined 
with  the  Vanderbilt  Tender,  an  invention  by  young 
Cornelius  Vanderbilt,  and  strikingly  disproved  the 
theory  that  riches  destroyed  all  incentive  to  effort. 

Here  is  a  young  man  born  with  a  gold  spoon  in  his 
mouth  (not  a  Pan-American  souvenir  spoon  either, 
but  the  real  thing),  and  all  sorts  of  money  in  his 
possession  to  provide  him  with  fine  horses,  imported 
cigars,  champagne,  automobiles,  private  cars,  opera 
boxes,  exclusive  yachts,  and  an  army  of  servants, 
or  to  reach  the  height  of  the  country  boy's  glory — 
cigarettes  and  red  neckties.  And  yet  he  can  find  no 
better  use  for  his  time  than  Work. 

Truly  this  is  a  strange  world  and  its  ways  are 
past  finding  out. 

When  this  spirit  of  energy  is  properly  considered 
it  is  not  hard  to  account  for  American  supremacy. 
Contrast  it  with  the  methods  in  vogue,  for  instance, 
in  latin  countries.  There  the  young  man  of  fortune 
idles  away  his  time  in  vitality-sapping  amusements 
and  riotous  living,  and  when  the  nation  is  called 
upon  for  a  test  of  supreme  endurance  the  vaunted 
structure  is  crushed  like  an  empty  egg-shell. 

The  Brooke  Locomotive  Works  exhibit  some  fine 
combination  locomotives.  Uncle  Hank  surveyed 


INVENTOR   VANDERBILT. 


ioo  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

THE  IN-JINE-EKR.         the  lot  critically,  and  after  closely  inspecting  the  mons-ter,  "  six 
foot "  driving  wheels  and  other  appurtenances,  he  proceeded  to 
climb  into  the  cab  of  one  of  the  largest. 
As  he  did  so  he  remarked  :  "  This  be  a  fine  bit  ov  masheenery. 


"THERE  THE  YOUNG   MAN   OF   FORTUNE   IDLES   AWAY    HIS   TIME." 


Whew !  what  a  lot  ov  levers  an'  valves  ther  in-jine-eer  hez 
got  ter  work,  an  et  ther  same  time  keep  his  eye  peeled  on  ther 
track  ahead.  I  guess  I'll  git  up  in  his  seat  thar  an'  see  haovv  et 
feels  ter  hev  your  hand  on  the  lever  and  yer  eye  on  the  steam 
guage,  ther  air  brake  valve,  an*  ther  track  ahead;  watchin  fer 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  I0i 


"I  GUESS  I'LL  GIT  UP  IN  HIS  SEAT  THAR  AN  SEK  HAOW  ET  FEELS. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


THE   MAN   IN   THE   CAB. 


signals  ov  danger,  an'  goin  a  mile  aminnit  on  a  dark  night  flyin 
'round  curves.  Gee  whiz  ! 

"  What  a  heap  ov  responsibillness  is  on  ther  shoulder  ov  them 
in-jine-eers— I  guess  thet's  what  makes  em  round-shouldered. 
Ther  next  time  I  go  travlin  on  ther  rale-road  I'll  feel  grateful 
tew  ther  man  in  th'  cab  fer  his  vigilence  in  pullin  me  thru  in 
safety,  and,  by  ther  way,  I  guess  thet's  what  makes  them  rale- 
roads  charge  so  much  ter  ride  ther  people  tew  ther  Pan- 
Ameriky  Exposishun  this  year,  not  that  they  pay  their  men  any 
more  this  year  than  thay  did  last  year,  but  I  guess  thay've  jest 
realized  th'  responsibillness  ov  ther  job  th'  men  haz  an'  thay 
propose  ter  make  them  Pan-Ameriky  passengers  pay  fer  it. 

"Ther  man  in  the  cab  shud  git  all  ther  money  the  porter  gits 
in  tips  every  time  ther  train  pulls  into  the  depo  ;  fer  jes  suppose 
he  wazn't  vigilent,  and  'ther  train  got  recked  and  ther  porter 
got  killed  or  ther  passengers  in  ther  sleepin  car  berths  (at  $2.00 
a  berth  payable  before  the  accident)  got  smashed  up  an'  ther 
train  boy  got  throwed  off  and  broke  his  neck — well,  I  wouldn't 
want  ter  be  the  in-jine  eer." 

Uncle  Hank  now  concluded  that  he  would  see  what  else  the 
building  afforded  in  the  way  of  entertainment.  On  emerging 
from  the  locomotive  cab  he  noticed  a  distinguished-looking 
gentleman  of  kindly  mien.  He  was  rather  tall,  his  shapely  head 
was  covered  with  a  shiny  silk  hat,  his  features  clean-cut  and  his 
rather  large  nose  surmounted  with  gold-rimmed  glasses  and  his 
face  clean  shaven,  with  the  exception  of  closely  cropped  white 
side-whiskers.  He  was  closely  scrutinizing  the  locomotive  as 
Uncle  Hank  emerged. 

"  A  very  fine  piece  of  mechanism,"  he  remarked  in  a  cheery 
tone. 

"  One  of  ther  finest  I  ever  see.  Be  you  interested  in  injines  ?" 
our  hero  responded  interrogatively. 

"  Oh,  somewhat.  I  used  to  be  in  the  business,"  responded 
the  gentleman. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  103 


'WAI,,   SBNATOR,   I'M  OLAP  TO  I*A*«  Y»» 


io4  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

SENATOR  DEPEW  TELLS  "  Ye  don't  mean  an  in-jine-eer,  do  ye — no'  a  conductor  p'raps!' 

A  FUNNY  STORY.  and  Uncle  Hank  regarded  him  quizzically. 

"  Oh,  no  ;  I  used  to  be  a  railroad  President,"  and  the  gentle- 
man, with  a  smile,  politely  handed  him  a  card  with  the  following 
inscription. 


Chauncey  M.  Depew. 


"  Wai,  Senator,  I'm  glad  tew  make  yer  acquaintance.  I  hev  no 
card,  but  my  name's  Henry  Slocum  ov  Medford,  Mass.,  and  I 
reckon  ye  know  my  folks,  fer  they  air  big  stockholders  in  ther 
Boston  and  Albany  Raleroad,"  and  he  extended  his  hand  to  the 
Senator,  who  greeted  him  with  a  hearty  shake. 

"  I'm  very  well  acquainted  with  the  Slocum  family,  indeed,'' 
replied  the  Senator. 

"This  be  a  grate  Exposition,"  continued  Uncle  Hank  ;  "an' 
when  ther  visitors  return  to  hum  an1  tell  ther  naybors  what's 
tew  be  seen  here  ther  crowds  '11  be  tremanjous." 

"  Yes,  I  believe  every  returning  visitor  will  prove  a  good  ad  - 
vertisement  for  the  Pan-American  Exposition;  and  you  know  ad- 
vertising often  proves  very  effective.  By-the-way,  that  reminds 
me  of  a  good  story  of  advertising.  A  country  editor  once  upon 
a  time  printed  an  item  statingthat  the  man  who  was  hugging  the 
hired  girl  better  stop  or  his  name  would  be  published.  In  a  few 
days  twenty  citizens  paid  up  their  subscriptions  and  told  the 
editor  to  pay  no  attention  to  foolish  stories  going  around." 

The  Senator  told  this  story  in  such  an  unctuous  style  that 
the  countryman  was  convulsed  with  laughter. 

"  Wai,  I  swan,"  he  exclaimed,  "  thet's  the  best  story  I  ever 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


listened  ter ;  et  reminds  me  ov  a  story  ov  a  Noo  England  Edi- 
tor who's  wife  waz  bothered  with  tramps  callin  at  th'  door 
continually  askin'  fer  sumthin'  ter  eat,  an  she  soon  found  thet 
et  was  a  big  drain  on  her  larder. 

"  So  she  jest  laid  ther  matter  afore  her  husband,  an  he  sez, 
'  Wai,  when  tramp  printers  cum  ter  me  beggin,  I  allus  put  em 
tew  work  fust  an  make  em  earn  th'  money  afore  I  give  et  tew 
em  ;  so  we'll  jest  pile  a  lot  ov  cord  wood  in  th'  back  yard  an 
ther  nex  hungry  tramp  thet  cums  along  make  him  work  afore 
yew  give  him  anythin  ter  eat.  I'll  warrant  they  wont  bother 
yew  much  arter  thet.' 

"  So  she  got  a  pile  o'  wood  all  fixt  in  the  yard,  an  putty  soon 
along  cums  a  hungry  lookin  tramp. 

" '  Madam,'  sez  he,  '  wud  ye  kindly  giv  a  pore  hungry  man 
who  kant  git  no  work,  an  who's  had  nothin  tew  eat  for  a  week, 
wud  yer  be  so  kind  ez  tew  giv  me  a  bite  tew  eat  ?' 

"  So  th'  old  lady  rememberin  her  husband's  advice  sez : 
'  Wud  ye  saw  sum  wood  fer  sumthin  tew  eat  ?' 

"'  Madam,'  sez  the  tramp  in  a  most  reprovin  tone,  '  I  kant 
eat  wood !'  " 

"  That  is  an  exceedingly  good  story,  Uncle,"  remarked  the 
Senator,  laughing  heartily.  "  By  the  way,"  he  continued, 
"  speaking  of  work,  you  know  Philadelphia  has  the  reputation 
of  being  a  very  sleepy  city,  which  as  a  matter  of  fact  it  does 
not  deserve,  but  nevertheless  an  old  ticket  agent  of  our  road 
entertained  the  idea,  and  one  day  was  approached  by  an  old 
lady  with  a  request  for  transportation  to  the  city  of  brotherly 
love.  Said  she : 

" '  Mister,  can  I  take  a  sleeper  to  Philadelphia  ?'  '  Madame,' 
he  replied,  'there  are  too  many  sleepers  over  there 
now.' " 

"  By  Ginger  !"  exclaimed  Uncle  Hank  laughing.  "  Thet's  a 
good  one  on  Philadelphy,  an'  et's  ez  good  ez  any  I  ever 


UNCLE   HANK  TELLS 


io6 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


A   HAM  SOUVENIR. 


hearn.  Senator,  ye  desarve  yer  repootashun  fer  story-tellin." 
And  Uncle  Hank  was  still  laughing-  when  the  genial  Senator 
bid  him  adieu,  to  catch  his  train. 

The  greatness  that  would  make  us  crave 

Is  but  an  empty  thing. 
What  more  than  mirth  would  mortals  have  ? 

The  cheerful  man's  a  king.  BICKERSTAFF. 

Every  Pan-American  visitor  was  stricken  with  souvenir 
mania  the  moment  the  grounds  were  entered ;  and  the  exhibi- 
tors had  responded  quite  nobly  to  the  relief  of  the  complaint ; 
souvenirs  in  the  shape  of  handsome  lithographed  cards  were 
given  away  by  the  thousand,  one  representing  a  soap  box  in 
which  a  sample  of  soap  was  ingeniously  concealed  was  pre- 
sented to  every  visitor  to  one  of  the  SOAP  PAVILIONS. 

Another  design  showing  a  country  maid  standing  by  a  cow 
was  distributed  by  a  charmingly  pretty  girl  in  a  Maud  Muller 
costume  to  advertise  Nestle's  Milk.  Great  ingenuity  was  dis- 
played in  some  of  the  designs,  one  in  particular  was  an  imita- 
tion of  a  covered  ham,  advertising  DOLD'S  PACKING  HOUSE. 
Uncle  Hank  had  been  advised  to  secure  one  of  these  to  take 
home  as  a  souvenir.  So  he  accordingly  repaired  to  the  beauti- 
ful pavilion  of  the  Dold  Co.,  and  requested  "one  ov  them  sov- 
neer  hams,  please  ?"  The  young  man  in  attendance  pointed  to 
a  corner  of  the  enclosure,  and  told  him  that  he  might  help  him- 
self and  then  turned  his  back  to  resume  his  conversation  with  a 
young  lady.  On  the  counter  were  scattered  a  number  of  the 
lithographed  representations  of  a  ham  ;  directly  above  bung  a 
fine  ham  in  close  proximity  to  a  card  bearing  the  word 
"  Souvenirs." 

Uncle  Hank's  eye  was  taken  with  the  ham,  and  he  concluded 
it  was  the  last  souvenir  left.  In  a  moment  he  detached  it  from 
its  fastenings  and  deftly  slipped  his  umbrella  handle"  through 
the  slit  in  the  bag.  And  with  the  prize  over  his  shoulder 
proudly  marched  forth,  as  he  did  so  he  ejaculated  ; 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


107 


MIGHTY   LIBERAL  FOLKS   TEW   GIV   AWAY   HAMS  LIKE 
THESE  PER   SOVNEERS.' 


io8 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


MISTAKEN  LIBERALITY. 


"  Mighty  liberal  folks  tew  give  away  hams  like  these  fer  sov- 
neers,  but  I  spose  they  do  it  fer  advertisin.  Stonishin  what  et 
costs  fer  advertisin  nowdays  !  " 

He  had  gone  but  a  short  distance  when  his  soliloquy  was 
rudely  interrupted  by  a  grasp  on  the  arm. 

"Say!  where  are  you  going  with  that  ham?"  exclaimed  a 
young  man  at  his  elbow  whom  Uncle  Hank  immediately  recog- 
nized as  the  attendant. 

"  Why,  didn't  ye  just  give  it  ter  me  fer  a  sov-neer  ?  "  replied 
the  old  man  in  amazement. 

"  Naw,  we  don't  give  away  hams  for  souv-neers,  only  pictures 
of  em,"  and  quietly  relieved  him  of  his  burden  with  the  final 
retort : 

"  Well,  you're  the  limit  !  " 

However,  Uncle  Hank  was  not  so  far  wrong  in  regard  to  the 
limitations  of  advertising. 

So  fierce  was  the  competition  between  advertising  firms  at 
the  Exposition  that  extraordinary  methods  were  often  resorted 
to  in  the  matter  of  giving  away  advertising  souvenirs  ;  one  con- 
cern giving  away  a  stick  and  a  cake  of  shaving  soap  together 
with  a  number  of  expensively  made  puzzles  and  lithographed 
cards.  To  beat  this  a  competing  firm  would  have  to  throw  in  a 
razor  or  provide  a  barber. 

A  pleasant-faced,  motherly  sort  of  a  woman  was  "  doing  "  the 
Liberal  Arts  Building  in  the  most  approved  style.  It  was  quite 
evident,  judging  from  her  make-up,  that  she  was  from  a  locality 
remote  from  the  influences  of  city  life.  Her  kindly  face, 
however,  was  radiant  with  that  intelligence  that  marks  the 
born  American  woman,  the  true  mother  of  the  independent 
American  girl.  It  is  from  just  such  mothers  that  Presidents 
come;  in  fact,  the  sons  and  daughters  of  country  mothers 
•dominate  every  walk  of  life.  It  was  interesting  to  note  her 
self-reliant  way  of  "doing"  the  Exposition.  She  required  no 
guide  or  protector,  and  her  methods  were  worthy  of  emulation. 


AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 


109 


'IT   WAS   INTERESTING   TO   NOTE   HER  SELF-RELIANT  WAY   OF    'DOING*   THE   EXPOSITION.' 


AROUND  THE  "PAN. 


A  COUNTRY  WOMAN'S 


If  she  did  not  understand  the  mechanism  of  a  gas  stove  or  a 
washing  machine  she  straightway  requested  an  explanation 
from  the  attendant  in  charge,  and  she  always  departed  the 
wiser  for  her  inquisition,  and  never  did  she  sample  a  food 
preparation  without  learning  something  of  its  component 
qualities,  and  there  was  not  the  slightest  possibility  of  her  fail- 
ing to  profit  by  the  information  so  gained. 

She  stood  in  the  centre  of  an  aisle  dividing  the  principal 
booths  of  the  Manufacturer's  Building,  and  as  she  surveyed  the 
scene  she  remarked: 

"The  lot  ov  wimmen  hez  vastly  improved  sence  the  days 
when  I  waz  young.  Et's  a  grate  help  tew  wimmen  tew  hev 
self-raisin  flour,  an  steam  cooked  cereals,  an  ketchup,  an  canned 
goods  when  th'  vegetables  ez  out  ov  season;  an  taint  no  use 
talkin,  th'  washin  masheens  they  hev  nowdays  ez  wuth  more 
to  wimmen  than  th'  ballot  box'll  ever  be." 

And  her  intelligent  face  beamed  with  satisfaction  at  the 
thought. 

"Laborin'  man  an'  laborin'  woman 
Hev  one  glory  an'  one  shame, 
Ev'y  thin  thet's  done  inhuman 
Ingers  all  on  'em  the  same." 

The  barkers  for  the  Parisian  Beauty  show,  on  the  Midway, 
thought  that  Uncle  Hank  would  fall  an  easy  victim  and  rush  to 
buy  a  ticket.  He  stood  on  a  round  platform  outside  of  his  show 
and  had  a  woman  in  short  skirts  punching  a  bag.  He  leaned 
forward  and  said  confidentially:  "  We  have  the  finest  show  here, 
but  alas  !  'tis  said  we  are  too  sensational  and  the  authorities  have 
been  after  us.  Well,  we  have  toned  down  things  wonder- 
fully and  nothing  you  could  see  would  make  a  minister  blush." 

"  By  gum,  I've  got  my  opinion  purty  well  set  as  to  yer  show," 
chimed  in  Uncle  Hank. 

"  Oh,  Ruben,  you  have,  have  yer  ?  What  is  the  matter  with 
you  ?  "  said  the  barker. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


"  I  was  just  obsarvin  yer  towning  down  process  and  et  strikes 
me  purty  hard  that  from  the  looks  of  thet  er  gal  thar,  thet  you 
hed  toned  up  too  high." 

"  Say,  Ruben,  you  can  go  in  free."  When  he  came  out  he 
chuckled  : 

"  Wai,  the  tone  was  ez  I  expected,  too  high,  an"  I  aint  givin 
my  admirashun  to  gals  in  them  short  school  frocks." 

The  magnet  of  the  Midway  for  every  female  visitor  was  the 
Baby  Incubator  Show.  Here  were  shown  immature  babies  in 
glass-covered  incubators  in  every  stage  of  development,  and 
ladies  flocked  to  it  in  scores  to  examine  the  tiny  specimens  of 
humanity,  much  as  one  would  inspect  the  incubation  of  a  like 
number  of  chicks. 

It  did  not  take  Uncle  Hank  long  to  discover  this  attraction. 

'•Them babies  is  interestin  tew  look  at,"  he  observed,  "becos 
ye  can't  tell  what  they're  likely  tew  amount  tew  when  they 
grow  up.  How  dew  ye  know  but  what  this  chap  might  be  another 
Edison  er  a  Dewey,  an'  thet  girl  over  yonder  might  turn  out  ter 
be  another  Mary  Anderson  er  Susan  B.  Anthony  er  Carrie 
Nation  ;  an'  what  old-lookin  faces  they've  all  got,  full  ov 
wrinkles  jes  like  they  waz  75  years  old.  I  spose  when  they  grow 
a  bit  more  ther  winkles'll  disappear  and  then  it'll  take  75  years 
tew  bring  em  back. 

"  By  Jinks,  here's  three  ov  a  kind  !  "  he  exclaimed  as  his  atten- 
tion was  arrested  by  the  Cohen  Triplets  who  occupied  a  glass- 
covered  enclosure  in  the  most  conspicuous  part  of  the  exhibition. 

"  Naow  jest  think  of  ther  posserbilities  of  development  in  them 
triplets  with  the  name  Cohen.  They're  likely  ter  shine  in  ther 
diamond  bizness,  er  make  a  big  hit  in  ther  three  ball  game — 
pawnbrokin  ;  an'  jest  look  et  the  bristly  red  hair  on  thet  young- 
ster. He  looks  as  ef  he  wanted  tew  fight  the  rest  of  em.  I'll 
bet  he's  ov  good  fightin  stock,  fer  he  looks  like  Bob  Fitzsim- 
mons  with  his  bald  head  an"  fringe  of  red  hair." 

As  he  passed  from  the  building  he  encountered  the  venerable 


THE   BABY   HOT   HOU6E. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


A    FILIPINO   EXPERIENCE. 


barker  who,  in  stentorian  tones,  admonished  the  passers-by  not 
to  neglect  the  opportunity  to  see  the  little  "  suckers." 

The  majority  of  the  people  at  the  Fair  followed  the  same 
route,  from  the  entrance  straight  to  the  Midway.  Visitors 
might  not  have  time  to  get  around  to  their  State  Building  or  they 
might  possibly  have  missed  the  Stadium  or  the  Acetylene 
Building,  but  no  visitor  ever  failed  to  visit  the  Midway.  Its  at- 
mosphere was  so  unconventional,  and  then  the  conviction  that 
nobody  one  knows  would  be  met  with  had  a  tendency  to  throw 
off  restraint  and  indulge  in  license  that  would  not  be  thought  of 
in  any  other  place. 

It  was  this  feeling  that  caused  Uncle  Hank  to  wander  back 
to  the  attractive  side  shows  whenever  he  tired  of  the  big  build- 
ings. On  one  occasion  he  stood  irresolutely  before  the  Filipino 
Village  undecided  as  to  whether  or  not  it  was  advisable  for  him 
to  part  with  a  quarter  to  be  allowed  to  investigate  its  interior. 
At  the  entrance  there  was  a  stage  built  to  display  some  of  the 
attractions  for  the  purpose  of  advertisement.  On  this  stage 
was  an  exceedingly  interesting  group  consisting  of  a  Filipino 
mother  and  her  two  children.  As  Uncle  Hank  approached,  one 
of  the  children  held  out  its  hand  to  him.  It  represented  to  him 
so  very  forcibly  the  attitude  of  the  Filipinos  toward  Uncle  Sam 
that  his  heart  warmed  to  the  little  one  and  he  resolved  to  enter 
and  learn  more  of  the  people  of  his  country's  new  acquisition. 

As  he  entered  the  village  enclosure  he  surveyed  the  scene 
curiously.  A  group  of  Filipino  women  were  washing  clothes 
on  a  little  platform  at  the  edge  of  the  lake  that  occupied  the 
center  of  the  village.  They  first  dipped  the  clothes  in  the  water 
an  i  then  beat  them  with  a  short  stick,  and  they  were  a  merry 
lot,  singing  and  joking  over  their  work. 

The  habitations  of  the  natives  were  ranged  on  both  sides  of 
the  lake,  and  gave  a  very  fair  conception  of  a  Philippine 
Village. 

The  first  thing  to  catch  Uncle  Hank's  eye  was  the  Manila 


AROUND  THE  "PAN.1 


114 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


FILIPINO   METHODS. 


Rope  Walk.  Several  natives  were  busy  transforming  hemp 
into  rope  by  means  of  a  primitive  windlass.  He  watched  the 
operation  for  a  few  moments  and  then  expressed  his  contempt 
for  such  methods.  "Jes  wait  till  Yankee  Doodle  gits  a  whack 
et  ther  rope  twistin'.  Wait  till  ther  Trusts  git  ther  eyes  on  it  an' 
puts  em  out  ov  bizness." 

The  next  thing  to  engage  his  attention  were  the  wooden 
cannons  of  native  manufacture.  "Wai,  I  swan  !"  he  exclaimed, 
"ef  thet  don't  beat  anything  J  ever  see.  Et's  a  wonder  they 
don't  blow  their  heads  off  the  fust  time  they're  fired  off  " — and 
such  seemed  to  be  the  case,  as  they  were  merely  bamboo  tree 
sections  bound  with  strips  of  the  same  wood  to  give  added 
strength.  It  seemed  impossible  to  realize  that  they  were  not 
intended  for  playthings,  but  for  war.  The  muskets  on  exhibi- 
tion were  but  little  better;  being  constructed  of  pieces  of  gas  or 
steam  pipe— their  other  war  implements  were  somewhat  better, 
the  swords  and  knives  being  decorated  in  quaint  native  designs. 
"What  d'ye  call  them?"  inquired  Uncle  Hank  of  a  native 
holding  up  what  appeared  to  be  a  thin  piece  of  oyster  shell. 

"That  is  what  is  used  in  the  Philippine  Islands  for  window 
glass,"  replied  the  attendant. 

"Call  thet  glass,  dew  they?"  he  replied,  holding  it  up  to  the 
light  and  trying  to  see  through  the  opaque  shell. 

"Wai,  jest  wait  till  ther  Glass  Trust  gets  on  to  this — thet's 
another  opening  fer  American  industry." 

The  Filipino  maiden  is  a  flirt  beyond 
question  and  it  did  not  take  the  American 
youth  long  to  ascertain  that  fact,  and  as 
they  were  inveterate  cigarette  smokers 
the  offer  of  a  cigarette  was  sure  to  prove 
an  incentive  to  conversation,  and  as  they 
understood  English  fairly  well  the  youths 
got  along  very  well  indeed. 

This,   of   course,   created   considerable 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


"  UNCLE  HANK  WAS  DAZKJ  BY  TH»  LOGIC  OF  THIS  HOMB  THRUST. 


n6 


AROUND   THE   "PAN/ 


AN   ODE  TO   PHILOPENA. 


jealousy  on  the  part  of  the  Filipino  youths,  a^id  many  an  angry 
altercation,  with  the  usual  resultant  feminine  tears,  was  the 
result.  The  Filipino  Cupid  does  not  differ  materially  from  the 
Cupids  of  other  nationalities. 

Oh,  Filipino  Maiden,  young  and  fair 

Why  comb  your  dark  and  rather  matted  hair? 

We  knew  you  long  before  you  ever  came ; 

But  somehow  then  we  used  you  as  a  game: 

We  called  you  Philopena,  paying  gifts, 

And  many  lovers  had  their  merry  tifts; 

But  now  we  spell  you,  Filipino,  slow, 

And  bring  you  here  to  grace  a  nation's  show. 

So  thus,  you  see,  you  pay  your  gifts  at  last 

To  Uncle  Sam,  your  Philopena  fast. 

— HOMER  FORT. 


The  Filipino  maiden's  eyes  sparkle  with  coquettishness  when 
their  deftness  with  the  needle  or  proficiency  in  embroidery  is 
noticed.  They  are  small  in  stature  and  marry  very  young  so 
that  one  would  hardly  suppose  the  girlish  little  wives  are  the 
mothers  of  the  babies  they  carry  in  their  arms. 

The  men  are  equally  small  in  proportion  and  resemble  the 
Chinese  type  to  a  marked  extent,  as  a  rule  they  are  bright  and 
well  informed,  as  Uncle  Hank  discovered  in  conversing  with  one. 

"I  reckon  you  Fillypinos  "11  prosper  now  under  Uncle  Sam's 
gov'nment." 

"  Fil-pino  prospare  !  ha,  ha  ?  "  replied  the  native. 

"  Uncle  Sam  sends  sleek  politician  like  Dick  Crokair  an'  Matt 
Kway — he  skin  him  Filipino,  send  big  trust  he  chocke  him  Fili- 
pino— send  Noo  YorkaPolice-a-man  tip  off  cock  fight,  bull  fight, 
rob  him  !  Filipino  prospare — ? — ha,  ha,  ha  !  " 

Uncle  Hank  was  dazed  by  the  logic  of  this  home  thrust,  but 
soon  recovered  his  wonted  assurance. 

"Wai,"  he  retorted,  "with  all  thetet  won't  be  ez  bad  ez  them 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


117 


Spanish  Dagoes  treated  ye,  jes  put  yer  trust  in  the  United 
States  an' — " 

"  The  United  States  will  put  the  trusts  in  the  Phil-pines  !  "  re- 
torted the  unabashed  Filipino  with  a  sneer. 

The  old  man  soon  saw  he  had  an  incorrigible  case  to  deal  with 
and  made  no  further  effort  to  convert  the  native  to  the  dogma 
of  the  superiority  of  Uncle  Sam's  benign  system  of  government. 

For  forms  of  government  let  fools  contest, 
Whate'er  is  best  administer'd  is  best.— POPE. 

He  now  concluded  he  had  had  excitement  enough  for  one 
day,  and  as  he  passed  out  through  the  exit  gate,  soliloquized : 
"What  a  powerful  sight  ye  laru  et  these  exherbishuns." 


FILIPINO  LOGIC. 


The  chariot  race  in  "  Ben  Hur  "  has  attracted  much  attention 
and  deservedly  so,  for  it  is  a  graphic  bit  of  description.  Uncle 
Hank  never  for  a  moment  imagined  that  he  would  ever  engage 
in  anything  but  a  foot  race  and  least  of  all  that  he  should  be 
matched  against  a  Dago  gondolier.  Fate  had  played  fantastic 
tricks  with  the  rugged  Down  East  Yankee  since  he  first  arrived 
at  Buffalo  and  yet  he  was  found  equal  to  any  emergency. 

He  smiled  at  every  quip  or  jest ; 

At  ev'ry  joke  or  sparkling  pun ; 
And  then  he  did  his  level  best 

To  have  his  share  of  wholesome  fun. 

Somehow  the  gondolas  attracted  him  and  often  he  would  en- 
gage in  running  conversation  with  the  men  propelling  the 
strange-looking  craft.  "  Easy  work,  my  boy,  aint  it  ?"  he  asked 
one.  "Not  on  your  life,  old  Ruben  !"  was  the  soft  answer  of 
the  American  Italian,  who  did  not  relish  the  job.  In  order  to 


n8 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


A   HOT   RACE   ON   THE 


prove  that  it  was  easy  Uncle  Hank  hailed  the  next  gondola  that 
came  along  and  said  : 

"  Jist  take  me  round  this  yer  creek,  won't  yer,  Mister  Eyetal- 
ian?  I  am  goin'  ter  see  th'  hull  show." 

The  man  working  the  one  oar  was  an  Irishman  and  he 
readily  consented  for  Uncle  Hank  to  play  the  picturesque  gon- 
dolier, while  he  rested  and  gave  the  "  hayseed,"  as  he  called 
him,  a  chance  to  perspire. 

"  This  be  play  an  nothin'  more,"  said  the  Yankee  as  he  pro- 
pelled the  boat  along  in  an  awkward  way.  It  took  some  min- 
utes to  get  the  swing  and  then  the  gondola  went  along  smoothy. 
Many  visitors  saw  him  and  jumped  to  the  conclusion  that  he 
was  part  of  the  Exposition,  and  atiovel  part  at  that.  The  other 
gondoliers  that  came  along  and  passed,  laughed  derisively,  and 
made  all  kinds  of  attempts  to  guy  and  disconcert  him.  One 
cried:  "  Say,  old  man,  your  paddle  is  getting  wet." 

"  Thet's  all  right ;  I  aint  gittin  in  ther  briny  deep  yit.  But 
I'm  gettin  along  komfootabull,  yer  can  wager." 

This  last  word  "  wager  "  inspired  a  Dago,  who  was  pushing  a 
gondola  not  far  behind  Uncle  Hank's.  The  Dago  gave  a  few 
vigorous  strokes  of  his  oar.  and  was  soon  alongside  of  the 
Yankee. 

"  I  betta  two  dolla,"  he  cried,  "  that  I  beata  to  the  lak  ;  taka 
my  betta  ? " 

"  Say,  yer  mean  tew  bet  me  two  dollars  thet  you  can  beat  me, 
Mister  Eyetalian  ?  I'll  go  yer  an'  I'll  show  yer  thet  I  am  some 
pumpkins." 

"  Say,  Uncle,  you  will  lose,"  said  the  resting  gondolier  on  the 
Yankee's  boat. 

"  Not  much,  nuther,  I  ain't  hoed  korn,  rolled  logs,  gathered 
taters,  not  tew  be  strong  in  my  arms  ;  thet  Eyetalian  will  hev 
ther  race  uv  his  life." 

"  You  betta  two  doll,  yes  ? "  eagerly  asked  the  Dago  oarsman, 
with  anxiety  depicted  on  his  countenance. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


119 


•'  Uff  course  :  I  ain't  backin'  out.  Jist  let  her  go,"  exclaimed 
Uncle  Hank  as  they  both  started  about  even. 

It  got  noised  about  that  a  gondola  race  was  in  progress  on 
the  canal,  and  people  hurried  to  see  it.  A  rumor  went  around 
that  a  large  sum  was  wagered  between  an  Italian  oarsman  and 
an  American.  Hundreds  lined  the  banks  of  the  canal  and 
looked  on  at  the  queer  spectacle. 

"Gooda  bye,"  merrily  sang  out  the  Dago  as  he  made  a  few 
vigorous  strokes  and  went  slightly  ahead  of  Uncle  Hank. 

"Ther  partin'  time  ain't  cum  yit,"  said  the  farmer  as  he 
leaned  forward,  planted  his  feet  firmly  and  began  to  push  the 
long  oar  in  a  way  that  made  the  gondola  tremble  as  it  shot 
rapidly  through  the  water.  People  on  the  back  waved  hats 
and  handkerchiefs  and  yelled  :  "Go  it,  Uncle  Rube  ;  you  will 
catch  up  next  Christmas." 

The  Dago,  who  was  anxious  to  win  two  dollars,  thought  he 
would  leave  the  farmer  in  a  minute  and  have  sport  with  him. 
His  astonishment  was  great  to  find  that  he  did  not  gain  much 
on  the  rural  gondolier.  Bending  down  to  work,  the  Dago  put 
forth  his  strongest  efforts,  making  his  long  oar  fairly  split  the 
water.  This  spurt  put  him  nearly  two  lengths  ahead  and 
encouraged  him  to  believe  that  the  Yankee  was  not  in  the  race 
at  all.  Visions  of  what  he  would  do  with  the  two  dollars,  per- 
haps, rilled  him  with  joy,  for  he  called  back  : 

"  Say,  betta  fore  doll ;  just  lika  picka  de  mon  up  !  " 
."I'll  be  thar  when  you  get  thar,  Mr.  Eyetalian  ;  I  ain't  got 
warmed  up  yit.     Yer  jist  wait,  an'  when  I  git  ther  hang  o'  this 
craft  I'll  say  sum  things  ter  show  you  I'm  travelin'." 

A  man  on  the  bank  shouted :  "  Pull  out  your  whiskers,  Uncle, 
and  then  you  will  win.  They  catch  too  much  wind." 

They  were  cheered  to  the  echo  as  they  spun  through  the 
water,  Uncle  Hank  seemingly  not  making  much  effort  and 
the  Dago  working  for  dear  life.  But,  work  as  he  might,  he 
could  not  get  further  away  than  two  lengths,  and  it  puzzled 


YANKEE   VS.    DAGO. 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


AN   EXCITING   RACE. 


and  excited  him.  He  began  to  perspire  freely  and  to  use 
strange  Italian  words.  Then  he  would  talk  in  broken  English: 
"  Whata  the  matta?  The  Mericana  pusha  the  gondola  like 
housa  fire  !  " 

To  the  utter  amazement  of  the  many  onlookers,  Uncle  Hank 
began  slowly  to  gain,  his  long,  regular  strokes  telling  against 
the  quicker  and  more  excited  work  of  his  foreign  antagonist. 
Cheers  greeted  him  from  many  hundred  people  as  he  began 
nearing  the  Dago's  gondolier,  and  one  woman  leaned  over, 
waved  a  scarf  and  shouted  : 

"  Hurrah,  for  Uncle  Hayseed  !  Don't  stay  behind  !  Put  life 
and  vigor  into  your  work  !  " 

"  I  ain't  dun  enny  work  yit,  young  woman  !"  shouted  the  cool 
Yankee.  "  I  ain't  buckled  down  to  it  yit  ez  I  should,  an'  when 
I  do  this  yer  oar  will  break  or  I'll  git  by  thet  Eyetalian." 

The  Irish  gondolier  was  amused  and  surprised  by  the  man 
who  had  taken  his  place,  and  he  frankly  added  : 

"Say,  if  you  win,  old  man,  don't  I  get  a  dollar  of  your  two 
dollars  ?" 

"  Yer  do,  ef  yer  will  pay  a  dollar  ef  I  lose  the  race."  The 
Irishman  would  not  agree  because  he  was  not  sure  that  Uncle 
Hank  would  win.  He  saw  that  the  Yankee  was  gaining,  but 
that  did  not  necessarily  mean  victory. 

Uncle  Hank  grew  a  little  red  in  the  face  as  he  shouted  to 
the  Dago:  "Git  out  o'  my  way  thar  ;  for  I'm  cummin.  I'm 
log  rollin'  now,  an'  this  is  a  heavy  lift.  Pushin'  for  all  I  am 
wurth.  Stiddy,  an'  a  long,  hard 
push.  No  boy  in  this  yer  regions 
kin  pull  yer  Uncle  Hank  down.  We 
be  movin!" 

The  gondola  propelled  by  the 
sturdy  Yankee  plunged  through  the 
water  like  a  large  fish  cutting  its 
way  to  the  deep  ocean.  It  neared 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.1 


"GIT   OUT   O*   MY   WAY   THAR  J   FOR   I'M   CUMMIN,' 


AROUND   THE    "PAN. 


HER   FROWSY   HEAD   WAS   DONE   U|>   JN    A   1<AROE   BANDANNA, 


AROUND   THE    "PAN."  123 

the  Dago's  ;  it  dashed  a  little  spray  of  water  on  it,  and  it  slowly         A  WAGER. 
moved  by  as  a  swift  trotting  horse  passes  a  hackway.     Shouts 
and  yells  greeted  the  ears  of  the   rowers,   and  Uncle   Hank 
cried  out  to  his  rival : 

"  Good-bye,  Eyetalian  !  I'll  hitch  an*  wait  fur  yer  when  I 
git  thar,  and  we  will  hev  mackerony  together  and  hev  no  hard 
feelin's." 

The  Dago  was  perspiring  profusely  and  very  much  excited. 
He  made  a  few  feeble  attempts  to  spurt,  but  he  was  out  of 
wind  and  could  only  ejaculate  :  "  Da  mon  gone  !  Two  dolla 
lost  !" 

Uncle  Hank  kept  the  lead  and  was  cheered  by  hundreds  as 
he  won  by  nearly  ten  lengths  of  his  gondola.  He  never 
indulged  in  a  chant  of  victory,  but,  gazing  at  his  defeated  and  ^ 
beaten  rival,  he  said  :  "Ther  mussell  made  in  ther  fields  a-hoe- 
ing  korn  an'liftin'  logs  ain't  goin'  tew  leave  yer  soon.  Roastin' 
peanuts  ain't  makin'  bone  and  mussell.  Yer  hev  no  great 
strength  to  race  agin  yer  Uncle  Hank." 

An  immense  crowd  congratulated  Uncle  Hank,  and  said  the 
freedom  of  the  Exposition  should  be  given  to  him.  One  man, 
however,  who,  like  many  others,  jump  to  wrong  conclusions, 
remarked  :  "  It  was  a  great  race  and  well  won  by  the  Yankee, 
but  do  you  people  believe  for  an  instant  that  the  Down  Easter 
is  genuine  ?  He  is  just  a  part  of  the  show — a  man  hired  to 
go  around  and  impersonate  a  country  hayseed."  The  smart 
Aleck,  however,  was  not  believed,  for  the  crowd  knew  that 
Uncle  Hank  was  just  exactly  what  he  looked  to  be — a  shrewd 
backwoods  farmer  who  knew  more  than  many  imagined. 

While  he  was  in  the  Midway  he  bethought  himself  of  the    , 
advisability  of  taking  in  some  of  the  shows  he  had  overlooked 
on  his  last  visit.     With  this  end  in  view  he  entered  the  "Old 
Southern  Plantation,"  and  in   a   short  time  was  on  familiar 
terms  with  the  old  darkies. 

In  front  of  the  log  cabin  in  which  Lincoln  was  born  stood 


i24  AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


~^UUuUUUUUUUUUUaUUUUUUULIUUUUUUUUUUUUuUUUUUUUuUUUl-iUUUUUQ 


SUE   BELONGED  TO  THB  HIGHEST  SOCIETY. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  125 

an  old,  "befo'-the-wah"  mammy  industriously  working  an  old- 
time  spinning  wheel.  Her  frowsy  head  was  done  up  in  a  large 
bandanna,  and  periodically  she  emitted  large  whiffs  of  tobacco 
smoke  from  a  long-stemmed  corn-cob  pipe  which  she  firmly 
held  between  her  thick  lips.  Surrounding  her  were  several 
white  "wooled"  counterparts  of  Uncle  Tom,  and,  to  make  the 
picture  more  complete,  there  were  a  half  a  dozen  or  so  of  little 
pickaninnies  playing  about. 

The  atmosphere  was  truly  Southern  and  gave  a  very  good 
idea  of  plantation  life  as  it  existed  in  ante-bellum  days. 

"'Pears  ter  me,"  he  muttered  to  himself,  "them  darkies  is 
good-natured  and  peaceful  like ;  they  don't  look  ez  ef  they 
needed  Lynch  Law  keep  'em  straight,  an'  I  reckon  ef  ther 
people  down  South  didn't  break  ther  law  by  lynchin',  th'  blacks 
would  hev  more  'spect  fer  ther  law,  too. 

Oh,  Freedom  !  thou  art  not,  as  poets  dream, 
A  fair  young  girl,  with  light  and  delicate  limbs, 
And  wavy  tresses  gushing  from  the  cap 
With  which  the  Roman  master  crowned  the  slave 
When  he  took  off  the  gyves. 

— WILLIAM  CULLEN  BR\ANT. 

It  is  generally  conceded  that  woman  has  made  giant  strides 
in  the  last  decade,  but  it  has  been  left  to  the  Pan-American 
Exposition  to  illustrate  that  fact. 

On  the  Midway  there  paraded  a  colossal  figure  of  an  up-to- 
date  maiden  with  a  graceful  figure,  gowned  in  the  most 
approved  Parisian  fashion.  Her  tall,  ten-foot  figure  attracted 
considerable  attention;  which  was  partly  due  to  her  graceful 
bearing  and  to  the  very  evident  fact  that  she  belonged  to  the 
highest  society  (ten  feet).  Her  mission  on  the  Midway  was  to 


WAY   DOWN   IN   DIXIE. 


126 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


^MIDWAY  ATTRACTIONS.  advertise  the  exceptional  attractions  of  "Dawson  City,"  which 
she  did  in  a  most  thorough  manner,  as  she  was  constantly  fol- 
lowed by  admiring-  crowds,  which  she  invariably  led  to  the 
entrance  of  the  aforesaid  show,  somewhat  after  the  manner  of 
the  Pied  Piper  of  Hamelin. 

The  lady  in  question  was  constructed  of  wicker  work  sur- 
mounted with  a  life-like  wax  head,  and  in  the  interior  of  the 
figure  a  man  was  so  cleverly  concealed  that  quite  an  artistic 
semblance  of  a  stylish  young  lady  was  presented. 

Some  very  original  conceptions  were  used  to  advertise  the 
Midway  attractions.  In  the  corridor  of  The  Panopticon  a 
number  of  distorting  mirrors  were  placed,  which  usually  at- 
tracted crowds  of  curious  people  bent  upon  seeing  themselves 
caricatured. 

"  The  foolish  man  often  laughs  when  there  is  nothing  to  laugh  at. 
Whatever  touches  him,  his  inner  nature  comes  to  the  faurface." 

— GOETHE. 

These  mirrors  were  so  placed  as  to  attract  the  attention  of 
the  curiously  inclined,  and  afforded  excellent  opportunities  to 
see  oneself  as  others  do  not  see. 

A  very  fat  man  who  labored  with  a  weight  of  flesh  approxi- 
mating three  hundred  pounds,  and  who  had  vainly  longed  for 
the  day  when,  by  the  use  of  Anti-Fat  concoctions,  he  might 
scale  down  one  hundred  pounds  or  so,  caught  sight  of  one  of 
these  mirrors.  He  stood  before  the  one  so  convexed  that  it 
considerably  thinned  and  lengthened  his  figure. 

"Well,  now!"  he  exclaimed,  on  beholding  this  pleasing  ren- 
dition of  his  very  rotund  figure,  "that's  the.  way  I'd  like  to 
look  ;  nothing  the  matter  with  that.  Oh  that  this  too  solid 
flesh  would  melt,"  and  with  a  grunt  of  satisfaction  he  moved  off. 

This  was  not  the  usual  experience,  however,  as  some  of  the 
distorted  images  produced  by  the  mirrors  were  ludicrous  in 
the  extreme. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


127 


WELL,  NOW!  THAT'S  THE  WAY  I'D  UKK  TO  LOOK. 


128 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


WAITERS  THAT  MAKE  Alt  Nurnburg  was  usually  the  Mecca  of  the  hungry  habitues 

YOU  WAIT.  of  the  Midway.     Imported  frankfurters,  sauerkraut,  patrician 

Rhein  wines,  as  well  as  plebeian  lager  beer,  in  fact,  everything 
in  the  German  food  and  drink  line,  were  to  be  obtained  here, 
if  you  had  patience  in  abundance;  for  it  is  a  peculiarity  of  Ger- 
man waiters  to  make  you  wait.  The  hungrier  you  are  the 
longer  they  make  you  wait. 

"  Hunger  is  the  mother  of  impatience  and  anger." 
— ZIMMERMAN. 

Many  angry  altercations  have  taken  place 
in  consequence  of  this  dilatory  habit  on  the 
part  of  the  phlegmatic  German  waiters. 

"  Waiter  !"  exclaimed  an  irate  patron. 
"  Where's  that  steak  I  ordered  an  hour  ago  ?" 

"  It's  on  the  fire,  sir." 

"  I  say,  waiter  !"  another  would  cry  out. 
"  where's  that  champagne  ?" 

"  It's  on  the  ice,  sir." 

And  so  it  would  go  from  one  table  to  an- 
other, the  seme  cry  of  hungry  impatience. 
As  one  highly  indignant  patron  remarked  : 
"  The  diners  were  the  waiters  in  a  German 
restaurant." 

During  a  performance  at  Bostock's,  the 
famous  menagerie  on  the  Midway,  a  clown 
was  putting  a  baby  elephant  through  a  num- 
ber of  difficult  tricks,  and  now  and  then  the 
quadruped  rebelled.  It  happened  that  Sen- 
ator T.  C.  Platt,  the  head  man,  "boss"  and 
leader  of  the  Republican  party  in  New  York 
State,  was  present  with  a  number  of  promi- 
nent Republicans  and  friends.  Uncle  Hank 
saw  the  "  boss  "  and  thought  he  would  ask 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


129 


IT'S  CHILD'S  PLAY  TO  HANDLING  GROWN-UP  ELEPHANTS. 

I'VE  HAD   YEARS   OF   EXPERIENCE." 


130 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


A    VAST    DIFFERENCE    BK- 


TWKEN    ELEPHANTS. 


him  about  elephants,  and  especially  the  one  performing  in  the 
arena. 

"  What  do  yer  think  uf  elephants,  Senator  ?  I  hev  heard 
tell  that  ye  know  something  about  ther  creeturs." 

The  Tioga  statesman  smiled  as  he  replied  :  "That  clown  has 
an  easy  job  putting  that  baby  elephant  through  his  paces,  but 
it  is  child's  play  compared  to  handling  a  grown-up  elephant. 
I  have  had  years  of  experience." 

Uncle  Hank  wanted  the  Senator  to  get  Bostock  to  let  him 
handle  a  grown-up  elephant,  but  the  owner  said  the  G.  O.  P. 
elephant  was  too  large  to  enter  the  arena.  "  Wai,  wal,"  ex- 
claimed the  Down  Easter,  "  I've  hurd  thet  the  G.  O.  P.  ele- 
phant had  broken  some  planks  an'  smashed  up  a  few  platforms, 
but  I  never  hurd  that  he  had  busted  ther  arena.  I  guess  thet 
the  elephant  ez  bigger  then  Jumbo  and  ez  the  hull  show  his- 
self." 

Some  one  informed  Uncle  Hank  that  the  G.  O.  P.  elephant 
was  merely  a  figurative  animal.  "  I  guess  he  must  cut  a  purty 
figger,  then,  when  he  falls  down,"  mused  the  Yankee.  "  Sen- 
ator Platt  must  be  a  purty  strong  man  tew  handle  such  a  big 
elefant,  I'm  thinkin'  !" 

Why,  man,  he  doth  bestride  the  narrow  world 
Like  a  Colossus,  and  we  petty  men 
Walk  under  his  huge  legs  and  peep  about 
To  find  ourselves  dishonourable  graves. 

— SHAKESPEARE. 

The  Japanese  do  not  look  upon  the  Chinese  with  a  kindly 
eye.  A  Chinaman  happened  to  stop  in  front  of  "  Fair  Japan," 
where  a  Jap  was  banging  a  gong  for  dear  life  to  attract  the 
crowd  to  the  Japanese  tea  gardens.  The  almond-eyed  Celes- 
tial attracted  the  eye  of  the  Japanese,  who  accosted  him  in  a 
bantering  sort  of  way.  . 

"Hello,  John,  how  you  like  the  Jap-Pan-American  ?" 


AROUND   THE   "PAN, 


'WHERE'S  THAT  STEAK  I  ORDERED  AN  HOUR  AGO?" 


132 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


CLASHES    BETWKEN 


NATIONALITIES. 


"Jap  no  goodee  ;  Pan-Melican  all  lite  !"  retorted  the  China- 
man as  he  pigeon-toed  off.  Clashes  between  nationalities  were 
of  frequent  occurrence  on  the  Midway,  where  the  different 
types  so  often  intermingled.  A  son  of  Erin  was  attacked  by  a 
severe  thirst  one  morning,  and,  casting  his  eye  about  for  some- 
thing to  alleviate  it,  spied  a  soda  water  stand  with  a  large  jar 
of  high-colored  orangeade  placed  conspicuously  upon  the  coun- 
ter. He  paused  a  while  to  make  up  his  mind,  and  then,  ap- 
parently foregoing  his  intention  of  buying  himself  a  drink, 
declared,  in  unmeasured  terms  : 

"Olwant  a  dhrink.  fur  OI'm  divilish  dhry;  but  OI'll  die 
wid  thirst  before  OI'll  dhrink  thot  A.  P.  A.  colored  sthuff!" 
and  he  walked  indignantly  away  in  search  of  a  more  con- 
genially-colored liquid  to  quench  his  thirst. 

Geronimo,  the  famous  Indian  chief,  was  the  star  attraction 
at  the  Indian  Congress.  This  doughty  old  warrior  of  infamous 
memory  was  a  precious  scoundrel  in  his  day,  and  only  escaped 
death  by  execution  for  his  misdeeds  through  the  magnanimity 
of  Gen.  Nelson  A.  Miles.  So  when  the  brilliantly-uniformed 
General  made  his  appearance  in  the  Indian  Village  it  was  only 
natural  that  the  old  chief  should  greet  him  effusively.  As  the 
two  warriors  approached  one  another  they  presented  a  pic- 
turesque contrast.  They  were  both  in  full  war  paint,  or  in  full 
uniform,  as  you  are  pleased  to  view  it.  In  point  of  manhood, 
however,  the  advantage  was  decidedly  in  favor  of  the  soldier. 

The  one  showed  in  face  and  manner  all  the  characteristics  of 
his  race  ;  the  cunning,  malicious  and  treacherous  look  of  the 
savage  ;  and  the  other,  the  open,  frank  and  magnanimous  mien 
of  a  courageous  and  intrepid  soldier. 

"  Chief,"  exclaimed  the  General,  "  this  being  a  hero  at  the 
Pan-American  is  better  than  war.  You  know,  our  big  chief, 
General  Sherman,  said  :  '  War  was  hell.'  " 

"  Yes,  that  so  ;  hell  with  canned  beef,  ugh  !"  grunted  the 
Indian  in  assent. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


"HELLO,    JOHN,    HOW   YOU   LIKE   THE   JAP- PAN-AMERICAN  ?" 


134 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


•  THIS   BEING   A    HERO   AT   THE    '  PAN-AMERICAN      IS   BETTER   THAN   WAR. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  135 

"Well,  we're  at  peace  now  and  have  no  embalmed  beef  to 
bother  us,"  replied  the  General  sententiously,  "  but  you  red- 
skins had  better  behave  yourselves  out  on  the  plains,  as  we 
never  lose  sight  of  our  motto:  '  In  time  of  peace  prepare  for 
war.'" 

"Ugh!     White  man  always  war,"  retorted  the  redskin. 

The  General  scratched  his  head  at  this  fling. 

"Our  people  prefer  to  live  in  harmony  with  all  the  world 
and  make  our  conquests  on  other  lines  than  gory  fields  of 
battle."  And  the  General  drew  himself  up  with  dignity. 

"  Big  Chiefs  fight  in  big  wigwam  now,"  pursued  the  Indian. 

"  Well,  our  war  chiefs  do  seem  to  be  doing  quite  a  lot  of 
fighting  in  time  of  peace." 

The  old  Indian  seemed  to  relish  this  fling  at  the  Samp- 
son-Schley  row  at  Washington,  for  his  blear  eyes  blinked 
humorously  at  the  allusion. 

"  Big  chiefs  fight  over  scalps,  ugh  ;  Indian  no  take  scalps 
from  Chief!"  replied  the  savage  as  a  parting  shot. 

"  The  Chief's  got  good  horse  sense,"  remarked  the  General 
as  he  resumsd  his  tour. 

General  Miles  was  a  fine  target  for  the  "  snap-shot  fiends." 

Attired  in  his  beautiful  uniform,  his  fine  figure  and  martial 
bearing  showed  to  the  very  best  advantage  in  "snap  shots," 
and  it  was  very  amusing  to  see  the  avidity  with  which  they 
pursued  their  prey  The  .nerve  of  the  camera  crank  has  been 
long  known.  Nothing  is  sacred  to  him;  he  takes  everything  in 
sight;  in  fact,  is  a  confirmed  optical  kleptomaniac  as  a  rule. 

"  I'll  example  you  with  thievery  ; 
The  sun'sa  thief,  and  with  his  great  attraction 
Robs  the  vast  sea ;  the  moon's  an  arrant  thief, 
And  her  pale  face  she  snatches  from  the  sun." 

— SHAKICSPEARE. 

A  patriarchal  Indian  is  Red  Cloud,  of  the  Six  Nations,  who, 


RED   AND   WHITE. 


'36 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


IT   WAS   VERY    AMUSING    TO   SEE   THE   AVIDITY    WI I  11    WHICH 
THKY    PURSUED   THEIR    PREY." 

held  court  like  a  reigning  monarch  in  a  cabin  that  was  fanci- 
fully arranged  with  blankets,  feathered  headgear,  moccasins 
embroidered  with  bead  work,  and  various  other  Indian  accoutre- 
ments. He  was  very  popular  with  Young  America,  who  saw 
in  him  their  ideal  Indian  warrior,  arrayed  as  he  was  in  his 
picturesque  headgear.  The  old  warrior  does  not  look  his  age, 


AROUND  THE  "PAN.' 


137 


although  he  has  seen  eighty-four  years,  is  still  tall,  erect  and 
very  active.  Several  times  he  left  the  Exposition  grounds 
and  sought  the  busy  haunts  of  Buffalo,  where  stimulants  are 
cheap  and  exceedingly  heady.  It  was  recorded  in  the  daily 
papers  that  four  times  Red  Cloud  had  gazed  upon  the  red  gob- 
let and  rendered  himself  hors  de  combat.  He  was  carried  to 
his  tribe  by  kind  friends,  who  endeavored  to  get  him  to  sign 
the  pledge  and  wear  the  blue  ribbon.  He  was  willing  to  wear 
the  blue  blanket;  also  a  piece  of  ribbon,  but  he  did  not  care  to 
sign  a  pledge  which  meant  a  decided  curtailment  in  his  bever- 
age. This  venerable  and  fine-looking  specimen  of  the  Red  Men 
attracted  much  attention,  and  our  Uncle  Hank  ran  up  against 
him.  At  first,  Uncle  Hank  regretted  he  could  not  talk  Choc- 
taw  or  some  kind  of  lingo,  and  he  hesitated  to  begin  a  conver- 
sation with  one  he  thought  might  hurl  back  language  perfectly 
unintelligible,  but  more  or  less  musical  in  a  guttural,  hurdy- 
gurdy  way. 

"Do  yer  know,  Meester  Red  Cloud,  thet  I've  hearn  tell  o' yer 
before,"  began  the  Yankee,  "  an'  ther  is  many  thet  envy  yer 
capacity,  an'  yer  stayin'  power.  Now,  jist  a  leetle  sider  jooce 
hez  oftun  made  me  talk  in  a  blue  streak,  an'  also  made  my  nay- 
burs  talk  fur  weeks.  Ef  I  should  tackle  jooce  a  leetle  stronger 
than  sider  an'  should  try  tew  git  into  my  naybur's  barn  fur  my 
own  house,  I  guess  yer  Uncle  Hank  would  hev  to  ther  leave 
thet  nayburhood  or  hev  myself  sent  tew  some  insane  asighlum. 
But  now  yew  Injuns  never  criticize,  an'  thet  is  a  real  blessin' 
for  the  nobull  chiefs  who  are  sot  in  ther  ways." 

Red  Cloud  straightened  up  and  nearly  took  Uncle  Hank  off 
his  feet  by  answering  in  good  English : 

"  What  do  you  take  me  for  ?  A  phonograph  or  a  sounding- 
board  ?  Speak  straight  English  and  I  may  understand  you.  I 
cannot  talk  your  dialect." 

"  Thet  is  one  on  yer  Uncle,  Reddy,"  said  the  Yankee,  some- 
what confused;  but  he  soon  recovered  his  second  wind. 


AN   UP-TO-DATE  INDIAN. 


133 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


RED   CLOUD'S   REJOINDER. 


"  But  I  am  not  related  to  you;  you  are  not  my  Uncle.  In  my 
veins  there  i>  no  white  man's  blood,"  calmly  spoke  the  Chief. 

"  In  coarse,  yer  air  not  my  nevyew,  but  we  air  all  of  us  kind 
o'  kin.  We  air  all  binded  together  by  some  kind  of  tie.  Now, 


1  I  JIST  INTIND   TO   RECORMEND  TH'  BRAND  TEW  THE   HUNDRED-YEAR  CLUB  AT  THER 
NEXT  MEETIN'." 

ef  yer  kin  tell  me  what  the  guvnor  uv  North  Caroleena  onct  sed 
tew  ther  guvnor  uv  South  Caroleena,  I'll  pay  ther  expenses." 
.      "  He  remarked  that  it  was  about  time  to  take  a  drink,"  said 
the  Indian. 


AROUND   THE    "PAN." 


139 


"  Wai,  I  ruther  guess  so,  Red  Cloud,"  answered  Uncle  Hank, 
"  an'  let  us  go  tew  ther  happy  jooce  factory  an'  nomenate  our 
own  pizen." 

The  Indian  admitted  on  the  way  to  a  soda  water  fountain 
that  Uncle  Hank's  dialect  was  not  difficult  to  learn,  especially 
when  he  told  historical  anecdotes. 

In  a  confidential  way,  Uncle  Hank  said,  after  he  had  ob- 
served how  active  and  strong  the  Chief  was  :  "  Ef  yer  can  tell 
me  ther  brand  o'  liquor  thet  yer  air  drinkin'  yer  would  do  me 
a  great  favor." 

Red  Cloud  wished  to  know  the  reasons  for  such  an  unusual 
request. 

"  I  jist  intind  to  recormend  th'  brand  tew  the  Hundred- Year 
Club  et  ther  next  meetin'."  concluded  Uncle  Hank. 

Life's  but  a  walking  shadow,  a  poor  player 
That  struts  and  frets  his  hour  upon  the  stage. 

—SHAKESPEARE. 

One  of  the  features  of  the  Midway  was  the  daily  parade  of 
the  various  attractions  of  the  multitudinous  shows.  First 
would  come  the  camels,  then  donkeys,  elephants,  Arabs,  Turks, 
Aimenians,  dancing  girls,  etc.,  from  4<  The  Beautiful  Orient." 
Then  the  streets  of  Mexico  would  add  its  quota  in  the  shape  ot 
Vaqueros  on  mustangs,  bull  fighters  and  Peons.  Added  to  this 
procession  would  be  Filipinos,  Hawaiian  musicians,  Indians  in 
full  regalia,  and  odds  and  ends  from  the  other  shows.  This 
cavalcade  was  always  sure  to  attract  the  attention  of  a  majority 
of  the  visitors  on  the  grounds,  who  naturally  followed  the 
alluring  music  until  they  found  themselves  in  the  heart  of  the 
Midway.  And  then  the  Ballyhoo  would  immediately  proceed 
to  make  a  bedlam  of  the  concourse. 

There  was  no  denying  the  fact  that  the  Concessionaries  of 
the  Midway  were  a  very  resourceful  lot  and  undeniably  "-hust 
lers  "  of  the  first  grade. 


THE   MIDWAY    PARADE. 


c 


140 


AROUND  THE  "PAN/ 


BY   CRACKEE,    WHAT   A   LESSON   THEM   CAMELS  TEACH   HUMAN   BEIN'S. 
THEY   KIN    GO   SEVEN    DAYS   WITHOUT   A   DRINK." 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


141 


It  was  on  such  an  occasion  that  Uncle  Hank  was  attracted  to 
the  animals  on  parade.  As  the  camels  passed  he  remarked  : 

"  By  crackee,  what  a  lesson  them  camels  teach  human  bein's. 
They  kin  go  seven  days  without  er  drink." 

"Yes,"  replied  a  bystander,  "but  what  satisfaction  they  get 
out  of  a  drink  when  they  do  get  one ;  it  has  such  a  long  way  to 
travel  through  their  long  throats  that  it  well  repays  them  for 
their  long  abstinence.  By  the  way,  speaking  of  animals,  did 
you  know  there  was  a  lion  roaming  about  the  grounds,  loose?' 

"A  lion  ? "  exclaimed  Uncle  Hank  in  alarm. 

"  Yes ;  the  Lion  of  the  day,  President  McKinley." 

"  Is  ther  President  here  ?" 

"  Yes,  over  on  the  Plaza." 

"Wall,  I  won't  miss  Mac  ef  I  know  et  ! "  and  he  strode  off  in 
the  direction  of  the  Plaza.  When  he  arrived  there  he  found 
the  "  Lion  "  in  the  shape  of  the  President,  who  was  surrounded 
by  an  enthusiascic  multitude. 

Uncle  Hank  worked  his  way  to  the  center  of  the  group 
where  the  Chief  Magistrate  was  holding  a  levee,  and,  with  true 
Yankee  modesty,  made  himself  the  spokesman  of  the  occasion 

"  Mr.  Preserdent,  yer  th'  most  Democratic  Preserdent  we've 
had  since  Linken." 

The  crowd  cheered  the  old  man,  and  the  President  smiled 
broadly  as  he  replied  diplomatically  : 

"Well,  gentlemen,  I  thank  you  for  your  cordiality — " 

"  Speech  !  Speech  !"  called  out  several  voices  in  the  assem- 
blage, which  had  now  augmented  considerably,  and  the  Presi- 
dent was  compelled  to  get  up  on  the  steps  of  the  Music  Stand 
and  speak  to  them  before  they  would  consent  to  let  him  go. 

An  American  crowd  always  likes  to  be  talked  to.  It  will 
hover  around  a  stump  speaker  or  a  street-corner  fakir  like  flies 
around  a  molasses  barrel.  Wm.  J.  Bryan  gathered  them  by 
thousands  in  his  memorable  campaigns,  and  you  would  natu- 
rally think  that  he  would  carry  the  country  by  storm  on  Elec- 


THE   LION   OF  THE  DAY. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.1 


'«  MR.    1'RESERDENT,    YER   TH*    MOST   DEMOCRATIC    PRESERDENT   WE'VE   HAD   SENCE 


AROUND   THE    "PAN." 


143 


tion  Day,  judging  by  the  enthusiastic  gatherings  that  greeted 
him,  but  the  American  citizen,  while  very  careful  in  bestowing 
his  ballot,  is  very  lavish  in  his  applause,  as  he  deems  same  re- 
ward is  due  to  the  one  who  has  entertained  him. 

"  O  !  as  a  bee  upon  the  flower,  I  hang 
Upon  the  honey  of  thy  eloquent  tongue." 

—  BULWER. 

Uncle  Hank  saw  the  crowd  surging  into  Music  Temple,  and, 
yielding  to  his  impulse  to  follow,  he  soon  found  himself  inside 
the  portals  of  the  Temple  consecrated  to  melody  which  was  so 
soon  to  become  transformed  by  the  discordant  sounds  of  the 
assassin's  pistol.  President  McKinley  stood  right  in  front  of 
the  Majestic  Organ,  surrounded  by  eager  citizens  striving  to 
express  their  love  and  admiration  of  the  Chief  Magistrate  of 
the  Republic  through  the  medium  of  a  handshake.  The  Presi- 
dent stood  erect,  with  head  bare  and  face  radiant  with  kindli- 
ness and  good  humor. 

The  crowd  kept  passing  by  in  rapid  style,  and  Mr.  McKinley 
was  in  high  spirits. 

No  one  noticed  in  the  crowd  a  fairly  thick-set  young  man, 
with  curly  brownish  hair,  who  kept  moving  slowly  with  the 
rest. 

He  had  a  cap  under  his  arm.  His  left  hand  was  bound  up 
in  a  white  handkerchief. 

But  there  was  nothing  suspicious  —  nothing  but  the  clean 
silk  handkerchief,  that  looked  as  if  the  young  man  had  hurt 
his  hand  and  bound  it  up.  Not  a  soul  guessed  that,  concealed 
in  the  folds  of  the  handkerchief  was  an  ugly  little  revolver  —  a 
32-calibre  derringer,  carrying  five  shoit  cartridges. 

The  President  reached  out  his  right  hand  ;  the  man  reached 
out  quickly.  The  President  smiled. 

For  an  answer  the  man  reached  his  left  hand  around,  just  as 
a  pugilist  might  try  to  give  his  opponent  a  quick  jab  in  the 


E  ASSASSINATION  OF 
THE  PRKSIDENT. 


144 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


THE  ANARCHIST'S  PROMPTER. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


ribs.     He  pressed  his  hand  against  the  black  frock  coat  of  the 
President  and  pulled  the  trigger. 

Suddenly  there  was  a  great  commotion  around  the  President, 
and  a  second  later  a  pistol  report  rang  out,  and  immediately 
after  another.  The  sharp  crack  of  the  revolver  echoed  against 
the  pipes  of  the  big  organ,  and  the  fine  acoustic  qualities  of  the 
hall  caused  the  shots  to  reverberate  back  and  forth  until  it  ap- 
peared as  if  a  dozen  assassins  were  at  work. 

Like  an  electric  flash  the  cry  spread  : 

"  The  President  is  shot !"  and  wild  confusion  reigned  in  the 
Auditorium.  People  rushed  hither  and  thither  ;  everyone 
seemed  panic-stricken. 

Suddenly  there  was  a  deep  roar  :  "  Lynch  him!  Lynch  the 
assassin !" 

Ever  and  again  some  man's  voice  would  cry  out  :  "Don't  let 
him  get  away!"  and  there  would  be  a  score  of  answering  shouts 
of  "  Kill  him  !  Hang  him  !  Take  him  up  on  the  arch  and  burn 
him!  Burn  him  at  the  stake  !" 

During  all  the  tumult  Uncle  Hank  stood  mutely  by,  awe- 
stricken  at  the  terrible  spectacle  he  had  been  an  involuntary 
witness  of. 

But  he  came  to  his  senses  when  he  heard  the  cry  for  Lynch 
Law. 

"  Thar  ye  go  !"  he  exclaimed,  "  show  yer  disrespect  fer  the 
law  by  breakin'  it.  Thet's  what  breeds  Anarchists.  Jf  ye'd 
show  the  misguided  lunatics  the  awful  power  ov  th'  law  ye'd 
terrorize  'em  more  than  ye  will  by  usin'  brute  force.  Show  'em 
th'  true  majesty  ov  th'  law  and  th'  red  devils'l  slink  inter  ther 
holes  an'  tremble  with  fear." 

The  entire  Exposition  was  now  in  a  turmoil.  All  was  con- 
sternation. A  strange  atmosphere  enveloped  everything.  On 
the  Midway  the  Ballyhoos  were  stilled,  the  clowns,  with  serious 
faces,  asked  the  barkers  for  additional  particulars  of  the  trag- 
edy. Ki-ki,  the  imitation  monkey  at  the  "House  Upside 


THE  ANARCHIST'S  WORK. 


i46 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


ANXIOUS    DAYS. 


Down,"  grew  serious,  and  his  face  took  on  a  solemn  aspect  as 
he  asked  a  hurrying  guard  if  the  President  still  lived. 

Within  the  big  Exposition  buildings  similar  scenes  were 
enacted.  Booths  were  hastily  covered  up  and  closed,  and  the 
exhibitors  hastened  to  the  scene  of  the  shooting. 

The  Music  Temple  was  soon  surrounded  by  an  immense 
throng,  and  universal  sympathy  was  expressed  for  the  unfortu- 
nate President.  There  was  no  mistaking  McKinley's  popular- 
ity. Having  assumed  the  Presidency  at  a  time  of  industrial 
depression,  the  country  had  progressed  during  his  administra- 
tion to  most  marvelous  prosperity.  He  was  identified  in  the 
public  mind  with  contentment,  happiness,  pecuniary  indepen- 
dence and  remunerative  employment  of  labor  and  capital,  un- 
precedented in  the  history  of  the  country.  McKinley  and  the 
American  home  had  become  synonymous  terms.  His  beautiful 
and  chivalric  devotion  to  his  invalid  wife  had  endeared  him  to 
every  family. 

As  for  the  assassin,  the  most  bitter  denunciation  of  him  and 
of  the  Anarchistic  fanatics  who  had  inspired  him  in  his  atro- 
cious deed,  was  heard  on  every  side.  Uncle  Hank  voiced  the 
sentiment  of  the  majority  of  people  when  he  said  to  a  by- 
stander : 

"Them  Anarchists  is  like  rattlesnakes;  fust  they  rattle  dan- 
gerous warnin's  and  then  they  strike  a  deadly  blow.  No 
civilized  community  ez  safe  while  they're  about.  It's  high 
time  they  waz  exterminated  ;  jes'  make  it  high  treason  when 
they  rattle  on'  about  removin'  rulers  ;  an'  let  ther  strong  arm 
of  ther  law  grasp  'em  around  th'  neck  an'  strangle  'em  tew 
death  before  they  hev  time  tew  coil  an'  strike.  Naow  ye  see 
th'  danger  ov  'lowin'  ther  scum  of  Europe  tew  cum  inter  th' 
country.  Yer  quarantine  yaller  fever,  but  ye  never  think  ov 
quarantinin  red  anarchy,  which  is  a  sight  more  dangerous 
diseese,"  and  Uncle  Hank  moved  off  very  much  depressed  at 
the  terrible  scenes  he  had  witnessed  that  day. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  147 


The  President  is  Dead. 


After  a  week  of  cheering  bulletins  from  the  sick  chamber 
this  was  the  message  that  greeted  the  nation  on  the  morning 
of  the  Fourteenth  of  September. 

After  Hope  had  been  enthroned,  and  there  seemed  to  be  no 
possibility  of  a  fatal  termination  to  the  cowardly  assassin's 
work,  there  came  the  direful  message — DEAD. 

It  was  hard  to  realize. 

Its  full  import  failed  to  impress  all  because  of  its  awful 
significance. 

The  President  was  Dead,  and  with  his  death  came  a  fuller 
realization  of  his  sterling  qualities,  his  noble  patriotism,  his 
perfect  manhood,  and  his  inherent  kindliness  of  heart,  which 
had  endeared  him  to  his  fellow-countrymen. 

There  was  no  North,  no  South,  no  East,  no  West ;  and  all 
partisanship  was  sunk  in  a  common  grief,  and  the  hand  of 
good-fellowship  was  extended  in  this  hour  of  national  calamity. 

The  tears  welled  up  in  Uncle  Hank's  eyes  as  he  softly  mur- 
mured the  dying  words  of  the  stricken  President :  "  It  is  God's 
will ;  God's  will  be  done." 

Nothing  in  his  life 

Became  him  like  the  leaving  it;    he  died 
As  one  that  had  been  studied  in  his  death, 
To  throw  away  the  dearest  thing  he  owned, 
As  'twere  a  careless  trifle. 

—SHAKESPEARE. 

The  nation  deeply  mourned  in  its  great  affliction,  and  busi- 
ness halted.  The  Exposition  closed  its  gates  for  two  days, 
and  when  it  resumed  its  life  again  it  was  draped  with  sombre 
tokens  of  mourning  but  little  in  keeping  with  its  gay  mission. 


i48 


AROUND   THE   "PAN/ 


A   HIGH   ROOM. 


Uncle  Hank  realized  that  he  would  have  to  make  several 
journeys  to  the  Exposition,  and,  wishing  to  be  nearer  to  the 
grounds,  he  had  one  morning  secured  a  room  in  one  of  the 
many  private  residences  thrown  open  to  Pan-American  visitors 
by  the  frugal  residents  of  Buffalo. 

A  placard  on  the  door  announced  : 


Rooms  to 
$1.00   Up. 


He  concluded  this  about  suited  his  pocketbook,  and  after  an 
interview  with  the  sharp-featured  landlady,  paid  her  a  dollar, 
on  the  assurance  that  she  would  have  a  nice  room  ready  for 
him  on  his  return  from  the  Exposition. 

After  ringing  the  door  bell  of  his  new  quarters  several  times, 
the  door  was  finally  opened  by  a  frowsy-headed  maid-of-all- 
work,  who  recognized  him  immediately,  and  ushered  him  in. 

"You're  the  gent  as  hired  a  room  this  mornin' ?"  she  in- 
quired. 

"  I'm  that  same  individool  thet  paid  yer  mistress  a  dollar  fer 
a  room  ;  is  she  to  hum  ?" 

"  She's  gone  ter  market,  but  I  kin  show  ye  up.  This  way, 
please."  And  she  led  the  way  up  several  flights  of  wheezy, 
creaking  stairs  to  the  top  of  the  house. 

Uncle  Hank  was  out  of  breath  when  he  reached  a  small  attic 
.room  close  to  the  roof. 

"This  be'ant  what  I  bargained  fer.  I  want  one  ov  them 
rooms  down  stairs  ;  I  paid  what  yer  sign  called  fer,  a  dollar  fer 
a  room." 

"I  guess,  you  didn't  read  the  sign  right ;  it  reads  $i  oo  up, 
and  this  is  up  as  high  as  ye  can  git,"  and  the  girl  grinned  from 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


149 


BEATS  ALL,    HAOW   PEOPLE'S  ALLUS  LOOKIN   KER  SUMTHIN  FF.R   NOTHIN." 


iSo  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

DEADHEADS.         ear  to  ear,  and  then  suggested  that  he  could  get  one  of  the 
rooms  down  stairs  by  paying  more  money. 

He  soon  realized  that  he  was  in  for  it,  so  resolved  to  make 
the  best  of  his  bad  bargain,  and  as  he  was  very  tired  he  was 
soon  lost  in  slumber,  disturbed  only  by  the  onslaught  of  an 
army  of  Pan-American  bedbugs  that  would  surely  have  taken 
first  prize  had  they  been  placed  on  exhibition  in  the  big  show. 

Sleep,  that  knits  up  the  ravell'd  sleeve  of  care; 

The  death  of  each  day's  life,  sore  labor's  bath, 

Balm  of  hurt  minds,  great  Nature's  second  course, 

Chief  nouiisher  in  life's  feast.  — SHAKESPEARE. 


When  Uncle  Hank  reached  the  Exposition  grounds  next  day, 
he  noticed  a  long  line  of  people  peeping  through  holes  in  the 
fence  surrounding  the  Indian  Village,  trying  to  get  a  free  view 
of  the  Indians  within. 

"  Beats  all,  how  people's  allus  lookin  fer  somethin  fer 
nothin,"  he  exclaimed,  as  he  passed  through  the  turnstile  on 
his  way  into  the  Exposition. 

As  he  walked  up  the  broad  avenue  leading  from  the  entrance, 
he  encountered  several  wheel-chairs  with  their  occupants 
twisting  their  necks  in  every  direction  as  they  pushed  past  the 
different  attractions. 

"  Seems  ter  me,"  he  observed,  "  they'd  twist  their  heads  off 
ridin  in  them  chairs  on  wheels.  1  guess  thet's  whar  ther  rub- 
ber neck's  cultivated.  Now  ef  people  warnt  so  blamed  lazy 
they'd  see  a  heap  sight  more  by  walkin  ;  what  with  bicycles, 
trolley  cars,  ought-to-mo-biles  and  sich,  they'll  lose  ther  use  of 
legs  altugether,  and  az  fer  walkin  upstairs— elly-vaters  '11  make 
us  a  weak-kneed  race.  In  another  generashun  they  won't  be 
able  tew  do  ther  wonders  thev're  doin  now  in  all  walks  ov  life, 
fer  they  won't  be  able  tew  walk." 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  15i 


"I  OUF.SS  THET'S  WHAR  THER  RUBPER  NECK'S  CUITIVAIEP," 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


THE   POPULIST. 


This  made  Uncle  Hank  feel  tired,  and  he  concluded  to  sit 
down  on  one  of  the  convenient  green  benches  which  abound 
throughout  the  grounds.  On  the  bench  in  question  sat  an  old 
farmer  like  himself  absorbed  in  a  newspaper.  As  soon  as  he 
saw  that  our  hero  intended  sitting  down,  he  made  room  for 
him  in  a  most  accommodating  way. 

He  was  a  good  type  of  a  far  Western  farmer,  with  broad 
shoulders  and  a  well-knit  frame  that  showed  evidences  of  hard 
work  on  a  large  prairie  farm.  His  face  was  almost  concealed 
by  a  large  luxuriant  beard,  just  beginning  to  show  grizzlied, 
and  his  eyes  shone  with  an  intelligence  only  to  be  found  in 
farmers  under  the  Stars  and  Stripes. 

"  These  seats  be  tarnal  good  places  tew  roost  arter  a  hot 
tramp  thru  them  hot  buildins,"  he  observed,  as  Hank  took  his 
seat. 

"Wai,  I  dunno  but  what  yer  right,"  replied  the  Yankee.  "  I 
calklate  yew  be  a  farmer?" 

"  Yep,  I  be  one  ;  be  yew  ?" 

"  Yas,  I  be  a  farmer  in  a  small  sort  er  way,  down  East.  Ye 
see  farmin  aint  what  et  used  ter  be  in  our  section  ;  them  big 
farms  aout  West  kin  raise  crops  cheap'rn  we  kin  on  account  ov 
hevin  ter  use  no  fertilizers,"  explained  Hank. 

"  Wai,"  replied  the  other,  "  I'm  a  Western  farmer.  I'm  from 
Nebrasky,  and  I've  got  a  hundred  an  sixty  acres  o'  prairie  land 
under  cultivation,  but  when  ye  kin  git  only  eighteen  cents  a 
bushil  fer  corn,  et  don't  make  no  diffrence  ef  ye  don't  hev  tew 
use  no  fertilizers.  Them  raleroads  an  elevator  men  git  all  ther 
profit  ther  is  in  farmin  in  ther  West,  an  ez  ther  stock  an  bonds 
ov  th'  companies  ez  owned  in  the  East,  I  reckon  yew  Down- 
Easters  ain't  got  nothin  tew  complain  ov." 

This  allusion  to  Yankee  thrift  rather  nettled  the  Down- 
Easter,  but  he  soon  recovered  his  composure,  and  he  rejoined  : 

"  Then,  tew  use  ther  slang  ov  th'  day — Farmin's  on  the 
Hog." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


'53 


"No,  not  exactly,  et's  more  like  ez  th'  Hog  waz  on  ther 
Farmer,"  and  he  slapped  the  Yankee  a  good-natured  whack  on 
the  back. 

Ill  fares  the  land,  to  hastening  ills  a  prey, 
Where  wealth  accumulates,  and  men  decay. 
Princes  and  lords  may  flourish,  or  may  fade, 
A  breath  can  make  them  as  a  breath  has  made; 
But  a  bold  peasantry,  their  country's  pride, 
When  once  destroyed,  can  never  be  supplied. 

— GOLDSMITH. 

At  this  juncture  a  couple  of  South  Americans  passed  by. 

"  Thar's  th  solution  ov  th  hull  bizness  !"  exclaimed  the  New 
Englander,  waving  his  hand  in  the  direction  of  the  pair ;  "  thet's 
what  this  Pan  Amerikin  show  ez  .fer ;  tew  open  up  South 
Ameriky  tew  th'  products  ov  this  country." 

"  Yep,  thet's  so,  ef  them  tarnal  Trusts  don't  git  possession  ov 
th'  markit  house,"  replied  the  Westerner. 

"  I  see  yer  besumwhat  ov  a  Populist  an  yer  down  on  Trusts," 
said  Uncle  Hank  with  a  twinkle  in  his  eye. 

"Wai,  now  yer  shoutin,"  ejaculated  the  man  from  Nebraska. 

"  Them  Trusts  '1  regulate  themselves  by-and-by  ;  tain't  no 
use  talkin,  Trusts  air  not  all  bad  ;  some  does  good  in  cheap 'nin 
ter  necessities  an  bringin  th'  cost  ov  em  daown  so  thet  we  kin 
hev  ther  benefit  ov  em,"  observed  the  Yankee  ;  "  an  besides  th' 
time  ez  comin  when  th'  gov'ment'l  hev  charge  an  then  we'll 
hev  ideel  conditions." 

"  Wai,"  rejoined  the  Westerner,  "  it  ain't  wuth  our  arguin' 
about,  cos  we  kant  settle  it  nohow  ;  hev  ye  seen  th'  fine  cattle 
over  yonder?" 

"Notyit." 

"  Wai,  let's  go  over  an'  inspect  'em  ;  I  reckon  we'll  see  sum- 
thin'  thet'l  interest  us  both." 

And  the  pair  proceeded  to  view  the  pedigreed  Jerseys  and 
Alderneys  of  high  degree. 


AGRICULTURAL   PROBLEMS. 


154 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


THE   ARISTOCRATS. 


The  cattle  displayed  in  this  section  of  the  Exposition  were 
the  aristocrats  of  their  species.  They  were  too  select  to  asso- 
ciate with  the  cattle  owned  by  such  farmers  as  Uncle  Hank 
and  his  Western  friend. 

"They're  tew  rich  for  my  blood,"  observed  the  Yankee 
farmer,  "et's  sech  horny-handed  farmers  ez  Rockefeller,  Mor- 
ton, Cassatt,  Havemeyer  an'  ther  like  ez  kin  afford  to  hev  cows 
costin'  three  an'  four  thousand  dollars  each,  in  ther  barns." 

"Yep,  thet's  so,"  assented  the  Westerner,  "  an'  I  reckon  they 
ought  tew  git  a  couple  ov  dollars  a  pound  fer  the  butter  tew 
make  'em  pay  a  dividend." 

"  Wai,"  chimed  in  Hank,  "  I  calklate  me  an'  you'll  hev  tew 
stick  tew  brindles  an'  sookeys  fer  ther  present." 

Nevertheless,  the  importation  of  fine  breed  of  cattle  by 
wealthy  men  addicted  to  farming  does  a  world  of  good  for  the 
farmers  throughout  the  country,  as  it  unquestionably  raises 
the  quality  of  the  cattle,  and  in  time  reaches  the  barns  of  all 
the  farmers  in  the  country. 

Uncle  Hank  now  resolved  to  go  it  alone,  as  he  found  that  his 
Western  friend's  ideas  did  not  chord  with  his  own.  The  prairie 
farmer  cared  only  for  such  things  as  appertained  to  agricul- 
ture, while  the  Yankee  farmer  was  interested  in  almost  every- 
thing on  exhibition. 

"Wai,  stranger,"  exclaimed  the  Westerner,  •'  I  think  I'll  put 
in  ther  rest  ov  ther  day  lookin  up  them  new-fangled  mowin' 
an'  reapin'  masheens,  an'  as  I  don't  s'pose  they  interest  yer  th' 
way  they  dew  me,  I  guess  I'll  hev  ter  leave  yer."  And  with  a 
cordial  handshake  they  parted  company. 

"  Thet's  th'  reason  them  Western  farmers  kant  git  mor'n 
eighteen  cents  fer  korn.  They  cum  tew  a  grate  exherbishun 
like  this  an'  kant  see  nothin'  beyond  Farmin'  Implements," 
and  he  strode  down  the  Plaza  to  continue  his  sightseeing  tour 
in  his  own  way. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  155 

He  had  reached  the  entrance  of  the  Ethnology  Building, 
and,  as  his  former  trip  had  been  a  hasty  one,  he  determined  to 
look  in  again. 

The  exhibition  of  stone  implements  was  a  very  complete  one, 
and  attracted  a  great  deal  of  attention.  A  bystander  remarked 
to  Uncle  Hank  that  a  sight  of  such  crude  stone  implements 
tended  to  show  what  enormous  strides  had  been  made  since  the 
time  they  were  in  use. 

"  Wai,  I  dunno,"  retorted  Hank.  "  Ef  ye  go  tew  one  ov  them 
swell  affairs  ov  ther  Four  Hundred  down  tew  Newport  an  see 
th'  thousands  ov  dollars  wuth  ov  preshus  stones  they  decorate 
themselves  with,  ye  wouldn't  think  we'd  intirely  passed  out  ov 
the  Stone  Age  yit." 

He  was  greatly  interested  in  the  exhibition  of  antique 
fossils,  and  was  examining  them  minutely  when  he  noticed  a 
very  nice-looking  young  lady  also  examining  them  closely. 
He  divined  that  she  must  be  a  Vassar  College  Girl,  so  he  quite 
casually  inquired  of  her :  "  Be  you  interested  in  old  fossils, 
Miss  ? " 

"  No  ;  I'm  only  interested. in  young  men,"  pertly  replied  the 
up-to-date  miss. 

"  By  ginger,  thet's  a  good  one  !"  exclaimed  the  old  fellow, 
"  an'  I  don't  blame  ye,  nuther." 

Youth,  I  do  adore  thee  ; 

O,  my  love,  my  love  is  young. 

Age,  I  do  defy  thee. 

O,  shepherd,  hie  thee, 

For  methinks  thou  stay'st  too  long. 

— SHAKESPEARE. 

He  exhaustively  studied  the  rest  of  the  exhibits,  and  then 
wended  his  way  to  his  domicile  to  recuperate  for  a  trip  to 
Niagara  Falls  on  the  following  day. 


A  VASSAR  MISS. 


156 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


UNCLE   HANK   SEES   THE 


Uncle  Hank  visited  Niagara  Falls  as  part  of  the  Exposition, 
and  nothing  of  special  interest  happened  until  he  arrived.  Then 
he  was  besieged  by  a  crowd  of  leather-lunged  hackmen,  all 
eager  to  get  a  big  fare  for  a  short  ride.  Our  hero  smiled  in  a 
broad-gauge  way,  and  listened  for  a  few  minutes  to  their 
vociferous  importunities.  One  hackman  cried  out : 

"  Say,  boss,  I'll  take  you  to  see  the  gorge  for  two  dollars  and 
explain  it  all  to  you." 

"By  gum,  ye  call  me  boss,"  mused  Uncle  Hank,  "and  thet 
makes  me  think  I'm  great  shakes,  but,  tew  hum,  I  hev  my 
doubts  about  being  a  boss.  Yer  kin  bet  yer  bottom  dollar,  I 
try  ter  be  ther  boss  ;  but  I'm  taken  down  a  peg  or  two,  by 
gum,  when  I  run  agin  ther  domestic  outfit.  My  hull  life,  then, 
ter  quoate  Grover  Cleveland,  ain't  one  hull  sweet  song,  one 
chewin'  gum  holerday,  but  a  mess  of  prickly  ash  and  Mexican 
cacktuss.  Won't  ye  call  me  boss  agin,  boys;  it  sounds  like  I'm 
ther  profit  away  from  hum." 

"  Say,  what  yer  given  me  ?"  said  the  hackman. 

"  I  ain't  givin'  them  ther  two  dollars,  not  by  a  jugful." 

This  hackman,  who  had  to  listen  to  Uncle  Hank's  harangue 
on  his  new  title  of  boss,  went  away  disgusted,  and  another  one 
tackled  the  rural  sage,  an  ostensibly  easy  mark  :  "  I  will  take 
you  to  see  the  gorge  for  two  dollars  and  throw  in  Goat  Island.' 

"That  uther  feller  wanted  -ter  charge  me  two  dollars,  and  I 
couldn't  and  wouldn't  pay  thet  extortionation  sum." 

"Well,  Uncle,  I'll  do  better  ;  I'll  take  you  to  see  the  gorge 
for  one  dollar  and  throw  in  Goat  Island." 

"  By  gum,  young  feller,  I'll  go  yer.  I  jist  make  one  dollar 
by  this  yer  transacshun,  and  thet  is  one  hundred  per  cent,  ter 
the  good.  Yer  won't  let  me  get  wet,  Mr.  Hackman  ?" 

"  Your  wiskers  may  get  a  little  damp,  and  you  will  be  hot 
under  the  collar ;  but  this  happens  to  all  new-comers  here," 
said  the  hackman  as  he  winked  at  his  fellow-jehus. 

Uncle  Hank  jumped  into  the  hack,  proud  that  he  had  made 


AROUND   THE   ''PAN." 


BE    YOU    INTERESTED    IN    OLD    FOSSILS,    MISS  ?" 


one  hundred  per  cent,  on  his  bargain  and 
was  whirled  around  the  corner.  The  driver 
took  several  turns,  and  would  occasionally 
give  vent  to  unrestrained  ha!  ha!  he!  he! 
haw!  haws!  In  a  few  minutes  he  reached  a 
kind  of  alleyway  and  turned  down.  At  the 
end  was  a  cheap  frankfurter  stand,  and  a  big 
German  stood  by  eating  sausages  and  sour- 


158  AROUND  THE  "PAN." 

HACKMAN'S  JOKE.  krout  like  a  glutton.  His  capacious  mouth  was  filled  to  reple- 
tion as  the  hackman  called  out : 

"Uncle,  there  is  the  gorge.  See  it  ;  see  him  !  Now  jump 
out !  " 

Uncle  Hank  realized  that  he  had  been  sold,  but  he  was  game, 
and  indignantly  cried  out  :  "  But  whar  is  the  island,  young 
feller?" 

"  See,  there  is  the  goat,"  pointing  to  a  billy  goat  quietly 
grazing  in  a  vacant  lot,  "  the  island  is  just  behind  him  and  is 
chiefly  land,  except  when  it  rains,  and  then  it  is. partly  water. 
Don't  go  near  the  goat ;  it  will  butt  you  off  the  Falls."  The 
hackman  drove  off  laughing,  leaving  the  rural  tourist  hot 
under  the  collar,  and  ready  for  any  kind  of  reprisal. 

Later  Uncle  Hank  saw  the  Falls,  and  his  first '  exclamation 
enchained  the  attention  of  a  party  of  tourists  : 

"  Wai,  wal,  ther  think  I'm  whar  ther  water  cums  hurriedly 
down  ther  hill,  and  a  purty  good  sized  one,  too.  Gosh,  Si 
Dusen berry,  ther  Deacon  up  my  way,  sed  he  onct  swum  ther 
Rappanhannock  River  during  the  war  with  four  bullets  in 
him  and  never  got  his  bar  wet.  Guess  ther  Deacon  would  get 
his  bar  too  damp  for  dryin  ef  he  swum  thet  body  ov  fallin 
water.  But  ther  aint  water  thar  enough  ter  wash  all  of  Uncle 
Sam's  sitosens  in  ther  new  possessions  clean  ef  they  washed  fur 
yeers  and  furever.  No,  sir,  thar  clothes  can't  be  cleaned,  not 
even  with  all  Nigeraroo  and  soap." 

"  I  would  just  like  to  know  why  their  clothes  can't  be 
cleaned  ?"  queried  a  disciple  of  Senator  George  F.  Hoar,  who 
stood  by. 

"  Wal,  ther  can't,  by  gum  !"  replied  Uncle  Hank. 

"  That  is  the  way  with  you  seedy  bearded  farmers  ;  you 
assert  things  and  can't  prove  them.  I  demand  that  you  give 
one  sensible  reason  why  the  clothes  of  the  Filipinos  cannot  be 
cleaned."  The  people  stood  around  eagerly  to  hear  Uncle 
Hank's  answer  to  the  mad  disciple  of  Senator  Hoar. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  159 

"  I  aint  heard  yit  thet  they  wear  any  clothes."  UNCLK  HANK  AT 

A  shout  of  laughter  that  almost  rose  above  the  roar  of  the  T1,E  FALLS. 

mighty  waters  came  from  the  little  group  who  heard  the 
colloquy  and  the  disciple  of  George  Frisbie  Hoar  went  away 
muttering. 

They  wanted  to  take  Uncle  Hank  under  the  Falls,  but  he 
would  not  consent.  "  I've  just  got  nuff  horse  sense  to  git  out 
o'  the  rain,"  he  said,  "  So  ye  can't  git  me  ter  pay  ter  git  under 
sich  a  tremenjious  downpore  as  thet,  not  this  yere  o'  my 
natchuel  life."  It  was  explained  that  the  momentum  of  such 
a  large  body  of  water  hurled  it  far  enough  over  the  chasm  to 
permit  people  to  walk  behind  and  not  get  wet,  only  a  little 
damp. 

"  Wai,  I  aint  takin  my  chances,  by  gum,  on  thet  momento, 
for  it  might  jist  let  up  for  a  minoote  er  two  and  whar  would 
yer  Uncle  Hank  be  ?  Ask  uf  ther  waves  thet  rock  ther  cradul 
of  ther  deep.  Thar  jist  be  two  kind  o'  fools :  ther  one  thet 
rushed  in  where  anguls  fear  to  trod  and  ther  one  thet  pays 
ter  see  how  narrer  his  escape  can  be." 

Looking  at  the  Rapids,  Uncle  Hank  saw  the  Suspension 
Bridge  and  innocently  asked  what  kind  of  a  bridge  it  was. 

A  woman  who  had  been  through  college  replied  : 

"That  is  a  cantelever  bridge." 

"  Thank  you,  mum.     How  pooetercal,  can't-leave-her  !" 

"  Sir,  I  am  a  graduate  of  Vassar  College  and  I  know  how  to 
pronounce.  I  said  cantelever  and  not  cantleaver  !"  she  in- 
dignantly exclaimed. 

"  Agin  I  thank  you,  mum.  Ther  new-fangulled  prununcer- 
ashun  is  a  leetle  too  much  for  me  when  I'm  fur  away  from 
hum.  Thet  is  the  English  prununcerashun,  I  guess.  Cant- 
leave-her  is  all  right  and  I  aint  kicking.  Caurse  Kanerday 
cant  leave  us  and  thet  bridge  is  ther  bindin  cord.  Uncle  Sam 
is  ther  bow  and  Kanerday  is  ther  gal.  I  guess  yer  Kollege 
gals  hed  ruther  hev  Jarnin'  then  husbands." 


160  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

THE  CANT-LEAVE-HKR-  "  Sir,  a  husband  is  a  superfluous  appendage,"  she  scornfully 


"  Yer  aint  sassing  me,  is  yer,  sissy  ?  This  superfluous 
pendergee  business  is  too  much  fur  me.  I  guess  tho'  ther 
husband  is  jest  like  ther  cant-leave-her-bridge  ;  he  jist  kind  o' 
stays  round  ther  house  and  lets  them  all  walk  over  him  cause 
he's  thar  and  can't  git  away." 

"  Well,  I'll  show  you  that  I  can  leave,  sir,  and  not  emulate 
the  bridge  in  any  respect."  The  Vassar  girl,  who  had  gradu- 
ated years  ago,  walked  rapidly  away  as  Uncle  Hank  fired  a 
parting  Parthian  shot  ! 

"  Them  thet  has  no  bridge  uf  matrimony,  it  seems,  is  worser 
tempered  then  ther  ones  who  hev  ther  '  Cant-leave  her  bridge  !'  " 

Uncle  Hank  concluded  he  would  cross  the  bridge  and  be  in 
"furrin  parts,"  as  he  expressed  it.  He  first  ate  a  frugal  lunch 
and  was  in  such  a  hurry  to  get  to  "  furrin  parts  "  that  he  failed 
to  wipe  the  breadcrumbs  from  his  Horace  Greeley  throat 
whiskers.  He  got  across  all  right,  picked  up  some  of  the  dirt, 
looked  at  it,  put  it  down  and  said,  "  By  gosh,  taint  anny  richer 
then  the  sile  ter  hum."  After  remaining  in  "furrin  parts" 
twenty  minutes  he  started  back,  and  was  promptly  met  by  a 
customs  official  and  asked  if  he  had  any  dutiable  goods  con- 
cealed upon  his  person. 

"Wai,  what  do  ye  take  me  fur?  A  furrin  traveler  bringing 
sparkling  stuns  back  ?"  Dootyable  goods  ?  Why  all  my 
clothes  hev  done  me  double  dooty  and  by  golly  sum  of  these 
old  pantalooneys  hev  been  reseated."  Uncle  Hank  would 
have  continued,  but  the  officer  saw  a  chance  to  have  sport  with 
the  farmer  and  cut  him  short  : 

"  I  see  you  have  bread  stuffs  on  you,  and  perhaps  salt,  and 
they  are  dutiable." 

"Wai,  I  guess  ye  hev  them  eagle  eyes  I  hev  red  erbout," 
replied  Uncle  Hank.  "  Yer  can  see  thro*  stun  walls,  and  cum 
ther  think,  I  suppose  yer  hev  second  sight,  hevn't  ye  ?" 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


16: 


°  •'    -"„.'  "%  i  \»:?~r>mfl:f  f  '         \  •'•  • ;     "l^.. 

"BY   GUM!   THIS    EZ    THER   FUST   TIME   THET   THER   RAIN   HEZ   CUM   UP  FRUM   BELOW." 


i62  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

Don't  try  to  pass,  for  you  have  concealed,  or  partly  con- 
cealed, breadstuff  in  those  bushwhackers  of  yours.  Th^y  must 
be  weighed,  and  perhaps  your  whiskers  may  be  confiscated." 

Uncle  Hank  now  saw  the  officer  was  a  wag,  and  it  made 
him  retort : 

"  Say,  young  man,  I  hev  jist  paid  a  dollar  to  see  ther  gorge, 
and  them  stray  komissary  bits  yer  eagle  eyes  hev  diskuvered 
air  all  thet  is  left  ov  ther  gorge." 

The  general  laugh  followed,  and  Uncle  Hank  was  given  a 
smuggler's-delight  cheroot,  and  went  on  his  way  puffing. 

Strolling  to  the  great  Falls,  Uncle  Hank  noticed  a  beautiful 
rainbow  hovering  just  over  the  precipice. 

While  he  was  gazing  in  admiration  at  it  he  felt  as  if  rain 
were  coming  from  below,  and,  quickly  opening  his  umbrella, 
he  held  it  downwards  to  keep  off  the  deluge.  It  was  the  spray 
that  shot  upwards  from  the  vast  mass  of  waters  that  surged 
over  the  Falls  and  dashed  below  in  reckless  abandcn. 

"  By  gum  !  this  is  ther  fust  time,"  he  exclaimed,  "thet  ther 
rain  hez  ever  cum  up  from  below.  Guess  it  may  be  rainin'  in 
China,  and  kind  o'  soakin  through.  It  'pears  like  things  er 
somewhat  upside  down  when  ther  rain  strikes  yer  feet  fore- 
most. I  don't  mind  gettin'  my  hed  wet,  fer  I  kin  soon  dry  it 
hevin'  burnin*  thoughts,  but  when  my  firm  foundations  are 
soaked  ter  ther  brim  it  ez  not  such  an  easy  thing  ter  git  agin 
on  a  proherbishon  basis." 

"  Say,  Uncle,  your  umbrella  is  leaking,"  cried  out  a  passing 
wag. 

"  Thet's  right,  young  feller,"  he  admitted.  "  It  ez  leakin'  on 
ther  outside,  an'  thet  is  not  givin'  me  any  consarn.  Do  yer 
know  thet  damp  feet  an'  attendin'  to  uther  peopull's  bizerness 
ez  kalkerlated  tew  make  the  most  pius  bald.  Jist  remember 
thet  an'  go  and  soak  your  head,  young  feller,  in  ther  waters  of 
wisdum.  Ye  won't  be  bald-headed  so  soon." 

11  Well,  Uncle,  you  have  not  got  as  many  bats  in  your  belfry 


AROUND  THE   "PAN."  163 

as  I  imagined,"  was  the  wag's  response.  "Just  take  a  few  col- 
ors of  the  rainbow  home,  won't  you,  and  let  your  people  know 
that  you  have  seen  the  Falls  and  were  sober  enough  to  secure 
a  souvenir." 

"  Maybe  yer  think  I'm  color  blind  ?"  responded  the  Yankee. 
"  I  ain't  even  hed  ther  blind  staggurs,  and  ther  beauty  of  ther 
rainbow  is  dooly  appreciated  by  yers  trooly.  I'll  bet  ye  can't 
tell  all  the  colors  in  thet  bow,  young  feller." 

The  young  man  named  a  few  of  the  cardinal  colors,  and 
finally  admitted  he  could  not  name  them  all.  Uncle  Hank 
then  astonished  him  by  saying  :  "  Can  yer  spell 

VIBYOR  ?" 

When  the  would-be  wag  answered  in  the  negative  Uncle 
Hank  then  explained  that  the  six  letters  represented  the  great 
fundamental  colors — violet,  indigo,  blue,  yellow,  orange  and 
red. 

"  Shake,  old  man  !"  said  the  wag.  "  I  will  remember  that  pe- 
culiar word,  vibyor,  and  also  remember  you." 

Uncle  Hank  said :  "  Wai,  don't  ask  me  fur  a  lock  uv  my 
hair;  Fin  goin'  tew  keep  it  in  my  buserness." 

As  Uncle  Hank  seated  himself  on  the  trolley  car  on  his  re- 
turn from  Niagara  Falls  he  discovered  that  the  young  man 
ahead  of  him  was  none  other  than  the  hackman  who  had  shown 
him  the  Gorge  for  a  dollar. 

He  scratched  his  head  for  a  few  minutes  trying  to  devise 
some  scheme  whereby  he  might  get  even  with  the  "  Smart 
Aleck,"  as  he  termed  him. 

As  the  car  started  he  tapped  the  young  man  on  the  shoulder 
and  inquired : 

"An' ye  goin  daown  tew  Buffalo  tew  show  them  Pan-Ameri- 
kin  visitors  sum  new  '  Gorges  '  fer  a  dollar  a  look  ?" 

"  Ha,  ha  !  Uncle,"  he  replied,  "  that  was  one  on  you." 

"Yas,"  retorted  Hank.  "That  waz  one  on  me  an  I  s'pose 
yew  folks  considers  yer  orful  smart." 


164  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

UNCLE  HANK  GETS  EVEN.  "  We're  too  smart  for  you  Yankees  ;  you  ought  to  come  up 

here  to  finish  your  education  ;  do  you  know  you  are  now 
travelling  on  the  fastest  trolley  line  in  the  world  ?" 

As  Hank  looked  out  of  the  window  he  retorted  :  "  Oh,  I 
dunno,  this  road  pears  tew  me  tew  be  runnin'  tew  seed,  fer  I 
hearn  tell  thet  they  waz  raisin  fruit  between  th'  rales." 

At  this  the  local  pride  of  the  hackman  was  hurt,  so  he 
rejoined  : 

"  I'll  bet  you  a  dollar  you  can't  prove  that  assertion  !" 

"Oh,  yes,  I  kin,"  retorted  the  Yankee.     "  Put  up  yer  dollar." 

With  this  they  each  placed  a  dollar  note  in  the  hands  of  a 
fellow-passenger  who  had  taken  a  great  interest  in  the  conver- 
sation. When  this  was  done  the  hackman  cried  out  :  "  Now, 
name  the  fruit  and  the  place  where  they  are  raisin'  it  on  this 
line." 

"  Wai,"  exclaimed  the  old  man,  with  a  twinkle  in  his  eye, 
"  ther  raisin  currents — electrical  currents — on  ther  wire  jest 
above  this  car." 

The  passengers  laughed  at  this,  and  the  stakeholder  passed 
over  the  money  to  Uncle  Hank,  who  remarked  as  he  pocketed 
it,  "They  raised  em  daown  in  the  '  Gorge,'  too." 


Not  having  anything  particular  on  hand  as  was  his  wont, 
Uncle  Hank  wandered  into  the  Government  Building  next  day 
and  proceeded  leisurely  to  inspect  its  exhibits. 

The  most  popular  section  of  this  popular  building  was  the 
southeast  corner,  devoted  to  the  Patent  Office.  Then  there 
was  to  be  found  the  electrograph,  the  machine  which  transmits 
pictures  by  wire  ;  the  tel-autograph,  which  enables  you  to 
write  your  signature  ever  so  many  miles  away.  The  voting 
machine,  the  biograph,  and  also  a  very  interesting  demonstra- 
tion of  wireless  telegraphy,  all  of  which  he  scrutinized  closely. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


165 


JIK   OUGHT   TEW   BE   ',  FACTTTN   EM   TEW   WEAR    MORK   CLOTHES   S6'S  TEW   G1V 
TH'   WOOL  TRUST   A   CHANCE"— 


166  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

TN  UNCLE  SAM'S  BUILDING.  He  now  took  time  to  examine  carefully  the  excellent  life- 

like groups  of  Indians  in  a  row  of  glass  cases.  These  groups 
looked  like  wax  figures,  but  they  were  really  cast  in  plaster, 
colored  so  artistically  that  they  simulated  life  to  a  marked 
extent. 

One  group  in  particular  attracted  his  attention.  It  repre- 
sented an  Indian  teaching  a  boy  to  shoot  with  bow  and  arrow, 
and  was  intensely  life-like. 

"  Thet  Injun's  teachin  th'  risin  generashun  tew  use  ther  bow 
an  arrer,"  said  he,  "when  he  ought  tew  be  teachin  em  tew 
wear  more  clothes  so's  tew  give  the  Wool  Trust  a  chance  ter 
earn  bigger  dividends. 

"But,  all  jokin  aside,"  he  continued  to  a  bystander,  "  them's 
the  most  lifelike  figgers  1  ever  see,  fer  I'm  a  grate  beelever  in 
pictures  an  statoos  tew  educate  ther  people.  Naow  look  et 
them  figgers  !  Ye  cud  read  a  hull  book  thru  and  not  git  half 
th'  infermation  frum  et  thet  ye  cud  git  frum  one  glance  et  th' 
figgers  in  them  show  cases." 

The  old  man's  taste  in  such  matters  led  him  to  spend  a 
couple  of  hours  in  this  vicinity,  studying  this  carefully  pre- 
pared exhibit  of  Uncle  Sam's. 

The  tastes  of  visitors  to  the  Exposition  often  differed  very 
materially.  Young  couples  frequently  had  their  first  quarrel, 
and  married  people  fought  like  cats  and  dogs  over  their  likes 
and  dislikes  at  the  show. 

"I  think  you're  horrid  to  compel  me  to  spend  the  whole  day 
looking  at  machinery,"  exclaimed  a  young  miss  to  her  escort, 
"  I'm  tired  of  Machinery  Hall." 

"  Well,  yesterday  we  spent  the  entire  day  looking  at  em- 
broideries and  laces,"  retorted  her  swain. 

cfNow,  Maria!"  exclaimed  a  married  man  to  his  spouse  "I 
won't  stand  fer  this  ;  here  we've  been  all  day  long  nosein 
around  these  jars  ov  pickles,  an  apple  butter,  an  preserves." 

"  Well,"  Hezekiah,  mildly  protested  the  old  lady,  "  it's  real 


AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 


167 


I   THINK   YOU'RE   HORRID   TO   COMPEL   ME  TO  SPEND   THE   WHOLE  DAY 
LOOKING    AT    MACHINERY." 


i6$  AROUND  THE  "PAN." 

INCOMPATIBILITY.         ii>structin,  an  a  sight  better'n  spendin  th'  day  among  them 
rocks  an  stones  in  the  Mining  Buildin  as  we  did  yesterday." 

Just  back  of  Horticultural  Building  stood  two  darkies  from 
Dixieland  engaged  in  a  heated  argument  over  the  merits  and 
demerits  of  their  likes  and  dislikes  in  regard  to  the  different 
exhibits. 

"  I  say,  Deacon  Johnsing,  I'm  done  tired  ob  lookin  at  dem 
Watah-Millyuns  in  dat  Hor-te-cul-suah  Buildin  ;  I  done  radder 
spend  mah  time  lookin  at  de  chickens  in  dem  inkubators,"  ex- 
claimed the  fat  one  of  the  pair,  who  looked  as  if  he  was  an  ex- 
pert in  the  poultry  line.  And  so  the  contention  and  bickering 
woifld  continue  through  all  classes,  and  proved  the  adage  that 
"  what's  one  man's  meat  is  another  man's  poison." 

No  profit  grows  where  no  pleasure's  ta'en  ; 
In  brief,  sir,  study  what  you  most  affect. 

— SHAKESPEARE. 

Fully  two-thirds  of  the  visitors  to  the  Pan-American  Expo- 
sition were  women,  and  to  consider  it  properly,  this  is  not  to  be 
wondered  at.  It  is  fitting  and  proper  that  a  beautiful  Fair 
should  be  patronized  by  the  Fair  Sex. 

The  women  visitors  were  worth  a  study.  There  was  the 
woman  from  the  New  England  States,  who  it  is  commonly 
sspposed  to  be  spectacled  and  excessively  cultured  and  eccen- 
tric ;  tvftt  there  is  no  brighter  or  more  typically  American  girl 
than  the  fair  resident  of  Boston  and  the  adjacent  cities  of  New 
England.  Then  the  Western  girl ;  she  of  the  boundless 
prairies  ;  free  and  buoyant  in  manner  and  speech.  There  is  a 
breeziness  about  the  Western  type  that  seems  born  of  the 
cyclonic  atmosphere  from  which  it  springs. 

And  the  lady  from  the  Sunny  South  ;  she  came  to  the  Ex- 
position like  a  true-born  Southron  ;  she  daintily  tripped  through 
the  choicest  part  of  the  Exposition,  and  then  repaired  to  her 
State  building,  where  she  entertained  her  friends  after  the 


AROUND   THE    "PAN." 


169 


I   DONE  RADDER  SPEN   MAH   TIME  LOOKIN   AT   DE  CHICKENS   IN   DEM   INKUBA 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


THE     EXALTATION      OF 


WOMANKIND    BY 


manner  of  one  accustomed  to  the  purple  of  aristocracy.  But 
after  all  there  is  little  to  distinguish  the  different  localities 
from  which  the  true  American  springs,  as  there  is  a  certain  in- 
dependent air  pervading  all  sections  alike. 

The  Pan-American  Exposition  possesses  many  feminine 
characteristics  in  that  it  is  somewhat  painted  up,  and  it  is 
brilliantly  beje  -veled  in  the  evenings  by  its  myriads  of  electric 
lights.  Furthermore,  by  it  womankind  is  elevated  to  the  high- 
est altitude,  its  highest  pinnacle  being  surmounted  by  a  repre- 
sentative woman — "The  Goddess  of  Light." 

Ould  Nature  swears,  the  lovely  dears 

Her  noblest  work  she  classes,  O  ; 
Her  'prentice  han'  she  tried  on  man, 

An'  then  she  made  the  lasses,  O. 

— BURNS. 

By  chance  Uncle  Hank  strayed  into  the  elegant  building 
erected  by  Chili,  and  his  ears  were  greeted  by  Spanish  words 
so  thick  that  it  sounded  as  if  guttural  r's  were  being  hurled 
from  catapults  through  the  air.  He  bowed  to  several  Chilian 
soldiers  standing  erect,  but  got  no  salute  in  return.  By  mis- 
hap he  stumbled  against  one  of  the  soldiers,  and  to  his  dismay 
discovered  that  they  were  waxwork  figures  dressed  in  the 
military  costume  of  the  Republic  of  Chili. 

"  By  gummy  !"  he  exclaimed,  "them  air  Chillyuns  hev  got 
the  millishye  problem  down  ter  a  bevulled  edge  pint.  They 
ain't  spendin'  money  on  ther  eatin'  army,  but  air  keepin'  up  a 
standin'  waxworks  army  thet  is  mighty  handy  in  retreatin'.*' 

"How  is  that  ?"  queried  a  military-looking  man  near  by. 

"  Wai,  ef  the  enemy  gets  too  hot  the  Chillyun  army  uf  wax- 
work soldiers  kin  melt  away  !" 

The  military  man  grew  red  in  the  face  and  said  : 

"  This  is  trifling  with  a  solid  question.  Besides,  romance 
lingers  around  the  soldier,  for  he  is  the  last  that  is  left  of  the 
valiant  knight  and  the  days  of  chivalry." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.*  171 

"  Uv  kourse,  uv  kourse,"  chimed  in  Uncle  Hank,  "  an'  ther         THE  HOME  GUARD 
way  ther  Chillyun  uses  him,  ther  meltin'  mood  overtuks  him 
quite  oftun.     I'm  stuck  on  these  wax-works  soldiers,  I  kin  tell 
ye,  mister,  an'  my  impressyun  is  tew  deep  for  mere  money- 
sillabulls.     Be  you  a  soldier  or  a  civilyun?" 

"  Sir,  I  am  a  retired  army  officer,  and  I  have  been  fairly  per- 
forated with  bullets,  fighting  for  my  country,  while  you  non- 
combatants  remained  at  home  and  played  politics." 

*'  I  kin'  o'  guess,  then,  thet  you  air  a  purambalashun  sieve, 
an'  kin  venterlate  yerself  jist  enny  time  yerfeel  hot  under  the 
collar,"  pityingly  said  Uncle  Hank. 

"  Es  fer  a  non-combustionable,  maybe  I  be  one.  Ter  hum 
ther  doo  say  thet  I'm  a  bloomin'  targett  fur  any  shafts  thet 
cum  along,  an'  thet  shows  how  poor  a  soldier  I'd  be.  Now,  es 
tew  ther  polerticks.  No  one  ain't  ever  heard  ef  me  opposin' 
the  soldier  morully,  pheesically  or  mentallerly.  Every  relashun 
ov  mine  I've  dun  my  levul  best  ter  get  into  ther  army,  and  aint 
wept  when  they  jined  and  marched  away.  Polerticks  ?  Why, 
ef  ye  did  not  hev  patriots  ter  stay  at  hum  and  git  ther  lagurds 
out  whar  would  ther  army  be  ?  Why,  on  paper,  or  a  kind  of 
waxworks,  gumsherlack  army  that  would  melt  away  insted  of 
being  retirin'  and  perferashun  like  yeself." 

"  Shake,  old  codger,"  said  the  old  soldier.  "  You  are  not  so 
far  wrong  after  all,  and  the  energetic  home  patriot  can  do 
much.  Have  one  with  me  ?" 

"  B'gum,  a  dozen,"  cried  Uncle  Hank  ;  "it  is  the  first  time 
in  this  exposishun  anyone  has  asked  me  ter  be  social  without 
ther  price.  Yer  air  the  soldier  arter  my  own  notion,  an'  yer 
kin  eat  my  roastin'  pertaters  enny  time  ye  call  ter  my  hum." 

They  locked  arms  and  marched  to  a  Bailey  eating  place, 
where  girls  wait  on  you  in  a  hurried  way,  as  if  they  wanted  to 
get  home  early  to  do  some  knitting  or  see  some  beau.  The  old 
soldier  said  politely,  as  they  sat  down  :  "  We  do  not  want  a 
course  dinner,  my  friend,  but  a  good  old-fashioned  home  din- 
ner. How  does  that  strike  you  ?" 


172  .    AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

UNCLE  HANK  DINKS.  "  Naterally,  I  aint  hankerin  fur  koarse  grub  ;  I  kin  git  thet 

enny  day  ter  hum.  I  guess  we'll  do  es  ther  Beeferlonians  do— 
eat  ther  best  thet  is  going  and  leave  the  wurst  fur  ther  stranger 
within  the  gate." 

The  officer  laughed  and  remarked  :  "  You  are  right ;  it  does 
look  as  if  the  strangers  were  not  getting  all  tenderloin  and 
porterhouse,  although  they  pay  for  it.  Please  consult  your 
menu  and  give  your  order  to  the  waitress." 

Uncle  Hank  gazed  at  the  card  and  seemed  puzzled.  The 
w-aitress  asked  :  "  Do  you  wish  vermicelli  soup  ?" 

"Wurmerceller  soup?"  he  ejaculated,  "  nary  a  wurm  fur  me 
in  er  out  o'  my  soup.  I've  heard  tell  o'  the  wurm  o'  ther  still, 
an'  ther  Diet  o'  worms  an'  ther  wurm  thet  turns,  but  the  wurms 
thet  sells — wal,  I  guess  I  aint  goin  ter  buy  it,  not  even  to  git  it 
out  er  my  soup." 

The  waitress  laughed  and  whispered  to  a  passing  companion  : 
"This  old  Ruben  is  nutty." 

"Try  mock  turtle  soup,  Uncle  Hank,"  said  the  officer,  who 
was  enjoying  the  situation. 

"  No  mocker  turtel  soup  fer  me,"  he  answered ;  "  jest  beans 
an'  tater  soup  will  do.  I  aint  eddicated  ter  eat  frogs  and  mud 
tertells  and  the  like.  I  kin  ricollect  whin  I  went  ter  the  cicy 
an  tuk  some  of  ther  fantum  chicken  soup.  It  jist  tasted  like 
salt,  pepper  an'  dish  water.  Wal,  I  was  real  mad,  'cause  they 
tole  me  it  waz  fine,  and  would  tickull  my  plebeeum  palater, 
whatever  thet  may  be.  B'gum,  arter  I  had  swallowed  thet 
mess  I  jist  said  as  how  I  would  like  ter  know  how  they  fixed 
ther  thing  up.  Then  I  waz  tole  thet  fantum  chicken  soup 
were  nothin  but  salt  see- water,  red  pepper  and  ther  fotograff 
uf  a  chicken  thrun  on  it  jist  afore  it  biled.  It  made  me  bilin' 
mad  an'  blamed  me  ef  them  hash-house  oeepul  didn't  almost 
bust  laffing  at  me.  Gully,  but  I  guess  I  got  kind  o'  evun.  I 
jist  sed  I  would  not  let  ther  stuff  pass  my  lips,  and  yer  kin  kal- 
kerlate  I  kep  my  word." 


AROUND  .THE   "  PAN."  173 

"  I  am  glad  that  you  had  the  nerve  to  refuse  phantom  chicken  A  DINNER  AT  BAILEY'S. 
soup.  We  need  men  of  backbone  these  days,  and  you  farmers 
must  come  to  the  front."  The  retired  army  officer  was  a  bon 
vivant,  and,  seeing  that  the  menu  was  Greek  to  Uncle  Hank, 
ordered  a  regular  table  d'hote  dinner.  The  farmer  did  justice 
to  it,  and  the  waitress  who  said  he  was  "nutty"  brought  him  a 
small  green  glass  bowl,  full  of  water,  in  which  he  could  dip  his 
finger,  if  he  desired,  and  wipe  them  off.  The  water  in  the 
bowl  had  a  greenish  hue,  the  color  of  the  glass,  and  Uncle 
Hank  drew  back  and  said  : 

"Now,  young  gal,  yer  kant  git  me,  nary  time  once,  tew 
drink  thet  green  rhubarb  water  ;  I  hev  jist  hed  all  thet  I  can 
ackommodate.  Do  yer  think  I'd  spile  my  dinner  with  thet 
slippery  green  stuff.  Not  while  my  nateral  sinces  remain." 

The  girl  laughed  immoderately,  and  the  retired  officer  smiled 
and  dipped  both  fingers  into  the  bowl.  He  then  wiped  them 
carefully  with  a  napkin. 

"  Sakes  o'  live  !  thet  is  ther  way  sich  green  stuff  aught  ter  * 

be  treated,"  he  gleefully  exclaimed.  "  Ther  soldiers  of  this  yer 
kountry  aint  afreed  o'  green  water,  nur  white  water,  nur  fire 
water!" 

"  Sir,  I'll  give  you  to  understand  that  I  do  not  drink  in  the 
accepted  term  of  the  word,"  sternly  said  the  officer. 

"  Wai,  I'm  glad  ter  knaw  thet  yer  don't  stimerlate  tew  much. 
But  I  met  a  good  lookin'gal  with  a  blew  ribbon,  an  she  tuk 
my  breath  away,  givin  ther  soldier  a  lammer-baskin,  es  she 
called  it.  'They  jist  don't  drink,  no,  not  er  bit,'  she  cried  in 
them  high  top  k^ys  thet  cum  tkro*  th'  nose, 'they  jist  pore!' 
An  golly,  I  waz  thet  happy  thet  I  sed,  '  Them  air  th  biys  fer 
me.  They  take  no  pisen  in  thers,  but  jist  pore  it  out.'  Thet 
gal  giv  me  a  look  thet  wasn't  sweet  an  says  kind  o'  jokin  like  ; 
'Yer  need  a  diagramme,  Uncle,  uf  what  I'm  talkin  about  an' 
a  gardeen.'  Ther  crowd  jined  in  the  laff  and  1  sed:  'Yer 
need  a  husband  ter  hum  an  something  ter  keep  yer  beezy!' 
Ther  crowd  laffed  agin." 


174  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

AN  ORIGINAL  AMKRICAN.  When  Uncle  Hank  and  the  retired  army  officer  separated 

they  were  good  friends,  and  even  the  waitress  kindly  said  : 
"Uncle  Ruben,  you  beat  the  deck." 

After  finishing-  his  repast  Uncle  Hank  wandertd  over  to  the 
Indian  Stockade,  where  he  had  met  Red  Cloud  on  a  former 
visit.  On  that  occasion  he  had  caught  a  glimpse  of  the  unique 
log  cabins,  and  wished  to  investigate  further.  He  was  in  a 
joyous  mood,  as  his  good  dinner  had  made  him  merry  and  at 
peace  with  the  world.  He  expected  to  find  grim  warriors  in 
the  cabins,  but  instead  a  few  Indian  girls,  picturesquely  gowned 
just  as  they  are  on  the  stage,  stood  behind  the  counter  ready  to 
sell  baskets  and  bead  work. 

A  few  old  married  women  sat  around  making  baskets. 

"  Wai,  I  can't  speak  ther  Choctaw  lanqnidge,  young  gal,  and 
I  guess  ther  price  o'  ther  basket  is  ther  price  writ  on  ther 
kerd  ?" 

Uncle  Hank  was  astonished  to  hear  the  Indian  girl  say  in 
good  English  :  "  I  am  not  a  Choctaw  ;  I  am  a  member  of  the 
Iroquois  tribe.  We  speak  English  here." 

"Land  sakes  !  young  gal,"  he  replied,  "yer  handle  the  lan- 
guidge  like  er  nateral  Amerikan." 

"  I  am  an  original  American  and  so  are  my  people,"  she 
said.  "  I  was  graduated  from  a  Philadelphia  school  and  I  have 
read  Cooper's  novels — have  you  ?" 

"  Now  you  hev  me  ;  the  only  Kooper  I  know  hez  a  sider 
press,  an  ef  I  do  say  it,  the  stuff  aint  kalkerlated  to  kill,  fur 
I've  drunk  it  fur  nigh  on  ten  years.  Why  ef  yer  could  sampull 
thet  jooce  it  would  do  yer  young  hart  good  and  make  yer 
think  Koopur  were  sum  shakes. 

"My  Cooper,"  she  responded,  "was  a  man  of  learning  and 
has  written  much  about  the  Indians,  especially  my  tribe.  He 
always  makes  the  white  man  come  out  victorious  though,  no 
matter  how  good  the  Red  men  may  be." 

"  Thet  is  the  way  thet  hiztoory  is  writ,"  replied  Uncle  Hank. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


'75 


Ther  nashun  thet  weals  ther  pen  is  ther  nashun  thet  wins 
ther  battulls.  Histoory  is  writ  for  ther  konqueerors  an  not 
ther  slane.  Larnin  cums  out  fust  ef  ther  is  a  printin  press  in 
sight  and  eny  kin  o'  circulatin  meejum.  Why,  in  my  deestrict 
we  hev  an  editor  thet  hez  a  paper  thet  cums  out  occasionally, 
an  one  day  Deacon  Tucker  hed  a  set  to  with  the  pen  wealder 
an  licked  him  clean  over  a  ten-aker  field.  I  saw  them  fit  my- 
self an  tuk  the  editor  hum,  all  broken  up  !  '  I  aint  licked,  I  aint 
konquered  !'  he  sed  when  he  could  git  in  a  wurd  er  two  'tween 
his  broken  tooths.  I  kind  o'  thought  his  mind  waz  wonderin 
and  sez  I  :  '  No,  yer  aint  licked,  jist  temperarilly  disabulled  !' 
Wai,  he  wazn't  licked,  nuther,  fur  when  his  paper  cum  out  he 
tole  how  ther  deacon  hed  been  smashed  into  mince  meat  an 
how  Uncle  Hank  cum  along  and  tuk  the  editor  hum  ter  keep 
him  frum  killin  ther  deacon.  It  was  ther  histoorian  et  his 
wurk." 

Beneath  the  rule  of  men  entirely  great, 
The  pen  is  mightier  than  the  sword. 

— RICHELIEU. 

The  Indian  saw  that  Uncle  Hank  was  wound  up  and  might 
forget  that  she  had  baskets  to  sell,  so  she  interrupted  him  : 
"  Won't  you  buy  a  basket  to  take  home  ?  Here  is  a  sweet- 
smelling  basket,  made  of  sweet  grass  and  the  odor  is  lasting. 
It  is  only  two  dollaws  and  twenty-five  cents.  Buy  from  an 
Iroquois  girl  ?" 

Uncle  Hank  remembered  that  bargains  are  often  obtained 
by  not  paying  the  first  price  asked,  so  he  replied  :  "  Now,  ef 
yer  hed  one  like  it  fer,  say,  one  an  a  quarter,  I'd  tek  it  purty 
quick.  Haint  got  enny,  I  suppose  ?" 

The  Indian  smiled  sweetly  and  taking  up  the  basket  handed 
it  to  him,  saying  :  "  You  may  have  it  for  one  and  a  quarter 
and  keep  it  to  remember  me." 

He  quickly  paid  over  the  money  and  was  about  to  depart 


THE    PEN    IS    MIGHT]  KR    THAN 


THE    SWORD. 


176  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

UNCLE  HANK  MAKES  A         when  a.  dude  with  his  hair  parted  in  the  middle,  and  his  trousers 

PURCHASE.  turned  up  to  his  ankles,  came  in  and  paid  the  Indian  girl  a 

dollar  for  exactly  the  same  kind  of  basket  that  had  cost  Uncle 

Hank  one  dollar  and  a  quarter.     He  looked  at  the  coy  Indian 

damsel  and  said  : 

"How  is  thet  ?  Yer  make  me  pay  more  then  the  doll  baby 
feller  ?  What  hev  ye  agin  me  ?"' 

"His  basket,"  she  replied,  "had  no  sweet  gr.  ss  in  it  and 
yours  did :  therefore  you  paid  a  quarter  more  for  fragrant  odor." 

"  Wai,  why  didn't  yer  sell  thet  doode  ther  sweet-smellin 
baskett  too  f" 

"Oh,  he  shielt  sweet  enough  without  it!"  she  laughingly 
replied. 

Uncle  Hank  went  away  muttering  something  to  the  effect 
that  he  was  glad  the  Indians  were  on  the  "resoorvashuns " 
and  not  in  business. 

Full  many  a  gem  of  purest  ray  serene, 

The  dark  unfathomed  caves  of  ocean  bear  ; 

Full  many  a  flower  is  born  to  blush  unseen, 
And  waste  its  sweetness  on  the  desert  air. 

—GRAY. 

Straying  into  the  beautiful  building  erected,  by  Canada,  the 
Down  East  Yankee  was  met  by  a  polite  attendant,  and  asked 
if  he  wished  to  see  anything  special.  He  gazed  around  and 
finally  replied : 

"  Kin  yer  show  me  ther  plum  thet  is  jist  about  tew  ripun  ?" 

"  Why,  we  have  no  exhibit  of  plums  ;  Canada  is  not  a  great 
fruit  country,"  was  the  reply.  "  How  did  you  come  to  imagine 
that  our  country  made  a  specialty  of  ripe  plums  ?" 

"  B'gum,  our  Chansey  Depew  sed  some  years  ago  thet  Kan- 
naday  waz  jist  like  er  plum  ripunin  ter  fall  intew  Uncle  Sam's 
hat.  I  jist  wanted  ter  see  ther  plum,  thet  is  all." 

"  That  was  a  figure  of  speech,  a  metaphor,  used  by  a  great 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


177 


orator  and  humorist,"  civilly  answered  the  attendant,  after  -he         DEPEW'S  PLUM. 

had  ceased  to  smile,  "  the  plum  may  never  fall,  that  is,  in  our 

time." 

"  Golly,  ef  we  purlong  ther  time  ther  plum  may  spile  on  ther 
tree,  an'  Uncle  Sam  will  hev  his  hat  ruined,"  responded  the 
hero.  "  You  know  froot  that  is  wind-blown  aint  good,  and 
Kannaday  hed  better  cum  when  she  is  jist  ripened  an  afore 
she  falls  and  smashes.  Yer  know  Uncle  Sam  ain't  goin*  ter 
stand  waitin*  like  a  poor  boy  at  a  cash  auction,  tew  get  wind- 
blown froot.  We  like  yerkountry,  andezz  ye  air  like  our  next- 
door  nayburs  we  hev  a  feller-feelin'  thet  we  could  get  along 
ef  yer  tuk  yer  fence  down  an'  fed  in  ther  same  pasture.  Thin 
we  could  hev  ther  mantel  of  ther  Monroe  pertection  thrun 
around  yer,  an'  sleep  o'  nights  without  bein'  afraid  of  invashun. 
The  Feenyuns  would  not  hev  ther  eyes  on  yer,  an'  yer  would 
not  be  ther  dependant  provense  thet  you'air." 

"I  am  opposed  to  any  kind  of  Union,"  said  the  Canadian. 
"  We  are  good  friends  and  have  commercial  relations  that  are 
most  satisfactory.  It  would  be  treason,  almost,  for  me  to  ad- 
vocate political  union." 

Uncle  Hank  was  not  abashed  at  all,  but  seemed  to  be  think- 
ing. Finally,  he  got  off  this  piece  of  rhyme,  which  astonished 
the  Canadian  : 

Ther  plum  thet  ripuns  on  ther  tree 

Is  better  then  ther  one  thet's  plucked  ; 
Ther  gal  thet's  full  o'  life  an'  glee 

Is  better  than  ther  skold  thet's  ducked  ! 

Oh,  Kanneday,  thet  hat  ez  full, 

Uf  plums  thet  air  not  ripe  a  bit  ; 
So  jist  yer  say  tew  Johnny  Bull, 

We  ain't  a-pluckin  froot,  not  yit ! 

This  broadside  of  rhyme  was  almost  a  solar-plexus  blow  to 
the  patriotic  Canuck.  However,  he  rallied  and  said  :  "  Your  , 


i78 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


ASSIMILATION    PROBLKMS. 


Uncle  Sam  has  plucked  too  much  fruit  already — the  Philippines, 
Porto  Rico,  and  Hawaiian  Islands.  What  do  you  desire  with 
Canada  ?  We  might  have  studied  the  question  of  coming  into 
the  Union,  but  now  you  have  a  mixed  population  and  all  colors, 
so  that  trouble  is  bound  to  follow.  You  have  twelve  million 
negroes  that  in  time  will  be  a  problem.  No  race  that  cannot 
assimilate  with  the  dominant  race  in  a  countr}7  will  ever 
amount  to  anything.  Oil  and  water  will  not  mix.  Our  rule  is 
different,  for  we  have  colonies  and  do  not  wish  any  amalgama- 
tion whatever.  Unless  you  use  your  new  possessions  as  a 
dumping  ground  for  the  negroes,  I  do  not  know  how  you  are 
going  to  solve  the  future.  No,  sir,  Canada  does  not  wish  to 
have  trouble  yet." 

"  Thet's  it,  thet's  it,"  quickly  replied  Uncle  Hank.  "  Ef  I 
aint  a  galootin'  ignoahramuss  yer  bloomin'  kountry  ez-tew 
much  mixed  up  now  :  Injuns,  French,  Cajins,  native  Kanoots, 
Inglish  Kanoots,  Ezquimaw  an'  Hudson  Bay  runners,  all  side 
by  side,  an'  all  growlin'  fer  laws  for  ther  race.  By  ther  time 
all  this  hodger-podger  mess  becomes  one  hommejanus  mass, 
yer  will  be  glad  tew  cnm  into  ther  Republic  tew  find  out  what 
kind  o'  race  you  be.  Ef  yer  argufy  with  me,  b'gum  I'll  quote 
poetry  on  yer." 

This  threat  made  the  Canadian  retreat,  and  when  he  was 
gone  Uncle  Hank  chuckled  :  "  Golly,  that  Kanoot's  kountry  hez 
troubles  uf  its  own.  Each  hum  hez  its  own  miserbullness,  an' 
each  country  its  own,  so  mote  it  be  in  ther  eye." 

A  handsome  building  not  far  from  the  Government  Building 
next  caught  the  eye  of  the  Down-East  Yankee,  and  he  made 
for  it  with  long  strides.  He  longed  to  have  another  argument 
with  a  "furrin  guvermint,"  as  he  expressed  it.  His  set-to  with 
the  Canadian  had  only  whetted  his  appetite,  and  his  firm  belief 
was  that  he  could  make  any  other  country  acknowledge  the 
superiority  of  the  United  States.  When  he  entered  the  build- 
ing he  failed  to  look  and  see  what  government  it  represented. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  179 

He  saw  machinery  going  and  good-looking  girls  busy  at  work         A  LARK  IN  LARKIN'S. 
packing  something   white   and  in  neat  little  ball  packages. 
"  Now,  b'gum,  this  yer  looks  lik  busness,"  he  exclaimed. 

A  man  at  a  counter  said  :  "  Yes  ;  they  kept  things  going  all 
day." 

"  Thet's  good  an  I  lik  tew  see  it,"  chimed  in  Uncle  Hank. 
"I  guess  ther  packagees  uf  State  !" 

The  man  at  the  counter  smiled  and  replied  :  "  Yes  they  are 
used  by  men  of  State,  by  poets  occasionally,  by  beautiful 
women,  and  by  fond  mothers." 

"Ther  great  cry  fur  em  ?"  queried  Uncle  Hank.  "Do  you 
think  I  need  enny  o'  them  packagees? 

"  Indeed,  you  do,  I  am  sure  ;  and  so  will  your  wife,"  was  the 
answer. 

"Yer  think  I'm  a  guvermint  official,  don't  ye?"  chuckled 
Uncle  Hank. 

"  Not  at  all.  But  these  packages  will  do  much  good  and 
make  you  a  different  man." 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  what  air  they  ?  I  would  jist  like  tew 
be  different,  ef  I  could." 

"  They  are  packages  of  soap  !" 

Uncle  Hank  reeled  back,  got  his  breath  and  said,  "  What  air 
yer  foolin  me  for  ?  Aint  this  what  ye  call  kidden  ?" 

"  No,  it's  Larkin  It  is  the  Larkin  Soap  Company  building, 
and  it's  for  home  government.  Government  begins  at  home 
and  so  does  cleanliness." 

"  Wai,  tew  think  that  1  should  hev  stumbled  onto  my  own 
guverment.  Jist  give  me  a  package  an'  I'll  change  ther  face 
o'  darkest  Africa."  Uncle  Hank  got  his  package  and  went 
away  without  the  ambition  to  talk  a  foreign  government  official 
to  a  standstill. 

Uncle  Hank  saw  a  merry  group  of  young  people  in  a  gondola 
that  was  being  slowly  propelled  by  the  picturesque  American 
gondolier. 


i8o  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

A  MERRY  PARTY.  "  Thar  goes  one  ov  them  gondoleers  ;  et's  a  gone  dollar  every 

time  yer  rides  in  one  ov  em." 

As  he  paused  he  heard  one  of  the  young  ladies  softly  hum  : 

Oh,  don't  you  remember  sweet  Alice,  Ben  Bolt, 

Sweet  Alice,  with  hair  so  brown ; 
She  wept  with  delight  when  you  gave  her  a  kiss, 

And  trembled  with  fear  at  your  frown. 

"  Thet  tun  ez  all  right,"  cried  out  Uncle  Hank.  "  But  them 
ther  words  won't  be  doose  high  ter  hum." 

The  merry  party  laughed  and  had  the  gondolier  to  stop. 
One  called  out : 

"What  is  the  matter,  Uncle  Hayseed,  with  the  words?  They 
were  written  by  a  New  Jersey  man,  and  he  has  remained  at 
home  all  day  long." 

"Thet  har  buzness  ez  kirect,"  he  replied.  "But  ef  ye  hev 
anny  wumman  folks  thet  trembnll  et  a  frown  yer  jist  put  her 
in  a  prize  package  an  send  her  tew  me  C.O.D.  I  hev  lived  tew 
kut  my  wisdum  teeth  an  hev  dun  some  frownin  in  my  time,  but 
ez  I  sed,  I  never  saw  a  singull  gal  trembull  et  anny  man's 
frown.  Not  on  yer  nateral  or  negative  life," 

"Mr.  Hayseeder  is  all  right,"  cried  out  a  diminutive  blonde, 
"Jack,  you  might  frown  all  day  and  I  would  go  to  sleep  instead 
of  trembling." 

The  young  man  laughed  and  admitted  the  soft  impeachment. 

"  How  would  you  correct  that  song,  Uncle  Hayseed?"  asked 
a  robust  brunette. 

Uncle  Hank  thought  a  moment  and  said  : 

"  I'm  thinkin  that  this  would  be  more  natcheral  ": 

O,  don't  yer  remember  sweet  Alis,  Ben  Bolt, 

Sweet  Alis  with  har  so  cute ; 
She  danced  with  delight  when  you  gave  her  a  purp, 

An  called  yer  her  own  Tootsy  Wool. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


181 


A    GONK    DOLLAR     EVERY    TIME   YER    RIDES    IN 
ONE   OF   EM." 


^77^ 


182 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


A    YANKEE   STATESMAN. 


"  You  are  not  the  hayseed  guy  that  you  look,"  exciaimed  a 
young  man  in  the  party.  "Why  don't  you  go  around  and  give 
these  small  republics  a  dose  of  homely  wit ;  they  need  it 
sadly." 

"Young  feller,"  answered  the  Yankee,  "I  hev  long  since  had 
my  triulls  and  triberlations,  an  I  aint  hankerin  arter  more  than 
I  kin  carry.  Jist  while  ago  I  tuk  ther  bit  oy  pride  in  my  mouth 
an  started  out  tew  lector  and  argufy  with  ther  differnt  govern- 
ments what  ez  represented  yere,  an  would  yer  believe  me,  I 
got  ther  dirt  ov  conseat  takin  out  ov  me  by  a  soap  factory. 
Went  in  ther  bootiful  structure  with  ther  merlicius  intension  uf 
givin  the  government  officials  a  few  pints  on  how  tew  run 
things.  Never  waited,  but  jist  lit  in,  an'  afore  I  knows  it,  ther 
polite  man  at  ther  govermint  counter  giv  me  rope  and  sed  thet 
govermints  begun  at  hum.  Thet  indooced  me  ter  continue,  an 
jist  imagine  my  feelin  when  the  whole  blamed  thing  turned 
out  to  be  a  soap  factory.  I  wuz  taken  in." 

"  Did  they  take  you  in  and  wash  you,  Uncle  ?"  laughingly 
asked  the  brunette. 

"  I  guess  thet  ther  did,  young  gal.  Ther  conseit  ez  gone 
from  yer  Uncle  Hank  an  he  aint  gun  ter  lectoore  ivery  leetle 
govermint  thet  cums  along  enny  more." 

"Well,  what  will  you  do  then,  Uncle  ?"  they  queried. 

"  I'll  tackul  the  big  governmints  !" 

The  happy  party  in  the  gondola  passed  on,  laughing  heartily 
at  the  Yankee's  idea  of  reforming  his  conceit.  The  former 
gazed  at  the  party  and  soliloquized  :  "  I'd  giv  a  barlow  knife 
ter  be  voung  agin  and  hav  no  care,  no  visyuns  ov  ther  morrer, 
an  nothin  save  ther  bliss  uf  holdin  hands  with  the  purty  young 
gals  nigh  me.  O  bloomin*  youth  !  yer  know  nothin,  an  yit  yer 
feel  ther  wurld  runnin  thro'  yer  hart  and  yer  see  the  biggest 
konquests  in  ther  map  uv  ther  futoore.  Yer  git  up  in  the 
mornin  an  think  ther  wurld  were  made  fer  ye,  and  when  ther 
night  o'  life  cums  yer  know  yer  were  made  for  the  world,  an 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


183 


thet's  ther  story  ov  ther  race."  Uncle  Hank  lighted  a  cigar 
given  to  him  by  the  retired  army  officer,  and  concluded  : 
"  Youth,  ye  air  lik  this  yere  smoke  ;  yer  cum  out  in  big  strong 
puffs,  yer  kurl  a  leetle  and  then  ye  shoot  off  into  ther  wide 
space,  and  then  yer  air  seen  no  more  'cept  in  plaz  off  streaks, 
a  tryin  ter  keep  frum  bein  dissolved  in  ther  clouds." 

One  remarkable  feature  of  the  Exhibits  in  the  Horticulture 
Building  was  the  large  display  of  apples  from  the  previous 
year  in  perfect  condition.  This  achievement  was  accomplished 
by  a  system  of  storage  successfully  tried  at  the  Omaha  Exposi- 
tion, and  brought  to  perfection  at  the  Pan-American  Exposi- 
tion. 

The  apples  were  wrapped  closely  in  oiled  paper,  and  then 
in  an  additional  wrapping  of  common  paper.  They  were  then 
packed  as  tightly  as  possible  in  barrels  and  stored  in  a  ware- 
house, where  the  temperature  was  kept  at  thirty-five  degrees. 
The  double  wrapping  gave  to  each  apple  a  practically  air-tight 
cell,  keeping  the  apple,  and  preventing,  in  case  of  decay,  any 
possibility  of  the  decayed  fruit  injuring  those  packed  around 
it.  The  apples  were  a  source  of  great  wonderment  to  Uncle 
Hank,  as  they  were  also  to  many  another  visiting  farmer. 

"  Thet's  a  most  wonderful  thing  to  me,"  he  exclaimed  on 
•beholding  them,  "haow  they  keep  them  apples  a  hull  year  in 
sech  good  condition  ;  I've  often  seed  applejack  kep'  a  year,  but 
never  apples.  This  be  a  great  show." 

Some  manufacturers  may  consider  money  spent  in  display- 
ing their  wares  at  these  great  Fairs  is  not  a  very  paying  invest- 
ment, but  the  Boards  of  Trade  of  leading  California  cities  do 
not  think  so.  They  have  found  that  such  exhibits  bring  most 
satisfactory  results.  They  expend  time  and  money  in  prepar- 
-ing  attractive  and  comprehensive  exhibits,  and,  having  done  it 
all  so  many  times,  they  know  how  to  secure  the  best  results  ; 
consequently  California  is  shipping  two  and  a  half  as  many 
oranges  this  year  as  were  shipped  at  the  time  of  the  World's 
Fair  at  Chicago. 


ALLURING   YOUTH. 


1 84 


AROUND   THE   "PAN/ 


SOMK   FISH    STORIES. 


And  not  only  in  fruits  does  California  excel.  Its  supremacy 
is  also  shown  in  an  exhibit  of  fish  from  Santa  Catalina,  the 
well-known  island  resort  near  Los  Angeles.  This  is  the  land, 
or  rather  water,  of  true  fish  stories  that  seem  to  put  Baron 
Munchausen  to  shame.  A  black  sea  bass  exhibited  weighing 
three  hundred  and  eighty  four  pounds  had  been  caught  with 
rod  and  reel,  and  the  stories  of  catching  the  leaping  tuna  re- 
late that  as  long  as  seven  hours  had  been  spent  in  landing  one 
of  these  fish,  but  these,  being  fish  stories,  must  be  taken  with  a 
grain  of  salt. 

As  Uncle  Hank  crossed  the  Triumphal  Bridge  he  encoun- 
tered one  of  the  many  shrewd  boys  who  earn  a  livelihood  by 
selling  g^uide  books  on  the  grounds.  Occasionally  the  boy 
would  call  out :  "Guide  books.  You'll  be  guyed  if  you  don't 
buy  a  guide  book!  Every  guy  needs  a  guide  book  !"  and 
similar  "  aphorisms." 

As  a  judge  of  human  nature  he  was  unsurpassed.  Noticing 
the  approach  of  a  young  couple,  who,  he  judged,  were  lately 
married,  he  approached  them  with  the  inquiry  :  "  Can  I  sell 
you  a  guide  "book?"  On  receiving  a  negative  reply  he  ex- 
claimed :  "  You  can't  show  the  lady  the  show  without  a  guide 
book.  I  know  the  lady  wants  you  to  get  one." 

This  had  the  desired  effect.  The  allusion  to  a  possible  want 
of  one  who  was  so  dear  to  him  was  too  much  for  the  fond 
young  husband  and  he  succumbed.  He  then  turned  his  atten- 
tion to  Uncle  Hank,  but  soon  found  that  he  had  a  hard  nut  to 
crack,  but  he  cracked  it. 

"  Uncle,  you  need  a  guide,"  was  his  first  salutation. 

"  Young  man,  you  air  tew  presumpshous.  Me  need  a  guide  ?" 
and  he  drew  himself  up  to  his  full  height  and  looked  disdain- 
fully at  the  boy. 

"Well,  Uncle,  if  ye  had  one  of  these  guide  books  ye  could 
do  the  fair  in  half  the  time  ;  it  shows  ye  where  the  'lectric 
tower  is,  an'  where  to  find  The  Staydum,  and  tells  ye  how  to 


AROUND   THE   ''PAN." 


"EVERY   GUY   NEEDS   A   GUIDE   BOOK!" 


1 86 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


OUTWITTED. 


get  ahead  of  a  Yankee."  At  this  the  old  man  cocked  up  his 
ears. 

"  What's  that  ?"  he  inquired.  "  Thet  book  tells  yeh  how  tew 
git  ahead  of  a  Yankee,  do  it?" 

"  That's  what  I  said." 

"  Wai,  ef  yeh  kin  show  me  that  in  th'  book  I'll  buy  a  copy." 

"Gimme  yer  quarter  and  I'll  show  it  ter  ye  in  th'  book." 

Uncle  Hank  passed  over  the  quarter  and  the  shrewd  salesman 
opened  the  book  at  an  advertising  page  and  pointed  out  the 
advertisement  of  a  plaster  modeling  firm  offering  to  sell  plaster 
casts  and  busts  of  prominent  men,  among  whom  the  name  of 
Daniel  Webster  was  most  prominent,  and  as  he  pointed  his 
finger  at  this  name  he  exclaimed,  "  If  yeh  want  to  get  ahead 
of  a  Yankee  buy  that  one  :  it  was  a  good  Yankee  head  in  its 
time." 

Uncle  Hank  was  beaten. 

"  Wai,  sonny,"  he  exclaimed,  "  ye  got  me  thet  time,  an  I  don't 
mind  acknowledgin  et.  Dan  Webster  waz  a  mighty  good 
Yankee  in  his  time." 

He  now  proceeded  leisurely  across  the  Plaza  toward  Music 
Temple,  which  was  filled  with  morbid  curiosity  seekers.  After 
the  shooting  of  President  McKinley  the  guards  had  all  they 
could  do  to  prevent  the  entire  building  being  carried  off 
by  souvenir  seekers,  and. had  the  authorities  of  the  Exposition 
been  so  inclined  they  could  easily  have  obtained  an  admission 
fee  from  thousands  of  people  wishing  to  see  the  spot  where 
the  President  was  shot.  After  listening  to  the  big  organ  for 
an  hour  or  so,  he  thought  he  would  seek  a  new  diversion. 

Adjoining  Music  Temple  is  Machinery  Building,  to  which 
Uncle  Hank  repaired.  As  he  entered  he  observed  :  "Frum  th' 
Moosic  Temple  to  Mashinery  Buildin  is  but  a  step.  I've  bin 
listenin  tew  th'  moosic  in  Moosic  Temple  ;  naow  I'll  give  an 
ear  tew  th'  moosic  ov  runnin  mashinery,  the  sweetest  moosic 
in  th'  world  tew  me." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  187 


NAOW,    I'LL  GIVE   AN   EAR  TEW  TH'   MOOSIC   OV   RUNNIN   MASHINERY,    THB 
SWEETEST   MOOSIC   IN   TH*    WORLD  TBW   MB." 


i88 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


A   THING   OF   LIFE 


"Aint  they  beauties,"  he  exclaimed  as  he  walked  around 
the  powerful  stationary  engines  that  furnish  the  power  for  the 
exhibition.  "  They  move  like  livin  beins  ;  ye'd  actually  think 
they  waz  alive,  they  work  so  intelligently.  Jest  look  et  thet 
piston  rod;  like  a  giant's  arm,  an  it  never  gits  tired,  an  thet 
big  fly  wheel,  it  never  shirks  its  work,  nor  growls,  nor  strikes  : 
onless  yer  neglect  ter  giv  it  ile,  an  then  it's  like  all  workers,  et 
refuses  tew  work." 

It  was  now  quite  dark  and  he  resolved  to  see  the  Illumina- 
tion of  the  Buildings  before  he  left  the  grounds. 

As  thousands  of  electric  lights  slowly  brightened  until  a 
magnificent  glow  of  light  pervaded  the  entire  Exposition 
grounds  he  could  restrain  his  enthusiasm  no  longer. 

"It's  th"  most  beautiful  sight  in  th' world,"  he  exclaimed. 
"  Ther  Pan-Ameriky  desarves  undyin  fame  fer  sech  a  mag- 
nificent specktacle." 

"  It's  all  right !"  remarked  a  bystander.  This  commonplace 
expression  when  uttered  with  a  certain  emphasis  carries  a 
world  of  meaning. 

"  It's  all  right !"  he  repeated  in  a  tone  that  carried  conviction. 

"  Et's  all  right!"  responded  Unc1e  Hank.  "  Et's  enuf  tew 
arouse  ther  jealousy  of  ther  stars  in  th'  firmament." 

And  after  spending  some  time  in  its  silent  contemplation  he 
slowly  wended  his  way  to  the  exit. 


The  next  day  Uncle  Hank  concluded  to  take  a  look  at  the 
"Free  Midway"  just  outside  the  grounds  of  the  Exposition. 

Just  opposite  the  entrance,  a  wild  Western  mining  town 
celebrity,  styling  himself  Cheyenne  Joe,  had  a  cabin  fash- 
ioned after  the  style  in  vogue  in  mining  communities,  in 
which  he  dispensed  various  beverages  of  more  or  less  poison- 
ous qualities ;  to  attract  votaries  he  had  emblazoned  the  walls 
of  the  aforesaid  cabin  with  strangely  worded  devices  which 


AROUND   THE    "PAN."  189 


ETS  ENUF  TEW   AROUSE  THER  JEALOUSY  OF  THER  STARS  IN   TH1   FIRMAMENT. 


190 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


THE  UFI-.-SAVING         carried  double  meanings,  very  amusing  to  the  initiated  :  one 
EXHIBITION.  in  particular  attracted  Uncle  Hank's  attention.     It  occupied  a 

prominent  place  on  the  wall  and  read  as  follows  : 


If  Drinking  Interferes  with 

Your  Business, 
Give   Up    Your  Business. 


This  was  too  much  for  Uncle  Hank,  who  remarked  to  the 
attendant  behind  the  bar : 

"  Young  man,  ye'd  better  take  daown  thet  sign.  It's  well 
understood  among  men  ov  your  craft  thet  a  wi.-.e  man  never 
drinks  behind  ther  bar  so  ye'd  better  giv  up  yer  bizness  er 
take  daown  yer  sign." 

"  The  Life  Saving  Crew  will  give  an  exhibition  on  the  lake  J" 
bawled  a  brawny  one-armed  man,  in  a  stentorian  voice 
through  a  megaphone.  And  from  all  sections  of  the  grounds 
streamed  crowds  of  sightseers  toward  the  lake  to  witness  one 
of  the  most  interesting  sights  of  the  Exposition. 

Among  the  first  to  arrive  at  the  Life  Saving  Station  was 
Uncle  Hank,  who  immediately  familiarized  himself  with  the 
mechanism  of  the  life  saving  apparatus,  his  inquisitive  spirit 
soon  putting  him  on  familiar  terms  with  the  crew. 

"  I  say,  Uncle,"  cried  one,  "  we're  short  a  man  to-day  ;  how 
would  you  like  to  take  part  in  the  drill  ?"  This  was  said  banter- 
ingly,  and  with  no  expectation  that  its  offer  would  be  accepted, 
but  Uncle  Hank  was  equal  to  the  emergency  and  readily 
accepted  the  invitation.  It  was  then  suggested  that  he  should 
be  furnished  with  a  uniform,  but  at  this  he  demurred.  It  was 
finally  decided  that  he  should  play  the  part  of  rescued  passen- 
ger on  the  wrecked  vessel,  and  the  crew  to  perform  the  part  of 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


191 


"  YK'D    BETTER    GIV    UP   YER    KIZNKSS    ER   TAKE    DAOWN    YER    SIGN." 


i92  AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 

UNCLK  HANK'S  ADVENTURK.  rescue  by  means  of  the  breeches  buoy.  After  drilling  him 
thoroughly  in  his  part  he  was  directed  to  the  dock. 

Then  he  was  rowed  out  to  a  stationary  mast  in  the  centre  of 
the  lake,  where  he  was  given  directions  in  regard  to  the  work- 
ing of  the  life  saving  device. 

He  afterward  explained  his  adventure  to  a  bystander  who 
had  witnessed  his  exploit. 

"  Wai,  fust  I  clumb  up  ter  th'  top  ov  ther  mast,  an'  jest  ez  I 
got  ter  th'  yard-arm  I  pertended  tew  slip — and  then  th'  folks 
on  shore  giv  a  scream,  but  I  giv  'em  th'  laff.  Then  I  grabbed 
holt  ov  ther  britches  boy,  and  fastened  my  carpet  bag  an'  um- 
brelly  into  it  ,an'  pretended  to  git  in,  but  I  jest  slipped  thru' 
an'  away  went  th'  '  boy '  with  my  prechns  bag  an'  umbrelly, 
an'  I  jist  laffed  till  my  sides  aked.  An'  when  they  sent  back 
th'  '  boy  '  T  got  in  an'  waved  my  hat  at  ther  crowds,  an'  they 
cheered  as  I  slid  along  ther  cable  rope  tew  safety." 

And  he  chuckled  as  he  related  his  adventure. 

The  next  thing  on  the  programme  was  the  rescue  of  a 
drowning  man. 

This  act  was  very  cleverly  done.  A  presumably  awkward 
man  rowed  out  to  the  middle  of  the  lake,  and,  in  his  clumsy 
handling  of  the  oars,  he  managed  to  upset  the  boat  and 
plunged  into  the  water  head  first.  In  his  downward  plunge  he 
'comically  spluttered  about,  alternately  sticking  his  leg  up  in 
the  air  and  throwing  his  hands  above  his  head  in  such  a  man- 
ner as  to  elicit  roars  of  laughter  from  the  crowds  on  the  shore, 
who  quite  readily  perceived  that  the  man,  being  an  expert 
swimmer,  was  in  no  danger.  In  the  meantime  the  life-saving 
crew  reached  the  drowning  man.  On3  of  the  crew  made  a 
quick  dive  as  the  drowning  man  sank  for  the  third  time,  and  in 
a  few  minutes  he  was  in  the  hands  of  the  crew,  who  imme- 
diately pulled  for  shore  and  applied  the  usual  methods  of 
resuscitation. 

After  witnessing  with  great  interest  the  rest  of  the  exhibi- 


AROUND   THE   "PAN 


THEY   CHEERfcD   AS   I   SLID   ALONG   THER   CABLE   ROPE   TEW   SAFETY. 


194 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


GREEK  MEETS  GREEK.  tion,  which  consisted  mainly  of  lifeboat  practice,  Uncle  Hank 
declared  the  Life-Saving  Crew  deserving-  of  great  praise,  "  be- 
cos  when  them  temperance  folks  gits  control  ov  ther  country 
they'll  deluge  us  with  cold  water  an'  then  we'll  look  tew  th' 
Life  Savers  tew  save  us  frum  a  watery  grave." 

Having  heard  at  the  life-saving  station  that  a  namesake  of 
his,  Captain  Slocum,  and  his  schooner  "  Spray"  were  moored  a 
short  distance  below,  he  lost  no  time  in  making  his  way  to  the 
famous  little  craft.  The  Captain  proved  to  be  a  keen-eyed 
Yankee  skipper,  with  both  of  his  keen  eyes  wide  open  to  what- 
ever pecuniary  benefit  might  accrue  to  the  fame  of  having 
sailed  single-handed  around  the  world. 

The  doughty  skipper  stood  at  the  gangway  and  did  quite  a 
thriving  business  in  collecting  silver  coin  as  souvenirs  from 
the  myriads  of  visitors  who  wished  to  inspect  his  famous 
craft. 

"  I  berlieve  this  be  Captain  Slocum  ?"  interrogated  Uncle 
Hank,  as  he  extended  his  hand  for  a  shake. 

"  That's  me,"  responded  the  Captain. 

"Wai,  I'm  yer  namesake,  Henry  Slocum,  an'  I've  cum  ter 
look  et  yer  craft." 

"  Ah,  indeed  !     Ten  cents,  please." 

The  similarity  of  name  did  not  save  our  hero  the  fee,  and 
after  a  little  preliminary  search  he  succeeded  in  finding  a  dime, 
which  he  passed  over  to  his  frugal  brother  Yankee  and  passed 
aboard  the  vessel. 

"  So  ye  sailed  round  th'  world  in  this  craft  ?" 

"  Yes ;  over  forty  thousand  miles  and — alone.  Come  down  into 
the  cabin  and  I'll  show  you  some  of  the  curious  things  I  picked 
up  in  the  South  Sea  Islands." 

And  the  two  repaired  to  the  hatchway  and  descended  to  the 
cabin  below,  where  the  Captain  displayed  his  trophies  in  the 
shape  of  boomerangs,  war  clubs,  primitive-looking  knives  and 
guns,  which  Uncle  Hank  inspected  curiously. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


"95 


"I   SEE   YOU  CUBEANS   AIR   FAST   LARNIN   AMERIK1N   WAYS. 


i96 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


THE   AMERICAN   CIGARETTE. 


"Wai,  et  waz  a  long  trip  an  a  lonely  one  ;  but  I  see  ye've 
made  a  perty  good  port  et  last,"  and  he  winked  at  the  Captain 
as  he  noticed  the  crowds  of  visitors  depositing  dimes  at  the 
gangway. 

He  now  resolved  to  spend  a  little  time  in  investigating  the 
Cuban  Building  which  was  close  at  hand.  As  he  approached 
the  structure  he  encountered  a  dark,  swarthy-looking  man  who 
was  unquestionably  a  Cuban. 

"  Be  thet  ther  Cubean  Buildin  ?"  he  inquired. 

"  Zat  ess  ze  Cooba  palazzio,"  politely  answered  the  Cuban. 

"  I  reckon  yer  from  Cuby  ?" 

"Yes,  I  am  from  ze  gem  of  ze  Anteeles." 

As  the  pair  approached  the  building  the  Cuban  pulled  out  a 
package  of  American  Trust  Cigarettes  and  proceeded  to  light 
one. 

"  I  see  you  Cubeans  air  fast  larnin  Amerikin  ways,"  remarked 
Uncle  Hank  as  he  observed  this.  The  Cuban  smiled  at  this 
sally,  and  he  replied  that  cigarettes  were  better  suited  to  hot 
climates  than  were  strong  cigars  or  pipes. 

"I  reckon  yer  right,"  retorted  Uncle  Hank.  "We  think  so, 
too,  fer  we  consine  em  tew  th'  hottest  climate  we  know  ov,  by- 
jiminy." 

The  Cuban  Exhibit  was  made  up  of  a  multitude  of  Exhibits 
in  which  tobacco,  cigars,  rum  and  sugar  formed  the  princi- 
pal features.  This  combination  places  Cuba  in  the  front  rank 
in  the  opinion  of  connoiseurs  and  renders  her  position  a  most 
enviable  one.  With  these  commodities  she  can  easily  captivate 
Uncle  Sam,  who  has  always  been  noted  for  having  a  decided 
taste  for  the  good  things  of  the  world  and  who  in  the  near 
future  will  in  addition  to  throwing  the  cloak  of  the  Monroe 
Doctrine  around  her  shapely  shoulders,  take  her  to  his  heart 
and  make  her  one  of  his  beloved  daughters  by  adoption. 

The  Cuban  Cigar  Exhibit  was  a  most  complete  one  and  em- 
braced cigars  of  every  conceivable  shape,  style  and  color.  It 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


197 


proved  a  rare  opportunity  for  Connecticut  and  Pennsylvania         IMPORTED  FENNSYIVANIAS. 
cigar   manufacturers   to  pirate  genuine    Havana   names  and 
designs  for  their  unexcelled  brands  of  cabbage  leaf  campaign 
cigars. 

Verily,  the  Pan-American  Exposition  was  a  great  educator. 
A  genuine  Pennsylvania  Cigar  will  smell  as  fragrant  by  a  stolen 
Havana  name  as  by  any  other  appellation,  and  sell  for  a  great 
deal  more  money. 

Uncle  Hank  being  a  great  lover  of  the  weed  was  unable  to 
remain  long  in  this  part  of  the  building,  as  the  display  of  real 
Havanas  made  his  mouth  water,  and  as  they  were  securely 
fastened  in  glass  cases,  and  no  samples  given  out,  he  beat  a 
hasty  retreat. 

The  Cuban  building  was  crowded  with  Cubans,  this  being 
their  opening  day.  With  characteristic  slowness,  they  were 
among  the  last  to  be  ready  for  exhibition,  and  in  the  words  of 
Mark  Twain  : 

"They  never  put  off  till  to-morrow  what  they  can  do  the  day 
after  to-morrow  just  as  well,"  while  in  the  most  pressing  matters 
"Manana"  is  their  watchword.. 

Defer  not  till  to-morrow  to  be  wise, 
To-morrow's  sun  to  thee  may  never  rise. 

— CONGREVE. 

"They  need  a  little  Yankee  blood  down  thar,"  exclaimed 
Uncle  Hank  on  observing  their  tardiness.  "  Hustle  ez  a  good 
word,  a  heap  sight  bettern  Manany." 

But  what  they  lacked  in  push  was  amply  made  up  in  polite- 
ness, and  this  was  particularly  noticeable  in  their  anxiety  to 
make  their  visitors  feel  at  ease.  A  group  of  American  girls 
surrounded  a  handsome-looking  exhibitor  from  Havana  who 
was  explaining  the  features  of  a  large  relief  plan  of  the  city 
and  harbor  of  Havana.  He  was  exceedingly  polite  and  affable 
and  plainly  showed  his  admiration  for  everything  American. 


198 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


LATIN   LEAVEN. 


"Ze  Americane  capture  ze  heart  of  Cooba,  our  girls  now 
dress  like  Americaine  girls;  in  ze  dance — no  more  Fandango 
—now  dance  two-step — ze  young  Senorita  now  make  ze  hair 
up  Americaine — so — "  and  he  pointed  to  the  pompadour  style 
of  hair-dressing  of  a  pert  miss  standing  by. 

His  manner  was  so  affable  and  his  gesticulations  so  graceful 
that  he  completely  captivated  the  young  ladies,  and  one  went 
so  far  as  to  express  a  wish  that  she  would  be  enabled  at  some 
future  day  to  make  a  visit  to  Cuba. 

"It's  so  romantic,"  she  exclaimed,  "with  their  barred  win- 
dows and  vine-covered  balconies.  What  an  ideal  country  for 
Romeos  and  Juliets,"  and  the  romantically  inclined  miss  but 
echoed  the  sentiments  of  the  rest. 

Perhaps  the  infusion  of  a  little  of  this  artistic  and  poetic 
Latin  blood  may  eventually  serve  to  somewhat  soften  the  harsh 
matter-of-fact,  money-chasing  spirit  of  the  American  character 
as  it  is  now  constituted. 

A  drainless  shower 

Of  light  is  poesy,  'tis  the  supreme  of  power, 
'Tis  might  half  slumbering  on  its  own  right  arm. 

—KEATS. 

The  closer  one  studied  the  Cuban  exhibit  the  more  interest- 
ing it  became.  The  Fine  Art  display  was  certainly  a  very 
creditable  one,  the  evidences  of  Parisian  Art-School  education 
being  very  apparent.  One  of  the  cherished  exhibits  in  the 
Cuban  building  was  a  very  fine  death  mask  of  Napoleon,  the 
only  authentic  one  in  the  world,  it  was  claimed.  The  great 
Corsican's  features  were  minutely  reproduced  in  the  plaster, 
completely  devoid  of  the  idealization  indulged  in  by  the  vari- 
ous painters  who  have  essayed  to  represent  the  great  military 
genius  in  the  many  historical  paintings  in  which  he  has  figured; 
and  one  in  looking  at  it  could  not  refrain  in  commenting  on 
the  fact  that  this  wonderful  mask  showed  the  true  Napoleon 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  199 

as  he  had  existed  in  life.     On  close  examination  it  showed  his         A  LIFE-LIKE  DEATH  MASK. 

forehead  to  have  been  wonderfully  well  developed.     His  nose 

was  decidedly  aquiline  and  prominent,  as  befitted  a  conqueror, 

his  cheek  bones  were  very  high,  and  his  chin  and  jaws  very 

strong. 

Uncle  Hank  gazed  at  it  long  and  curiously,  and  finally  ven- 
tured the  opinion  that  "et  waz  sartinly  ther  most  life-lite 
death  mask  he  ever  saw." 

From  Fair  Japan  there  emerges  every  afternoon  a  huge 
papier-mache  monstrosity  supposed  to  represent  the  Great 
Evil  Spirit.  This  hideous  imitation  of  a  dragon  was  supposed 
to  inspire  fear  in  all  beholders  (in  Japan). 

Uncle  Hank  eyed  it  curiously  for  a  few  minutes  and  then 
blurted  out  :  "Thet's  supposed  tew  be  a  demon  tew  frighten 
folks.  Wai,  we  hev  th'  same  kind  in  this  country,  only  we  call 
em  Trust  Octopusses  ;  they  take  em  down  tew  Wall  Street,  Nu 
York  ;  an  corner  em  ;  an  bust  em  up  ;  an  then  th1  hull  street 
haz  a  panic.  We  laff  et  ther  delusions  ov  far-off  people,  but 
we're  jist  ez  foolish." 

"  Thar's  a  monstroserty  daown  tew  Nu  York  thet's  jest  ez 
terrifyin,  an  does  a  heap  sight  more  damidge  then  eny  demon 
they  hev  in  Japan,"  remarked  Uncle  Hank  to  a  fat  man  stand- 
ing by. 

"  Is  that  so  ?" 

"  Yas ;  et's  growl  ez  terribul,  an  ther  peepul  seems  ter  be 
afeard  ov  ther  broot,"  continued  Hank.  "  Et  feeds  in  pool 
rooms,  dives,  an  gamblin  haouses." 

"  Oh !  You  refer  to  the  Tammany  Tiger  ?"  exclaimed  the 
fat  man. 

"  Thet's  et,"  responded  Hank.  "  A  gay  old  sport  livin  over 
in  England  owns  him." 

"  You  mean  Dick  Croker,  do  you  not?"  inquired  the  fat  man. 

"Thet's  him,"  replied  our  hero.  "An  et's  erstonishin  thet  er 
free  an  enlightened  peepul  cud  be  bamboozled  by  sech  trans-  . 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


'  THET'S  SUPPOSED  TEW  BE  A  DEMON  TKW  FRIGHTEN  FOLKS." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


parent  frauds  ez  Dick  Croker  an'  ther  like,  in  this  twentieth 
centsury.     By  crackee,  et's  entirely  beyond  my  understandin." 

Can  tyrants  but  by  tyrants  conquered  be, 
And  freedom  find  no  champion  and  no  child, 

Such  as  Columbia  saw  arise  when  she 

Sprung  forth  «  Pallas  armed  and  undefiled? 

Or  must  such  minds  be  nourished  in  the  wild? 
Deep  in  the  unpruned  forest,  midst  the  roar 

Of  cataracts  where  nursing  Nature  smiled 

On  infant  Washington  ?     Has  Earth  no  more 

Such  seeds  within  her  breast  or  Europe  no  such  shore  ? 

—BYRON. 

It  was  not  only  Uncle  Hank  who  saw  the  funny  side  of  the 
Pan-American  Exposition. 

Reclining  on  a  bank  bordering  the  beautiful  canal  were  two 
sons  of  Erin  discussing  the  sights  of  the  Exposition. 

"  Fwhat's  th'  buildin  yondher,  Pat  ?" 

"  Mine." 

"  Yourn  ! — faith  it  is  no*." 

"Oi  sed  th'  Mine  Buildin." 

"  Fwhat  koind  av  mines  ?" 

"  All  koinds.  It's  there  they  shows  how  they  make  goold  out 
av  rocks." 

"  An  th'  Copper  Mines  where  they  gits  th'  cops  frum." 

And  so  they  railed  at  each  other  as  only  witty  sons  of  the 
Emerald  Isle  can  do. 

The  many  statues  abounding  throughout  the  Fair  Grounds 
were  a  never-ceasing  source  of  interest  to  visitors.  A  ragged 
"  Hobo  "  was  wandering  aimlessly  when  his  attention  was  sud- 
denly arrested  by  the  group  entitled  "AGRICULTURE."  He 
scratched  his  head,  and  then,  after  some  moments  of  study,  he 
exclaimed  :  "  I  dunno  what  the  name  of  that  stature  is,  but  I 
know  wot  it  oughter  be.  It  oughter  be  called  'WORK.'" 
And  then,  to  show  his  contempt  for  what  he  thought  the  theme 


THE   TIGER. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


"  IT  S   THEKE    THEY    SHOWS    HOW    THEY    MAKE    GOOUD    OUT    OV    ROCKS. 

"AN'  TH'  COPPER  MINES  WHERE  THEY  GIT  TH'  CUPS  FRUM." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


203 


selected  by  the  sculptor  he  deliberately  stretched  himself  out 
on  the  bench  at  the  base  of  the  group,  and  in  a  few  minutes 
was  completely  lost  in  slumber,  thus  emphasizing  the  fact  that 
he  was  not  afraid  of  work — not  he.  He  could  lie  down  and  go 
to  sleep  right  alongside  of  it. 

Another  statue  caught  Uncle  Hank's  fancy  and  criticism  at 
the  same  time.  It  represented  a  group,  the  central  figure  of 
which  was  a  bear  standing  upright  holding  in  his  paws  the  car- 
case of  a  deer.  It  was  entitled  "ANIMAL  WEALTH."  This  was 
too  much  for  him. 

"Ther  central  figger  ov  that  statoo  ought  tew  hev  been  a 
hog.  Hogs  represent  wealth  in  this  country.  Them  statoos  is 
all  right,  an'  ye  can't  run  an  exhibition  without  'em,  but  they 
sumtimes  gits  'em  up  wrong.  Sum  ov  'em  ez  jest  right,  how- 
ever. Now  over  yonder,  that's  a  statoo  ov  ther  hungriest- 
lookin'  lion  I  ever  see,  an'  he's  lookin'  right  inter  ther  resta- 
rant ;  naow  thet's  ther  right  way  to  place  'em/'  and  he  winked 
at  the  guard  standing  at  his  elbow,  smiling  at  his  quaint 
remarks. 

"  Did  you  see  the  statue  of  the  Indian  hunter  ?"  asked  the 
guard. 

"  Yas  ;  I  seen  it,  an'  I  thot  et  th'  time  et  waz  the  most  sen- 
sible way  tew  use  Injuns.  General  Sheridan  once  sed  :  'The 
only  good  Injun  waz  a  dead  Injun,  an',  thinks  I,  the  next  best 
Injun  is  a  statoo  Injun  ;  an'  after  all  the  Injuns  is  gone  we'll 
hev  'em  in  statoos  jest  like  ther  Bufflers  ;  ye  notis  they're  all 
wiped  out,  an'  now  th'  hull  Exposition  ez  scattered  with  Buf- 
fler  statoos." 

And  he  waved  his  umbrella  at  several  of  the  sculptured 
forms  of  the  Buffalo  with  which  the  Exposition  abounded. 

"  But,  all  joakn'  aside,"  continued  Uncle  Hank,  "  I  believe  in 
good  statoos.  We  wait  till  a  great  pote  like  Poe  almost  dies  of 


A  SCULPTUREB   MISFIT. 


204 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


"  ANI>   IN   A  FEW   MINUTES   WAS  COMPLETELY   LOST   IN   SLUMHBR,    THUS   EMPHASIZING 
THE  FACT  THAT  HE  WAS   NOT   AFRAID   OF  WORK." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


205 


starvation,  and  when  he's  dead  and  gone  we  take  a  sum  of 
money  thet  would  hev  made  him  independent  rich  an'  put  it  in 
a  statoo  ov^r  him,  an  then  some  of  ther  statoos  is  sech  carica- 
turs  thet  et  only  adds  insult  tew  injoory. 

"  If  George  Washington  had  knowed  how  he  waz  goin  tew 
look  in  some  ov  th'  statooz  he  wud  hev  throwed  up  th'  job  ov 
bein  Father  ov  his  Country." 

•'  But  you  must  remember  that  in  ancient  Greece  they  made 
much  of  statuary,"  retorted  the  guard,  "  and  it  is  by  their 
beautiful  works  of  art  that  we  now  chiefly  remember  them. 
What  would  Rome,  the  Eternal  City,  be  without  its  noble 
sculptured  piles  ?  I  will  quote  you  a  few  lines  by  the  greatest 
sculptor  that  Rome  ever  produced — Michael  Angelo — 

"  As  when,   O  lady  mine, 
With  chiselled  touch 
The  stone  unhewn  and  cold 
Becomes  a  living  mould 
The  more  the  marble  wastes, 
The  more  the  statue  grows." 

"  Thet's  all  rite,"  responded  Uncle  Hank,  "fer  old  nations  ; 
but  this  ez  a  young  nation,  an'  our  peepul  ez  bizzier  puttin'  up 
piles  ov  money  bags  than  et  ez  in  puttin'  up  skulpter  piles,  an" 
fer  th'  present  I  reckon  we'll  hev  tew  git  along  th'  best  we  kin 
with  th'  distorted  statoos  ov  Washinton,  Shakespeer,  Linken, 
Jackson  an' — " 

"  The  cigar  store  Indians,"  interjected  the  guard. 

The  advent  of  the  West  Point  cadets  was  an  event  at  the 
Exposition,  and  they  were  quite  well  aware  of  it.  These  young 
sprigs  from  Uncle  Sam's  Military  Academy  were  inclined  to 
be  rather  arrogant.  One  of  them  commented  rather  humor- 
ously on  Uncle  Hank's  style,  or  rather  lack  of  style,  as  he 
termed  it.  This  rather  nettled  the  old  man,  who  expressed 
himself  in  no  uncertain  tone. 


THE  GUARD   QUOTES   POETRY 
AT   UNCLK   HANK. 


206 


AROUND   THE    "PAN." 


"  THER  CENTRAL  FIGGER   ON   THET   STATOO   OUGHT   TEW   HEV   BIN   A   HOG. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  207 

"  Look  'ee  here,  young  feller,  th'  fust  thing  they  ought  tew         THE  BUMPTIOUS  WEST 
teach  yer  et  West  Pint  is  tew  respect  yer  superiors."  POINTER. 

"Why,  Pop,  you  don't  mean  to  call  yourself  my  superior,  do 
you?"  inquired  the  young  cadet  haughtily. 

"  Wall,  I  guess  I  do,"  replied  Hank.  "  Ez  I'm  a  unit  in  ther 
body  politic  thet  constitoots  yer  Uncle  Sam,  an  you  bein 
drilled  in  the  sarvice  ov  Uncle  Sam  an  consequently  a  sarvent 
ov  his,  I'm  sartinly  yer  superior,"  and  Uncle  Hank  walked  off 
in  high  dudgeon. 

"  Them  doods  frum  West  Pint  ought  tew  be  took  daown  a 
bit ;  considerin  they're  bein  eddicated  et  ther  public  expense, 
they  ought  tew  drop  ther  highfalutin  ways  when  they  leave 
ther  accadermy,  by  gum." 


"  Bufferlow  Willum  ?  Wai,  I  guess  I  hev  heard  uv  him  afore," 
said  Uncle  Hank,  on  his  way  to  the  Wild  West  Show  just  out- 
side the  Exposition  grounds. 

"Ez  I  understand  it,  Bufferlow  Willum  ez  ther  man  who 
killed  all  ther  Bufferlows  and  put  the  Injuns  in  ther  show  biz- 
ness.  When  ther  ocurpation  ef  the  Red  Man  waz  gone  Willum 
gave  em  some  play  work  to  do,  an  it  agrees  with  em,  I  am 
thinkin." 

The  show  pleased  Uncle  Hank.  When  Buffalo  Bill,  with 
long  flowing  cavalier  locks,  dashed  up  to  the  grand  stand,  at 
the  head  of  several  hundred  rough  riders,  including  Indians, 
Cossacks  and  cowboys  and  made  his  graceful  bow,  the  Down 
East  Yankee  joined  in  the  applause.  The  cowboys  riding  the 
bucking  bronchos  and  the  wild  feats  of  horsemanship  accom- 
plished by  the  Cossacks  stirred  the  farmer's  blood  and  made 
him  wish  thi.t  he  was  young  again.  He  could  not  sit  quietly 
while  so  much  was  going  on,  and  soon  he  fouii-1  himself  near 
the  Deadwood  Coach  and  among  a  heterogeneous  mass  of 
human  beings  who  spoke  different  languages.  It  has  n^-ver 


208 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


»« s  uw^-^gsfe 

~~— ~  ^mf~ft&~3*, fS&tt, 


LOOK   'EE  HERE,    YOUNG   FELLOW,    TH*   FUST   THING  THEY   OUGHT   TEW   TEACH   YER   ET 
WEST   PINT   IS  TEW   RESPECT    YER  SUPERIORS." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


209 


been  ascertained  how  he  managed  it,  but  when  the  famous  old 
coach,  with  six  horses,  dashed  .around  the  arena  preparatory  to 
an  attack  from  the  Indians  of  the  plains,  Uncle  Hank  was  an 
outside  passenger  and  came  in  for  a  fair  share  of  Grand  Stand 
comment. 

"What  is  that  old  hayseed  going  to  do  on  the  stage?  That 
must  be  a  cowboy  dressed  up  like  a  country  jayx"  and  similar 
remarks  were  heard. 

Crack  went  the  whip  of  the  driver  and  away  went  the  horses. 
It  was  to  be  a  tragedy  of  the  plains,  bloodless  of  course,  and 
the  passengers  were  to  be  hard  pressed  when  the  inevitable 
relief  would  come  in  the  shape  of  a  crowd  of  cowboys.  Uncle 
Hank  was  given  weapons,  but  it  seems  was  not  told  that  there 
would  be  an  attack.  He  thought  he  was  merely  tendered  a 
free  ride  around  the  arena.  In  a  few  minutes  a  hundred  yell- 
ing Indians,  on  horseback  and  all  in  war  paint,  surrounded  the 
stage  and  returned  the  fire  and  a  general  running  fight  was 
begun.  Uncle  Hank  was  almost  dazed  at  first,  but  in  a  minute 
he  seemed  to  realize  that  a  death  struggle  was  going  on,  and 
leaning  over  he  began  to  shoot  his  pistol  at  the  naked  body  of 
Indians.  ^ 

"Whoop,  boys!"  he  shouted.  "Never  give  up  the  ship! 
Ther  only  good  Injun  ez  a  dead  one  !  Let  'em  hev  it.  Re- 
member Kuster,  boys!  Eat  'em  up." 

The  realistic  acting  of  the  farmer  amused  the  Indians,  and 
they  rode  up  close  and  yelled  at  him  and  shot  over  him.  "Be- 
cause at  close  range  the  blank  cartridges  hurt,  the  paper  wad- 
ding striking  with  some  force.  One  or  two  Indians  hit  by 
Uncle  Hank's  blank  paper  cartridges  yelled  in  genuine  anger 
and  rode  away  to  see  how  much  they  were  hurt.  Finally,  the 
cowboys  came  and  the  Indians  beat  a  quick  retreat.  Uncle 
Hank  started  to  dance  a  war  dance  on  top  of  the  coach  and 
tumbled  off  behind.  He  fell  sprawling  and  loud  laughter 
greeted  him  from  the  Grand  Stand. 


UNCLE   HANK   AT   BUFFALO 

BILL'S  SHOW. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


IN   A   FEW   MINUTES   A   HUNDRED   YELLING   INDIANS   SURROUNDED   THE   STAGE. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


"  I  am  killed;  I  am  shot!"  called  out  Uncle  Hank  in  meaning- 
tones. 

*'  You  are  half  shot,  old  man,"  said  Buffalo  Bill,  who  had 
ridden  up. 

His  remark  created  fresh  laughter  among  the  cowboys,  who 
were  around,  and  one  suggested  that  the  announcement  might 
reassure  the  audience.  Buffalo  Bill  rode  up  in  front  of  the 
Grand  Stand,  and  in  a  loud  voice  announced: 

"  I  am  sorry  to  say  that  in  the  attack  on  the  Deadwood  stage 
coach  only  one  passenger,  Uncle  Hayseed,  was  hurt.  He  is 
'half  shot,' and  could  not  retain  his  position  on  the  stage!" 
(Laughter.) 

Uncle  Hank  came  up  and  chimed  in  :  "I  hev  fit  them  Injuns 
an'  druv  them  back,  an'  we  kin  do  it  agin.  Ef  I  be  only  '  half 
shot '  it  makes  me  sad  tew  say  thet  Bufferlow  Willum  ez  not  in 
enny  ways  responsibull,  ez  I'm  told  thet  he  suffers  frutn  'cold 
footses.' " 

When  the  laughter  had  subsided  Buffalo  Bill  said  that  it  was 
true  that  he  was  not  responsible  for  Uncle  Hank's  being  "half 
shot,"  but  if  he  would  wait  until  the  show  was  over  he,  Buffalo 
William,  would  see  that  justice  was  done  the  former. 

The  fine  shooting-  of  Annie  Oakley  and  other  experts  pleased 
Uncle  Hank.  "  She  ez  the  girl  thet  kin  hit  the  bull's  eye  ev'ry 
time,"  he  said.  "She  kin  also  take  ther  cake,  I  ruther  g-uess. 
Whin  I  waz  thet  gal's  age  I  could  not  hit  ther  side  uf  a  barn, 
but  now  et  ez  different.  I  can  hit  a  dozen  barns  tugether,  ef 
they  be  large  enough." 

Uncle  Hank  was  the  hero  of  the  show,  and  many  thought 
he  was  a  salaried  employee,  but  it  was  the  first  time  that  the 
Hon.  William  F.  Cody  (Buffalo  Bill)  had  ever  seen  him.  He 
v;as  the  simon  pure  article. 


UNCLE   HANK   IN   TROUBLE. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


1  THE  WILD  FEATS  OF  HORSEMANSHIP  ACCOMPLISHED  BY  THE  COSSACKS  STIRRED 
THE  FARMER'S  BLOOD." 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  213 

The  summer  girl  of  1901  was  to  be  found  in  all  her  glory  at  THE  AMERICAN  GIRL. 
the  Pan-American  Exposition.  She  might  reign  for  a  part  of 
the  season  at  Newport,  Saratoga,  or  in  the  mountains,  but  she 
was  sure  to  put  in  an  appearance  at  the  "Pan"  eventually. 
Her  method  of  "  doing  "  the  Fair  was  unique  ;  she  generally 
appeared  accompanied  by  a  retinue  of  beaux  who  paid  her 
every  homage  and  vied  with  one  another  to  render  those  little 
services  that  go  to  make  the  American  girl  the  envy  of  all  her 
sisters. 

And  her  independence  was  refreshing  ;  she  cared  naught  for 
conventionalities  and  her  adventurous  nature  often  led  her 
into  difficulties.  An  American  girl  of  this  type  was  seated  in 
the  audience  facing  the  music  stand  on  the  plaza.  One  even- 
ing, surrounded  by  a  party  of  friends  who,  knowing  her  adven- 
turous spirit,  bantered  her  to  present  the  leader  with  a  bouquet 
of  flowers  which  one  of  the  party  wished,  with  a  sudden  im- 
pulse, to  bestow  upon  the  obliging  musical  conductor.  The 
young  lady  in  question  readily  assented  to  make  the  presenta- 
tion on  one  condition,  which  was  that  a  callow  youth  of  the 
party  would  accompany  her  with  another  bouquet  which  he 
should  present  first  ;  this  was  readily  agreed  to.  But  before 
handing  the  bouquet  to  him  she  managed  to  slyly  fasten  a 
long  black  silken  thread  to  the  flowers  which  she  also  deftly 
fastened  to  a  button  on  his  coat :  finally,  just  as  the  band  had 
completed  a  very  fine  rendition  of  a  popular  air,  the  pair  ad- 
vanced toward  the  leader's  stand,  holding  the  flowers  aloft. 
The  youth  being  in  front,  with  an  exceedingly  graceful  bow 
presented  his  bouquet,  and  then  stepped  back  to  make  way  for 
his  companion's  presentation  ;  in  doing  so,  however,  the  silken 
thread  leading  from  his  bouquet  to  his  coat  button  abruptly 
jerked  the  flowers  from  the  astonished  leader's  hand. 

A  shout  of  laughter  greeted  this  episode.  The  musician 
stood  perplexed,  not  knowing  whether  to  get  angry  or  to  smile 
at  the  apparent  rudeness  of  the  act ;  but  when  he  observed  the 


2i4  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

THE  GERMAN  POLICEMAN.  confusion  and  embarrassment  of  the  youth  he  smiled  at  his 
discomfiture.  The  young  lady  now  advanced  and  in  the  most 
graceful  manner  possible  presented  her  floral  offering  to  the 
jovial  leader,  who  took  good  care  to  ascertain  that  there  was 
no  string  attached  to  this  gift. 

Pranks  of  this  kind  were  of  frequent  occurrence,  particularly 
on  the  Midway,  where  all  restraint  seemed  to  be  thrown  off, 
and  emphasized  the  fact  that  a  great  Exposition  of  this  kind 
served  an  admirable  purpose  in  furnishing  a  much-needed 
relief  to  the  too  strenuous  American  mode  of  life. 

Uncle  Hank  spent  many  hours  at  the  music  stands,  as  he 
was  passionately  fond  of  music.  A  German  policeman  usually 
stood  guard  at  the  music  stand  opposite  the  Music  Temple, 
who  was  a  great  favorite  with  visitors,  as  he  was  inclined  to 
be  loquacious  and  ever  ready  to  enter  into  conversation  with 
anybody  willing  to  talk  with  him.  This  endeared  him  to  the 
ladies,  who  plied  him  unmercifully  with  questions  regarding 
the  programme  of  the  day  and  sundry  queries  of  similar 
import. 

Our  hero,  seeing  that  he  was  inclined  to  be  talkative,  and, 
being  somewhat  loquacious  himself,  soon  made  his  acquaint- 
ance. 

"  Them  musicianers  air  in  the  wrong  place,"  said  he. 

"  How's  dot  ?" 

"They  ought  ter  be  in  the  Midway,  where  the  savidges  air, 
cos,  ye  kno',  the  poet  sez  :  'Music  hath  charms  tew  soothe 
the  savidge,"  quoted  Hank. 

"  Sue  der  savidge  ?" 

"  Yes  ;  thet's  th'  way  them  poets  hez  ov  sayin'  it." 

"Veil,  it  vos  leetle  dey'll  get  ov  they  sues  dem  ;  dey  loogs 
boverty-sthicken  all  ready  yet,"  retorted  the  policeman  in  a 
disgusted  tone. 

"Wai,  I  s'pose,  ye  see  quite  a  lot  of  life  standin',  here  all 
day  ?"  continued,  Hank  in  an  inquisitive  manner,  as  though  he 


AROUND   THE    "PAN." 


215 


1  YAW,  DERE'S  LODS  ov  FUNNY  DINGS  GOIN*  ON,  UP  AND  DOWN  DER  BLAZA," 


2l6 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


A  GERMAN   PHILOSOPHER. 


was  anxious  to  get  the  German  policeman  to  relate  his  expe- 
riences. 

"  Yaw,  dere's  lods  ov  funny  dings  goin'  on,  up  and  down  der 
blaza  by  der  Exposishun  ;  dis  mornings  dere  was  a  lady  vot 
agsked  vare  vos  der  voman's  building,  and  I  toldt  her  to  go  ofer 
to  der  Liperal  Arts  buildings  ;  dere's  vare  der  most  vomansis — 
after  detn  free  samples  oph  food.  De  ladies  dinks  ven  dey  is 
dere  de  Liperal  Arts  buildings  vos  a  departmental  sthore." 

"  I  s'pose  ye  hev  all  sorts  ov  cranks  askin*  ye  all  kinds  er 
questions  ?"  inquired  Hank  further. 

"  Ach  dose  granks  !  dey  make  me  tired  yet.  Yesterday  a 
man  mit  wild  eyes  and  long  hair  agsked  me  vare  was  de  art 
exhibbit.  I  toldt  him  it  vos  exhibbited  eferywheres  about  de 
Exposishun  ;  in  de  peautiful  statchoos,  in  de  Stahdeum,  in  de 
illectrick  tower  ;  in  de  Moosic  Demple;  in  de  Midvay;  in  de 
Etnollogy  ;  de  Horticultshoor  and  Agricultshoor  buildings — 
all  ofer  de  Exposishun  dere  vos  art  exhibits.  In  fact,  dere  vos 
more  art  to  de  schquare  foot  in  de  Pan-American  Exposishun 
den  dere  vos  in  der  square  yard  oph  Chicargo's  World's  Fair." 
And  the  big  policeman  waved  his  hand  in  a  deprecating  way 
to  show  his  contempt  for  all  other  fairs. 

"  I  reckon  he  was  satisfyed  after  thet  ?"  continued  Hank. 

"  No  ;  he  set  somedings  about  sthoopid  policemens  and 
agsked  de  poy  vot  sells  brogramms  to  show  him  vare  de  pickt- 
shure  gallery  was,  and  de  poy  showed  him.  If  he  had  sense 
enuf  to  ax  me  about  picktshures  I  vould  hev  showed  him,  but 
art — vy  de  whole  exhebeshun  is  art. 

"  Den  soon  after  dot  a  sankdemonious-looking  man  vanted  to 
know  if  der  vos  a  church  on  de  grounds,  und  ven  I  pointed  to 
de  Demple  of  Moosic,  he  got  mat.  But  id  vos  hard  to  bleese 
eferypody." 

"Them  Sunday  crowds  ez  th'  most  orderly,  I  s'pose  ye  find?" 
inquired  Uncle  Hank  in  an  effort  to  get  the  German  to  relate 
more  of  his  experiences. 


) 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


217 


"Yaw,  dem  Sunday  crowts  is  great  peoples;  de  exhibits  was 
all  glosed  up,  und  dey  vanders  aroundt  until  dey  gets  tired  yet, 
und  den  dey  all  goes  ofer  by  Pabst's  und  spendt  de  rest  oph  de 
Sabbat'  dhrinking  beer." 

There  was  a  world  of  truth  in  the  German  policeman's  last 
remark,  and  Uncle  Hank  emphasized  it  by  saying  : 

"Ther  Ameriken  Sabbath  aint  what  et  ought  tew  be.  Ther 
side  doors  ov  ther  saloons  ez  too  handy  en  ther  doors  ov  libra- 
ries an  art  galleries  tew  hard  tew  reach  on  Sabbath  day."  And 
he  strode  off  in  search  of  new  adventure. 

Sweet  recreation  barred,  what  doth  ensue 
But  moody  and  dull  melancholy, 
Kinsman  to  grim  and  comfortless  despair, 
And,  at  her  heels,  a  huge  infectious  troop 
Of  pale  distemperature,  and  foes  to  life? 

— SHAKESPEARE. 

He  was  about  to  enter  one  of  the  buildings  facing  the  Plaza 
when  he  encountered  an  old  friend  who  had  just  arrived  at  the 
Exposition  after  a  ride  of  two  days  in  an  automobile.  He  was 
loud  in  his  praise  of  the  new  vehicle  and  vehemently  contended 
that  it  was  far  superior  to  the  horse  and  prophesied  that  it 
would  soon  relegate  that  quadruped  to  the  rear. 

"You  see,  Uncle,"  he  exclaimed,  "if  a  horsefly  lights  on  its 
back  it  doesn't  kick  over  the  dashboard,  and  again,  if  a  loco- 
motive and  a  train  of  cars  suddenly  dashes  past  it  doesn't  stand 
on  its  hind  wheels  and  snort  with  fear.' 

"  Yas,"  replied  Hank,  joining  in  the  humor  of  the  occasion. 
"An  et  can't  kick,  nor  shy  at  every  bit  ov  paper  in  th  road. 
I  see  they're  good  things  and  I  reckon  some  day  we'll  hev 
ought-to-mobile  cavalry  rigiments  chargin  on  to  Forts  of  Steel 
Trust  Armor  led  by  a  gallant  Kernel  mounted  onto  a  red 
demon  ought-to-mobile  a  wavin  his  electrickly  charged  sword 
an  they'll  jest  mow  down  th'  enemy  with  shocks  ov  'lectricity, , 


THE   OUGHT-TO-MOBILE. 


218 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


•AND  PROPHESIED  THAI   W  WOULP  SQQN  MW.KQAT*  T«AT 


TO  TH5  REAR 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.1  219 

ther  futoor  hez  got  lots  ov  surprizes  fur  such  uv  us  as  aint  too         THE  IRISH  BUILDING. 
old  tew  see  it." 

The  guards  stationed  throughout  the  buildings  were  a  very 
obliging  lot  and  constituted  themselves  walking  encyclopedias 
of  the  contents  of  the  different  buildings  in  which  they  were 
on  duty,  and  their  experiences  were  varied  and  interesting. 

An  Irish  citizen  not  long  from  the  Green  Isle  approached 
one  and  in  a  rich  brogue  inquired  the  way  to  the  Irish  Build- 
ing. For  the  moment  the  guard  was  puzzled,  but  in  an  instant 
regained  his  composure  and  nonchalantly  replied  :  "  It's  right 
over  yonder  in  that  direction,"  pointing  his  finger  toward  the 
big  arch.  "Just  ask  for  the  O'Regon  Building,"  and  he  winked 
at  a  bystander  as  he  explained.  "  You  see  we  sometimes  have 
a  little  fun  on  our  own  account,  it  varies  the  monotony  of 
existence.  "One  afternoon  two  Canadians  were  discussing 
their  experiences  on  the  Midway ;  one  maintained  that  the 
shows  were  all  fakes.  Said  he, '  I  paid  a  quarter  to  take  a  Trip 
to  the  Moon,  and  they  never  took  me  there  at  all ;  they  made 
me  sit  down  in  a  chair  car  and  then  the  scenery  revolved 
around,  showing  us  some  views  in  the  moon,  so  the  lecturer 
said  ;  but  it  was  all  a  fake — they  never  took  us  out  of  the  build- 
ing, much  less  to  the  moon.  I  tell  you,  they're  all  fakes.'  Yes," 
continued  the  guard,  "it  takes  all  kinds  of  people  to  make  an 
Exposition  crowd.  On  another  occasion  I  noticed  a  fine  speci- 
men of  backwoods  farmer  from -way  up  in  Michigan,  who  had 
brought  his  wife  with  him  to  see  the  '  Pan-American.'  He  came 
up  to  me  with  a  very  troubled  look  on  his  countenance.  Said 
he:  '  Mister  Officer,  I've  lost  my  wife  Mariar.' 

"  Says  I :  '  What  kind  of  a  looking  woman  is  your  wife  ?' 

"  Says  he:  '  She's  an  old  lady  with  a  green  gingham  dress  an 
a  black  an  red  bonnit.' 

"It  then  occurred  to  me,  judging  by  his  description,  that  I 
had  seen  her,  so  I  directed  him  to  the  big  elevator  in  the 
Electrical  Tower,  and  sure  enough,  there  she  was  ;  she  had 


AROUND  THE  "PAN 


DAT'S   DE   KIND   OV   FOOD    WE   GIT'1      NATCHREL   FOOD.' 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.'  221 

been  riding  up  and  down  all  morning.     It  was  her  first  experi-         SUSPICIOUS  CHARACTERS. 
ence  with  elevators  and  she  was  making  up  for  lost  time.     I 
tell  you  this  is  a  great  place  to  see  the  comedy  side  of  the 
Exposition." 

A  little  further  on  the  guard  encountered  two  frowsy-look- 
ing tramps  who  had  evidently  seen  better  days,  but  those  days 
had  long,  long  passed  into  a  hazy  oblivion.  They  had  halted 
before  the  pavilion  of  the  Natural  Food  Company  and  were 
discussing  the  title  of  the  company. 

"I  say,  Bill,"  remarked  the  raggedest  of  the  pair,  "dat's  de 
kind  ov  food  we  gits,  natchrel  food  ;  it  jist  comes  natchrel  to 
reach  fer  free  lunch  grafts." 

"Wall,  I  dunno  bout  dat,"  replied  his  companion.  "Seems 
to  me  de  food  we  gits  is  snatch-rel."  And  the  guard  ap- 
proached and  requested  the  pair  to  move  on. 

"Beware  of  those  who  are  homeless  by  choice; 
You  have  no  hold  on  a  human  being  whose  affections  are  without  a 
tap-root." 

— SOUTHEY. 

A  very  funny  experience  befell  an  exhibitor  who  wished  to 
advertise  his  exhibit  in  an  original  way.  He  dressed  up  a 
couple  of  men  to  resemble  tramps.  He  rigged  them  up  in 
true  hobo  style  after  the  pattern  illustrated  so  profusely  in  the 
comic  papers  ;  with  rags,  tatters,  tomato  cans  and  all  the  stock- 
in-trade  of  the  stage  tramp.  And  then  he  provided  them  with 
circulars  which  they  were  to  distribute  throughout  the 
grounds.  They  had  not  proceeded  very  far  on  their  mission 
when  they  were  halted  by  a  guard  who  wanted  to  know  how 
they  got  inside  the  grounds. 

"Look  here,  you  hoboes,"  demanded  he,  "how  did  you  get 
on  the  grounds  ?  Jumped  the  fence,  hey  ?" 

"  Naw,  we  didn't  jump  de  fence,"  indignantly  replied  one  of 
the  pair.  "We're  workin  fer  de  man  wot  gits  out  dese  circulars, 
an  we'se  distributin  dem,  see  !"  » 


222 


AROUND   THE   "PAN. 


HE  WAS   EVIDENTLY   LOOKING   UP   HIS   ANCESTORS. 


AROUND   THE   « PAN.' 


223 


"Well,  that  tale  don't  go  with  me;  you'll  have  to  get  off  the 
grounds  or  I'll  run  you  in,"  and  with  that  he  prodded  them 
with  his  short  club,  and  run  them  out  through  the  exit  despite 
their  vociferous  protests. 

Their  make-up  had  been  too  realistic,  and  the  enterprising 
exhibitor  was  forced  to  adopt  some  other  method  of  advertis- 
ing his  wares. 

A  well-dressed  citizen  of  African  descent  stood  before  the 
entrance  to  Darkest  Africa  with  wonder  depicted  on  his  ebony 
countenance  at  the  antics  of  the  Africans  who  were  exhibited 
by  the  managers  of  the  attraction  for  the  purpose  of  alluring 
patrons  to  the  show  inside.  He  was  palpably  a  Northern 
darkey  who  had  never  seen  the  simon-pure  article  from  the 
land  of  his  forefathers  and  was  evidently  looking  up  his  an- 
cestors. After  surveying  the  scene  a  while  he  purchased  a 
ticket  and  entered  the  enclosure. 

As  soon  as  he  reached  the  pavilion  he  realized  that  he 
attracted  more  attention  than  the  dancers  on  the  stage.  His 
russet  leather  shoes  and  loud-checked  clothes  excited  the  ad- 
miration of  the  simple  Africans,  and  one  of  the  dusky  girl 
dancers  went  so  far  as  to  offer  him  a  light  from  the  pipe  she 
was  smoking  for  the  unlighted  cigarette  he  held  in  his  hand. 

"  All  his  successors  gone  before  him  have  done  't; 
And  all  his  ancestors  that  come  after  him  may." 

— SHAKESPEARE. 

One  of  the  peculiarities  of  Darkest  Africa  was  the  avidity 
with  which  the  women  smoked  pipes  and  cigarettes  while  they 
danced,  and  many  a  dude  lighted  a  cigarette  in  the  pipe  of  a 
black-faced  African  woman  with  an  ebony-hued  baby  on  her 
back.  It  was  truly  a  case  of  Lightest  America  and  Darkest 
Afric? 

Their  dances  consisted  of  a  series  of  hops  and  kicks  with 
bare  feet,  to  the  music  of  native  drums  and  reed  pipes,  which 


IN   DARKEST   AFRICA. 


224 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


THE  AFRICAN  DANCERS  produced  a  peculiar  chant-like  effect,  without  much  semblance 
to  music,  but  which  served  very  well  for  the  native  dance  thev 
performed. 

A  fashionably  dressed  young  mother  with  a  very  attractive 


'THE   WOMEN  SMOKED    TIPHS   WHILE   THEY    DANCKL)." 


baby  in  her  arms  happened  in  the  African  Village  one  day. 
She  was  very  much  interested  in  the  native  dancers,  and  fre- 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


225 


"  BABY   HIM   TALK   GUMBO." 

"GUG-GUG-    0-0-000 !"   GURGLED  THE  BABY. 

"HIM   SAY   ME  HIS    PAPA  !"    EXCLAIMED   THE  SAVAGE. 


226 


AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 


THE  GOO-GOO  BABY.         quently  held  up   her  baby  to  see  the  odd  cavorting  of  the 
athletic  Africans.     This  finally  attracted  the  attention  of  one 
of  the  chiefs,  who  advanced  to  where  the  little  one  was  being 
held,  and  holding  out  his  finger,  said  : 
"  Baby  him  talk  Gumbo." 
"Gug-gug-oo  o-ooo  !"  gurgled  the  baby. 
"  Him  say  me  his  papa!"  exclaimed  the  savage. 
It  is  needless  to  say  that  the  fond  mother  was  anything  but 
pleased    at    this   free    translation   of   her   darling's   innocent 
prattl  e. 

The  bodies  of  the  Africans  were  naked  from  the  waist  up  and 
'glistened  in  the  sunlight  from  the  palm  oil  which  they  regu- 
larly applied  every  day. 

Their  manager  asserted  that  they  were  unusually  cleanly,  as 
they  made  it  a  rule  to  wash  thoroughly  every  morning  with 
soap  and  water,  and  explained  that  the  peculiar  odor  which 
was  noticeable  in  their  presence  was  due  to  the  palm  oil  they 
used. 

As  the  season  progressed,  the  Esquimaux  in  the  Midway  pro- 
gressed in  contentment  ;  and  when  the  days  in  October  began 
to  cool,  the  vigor  and  energy  of  the  entertainment  within  their 
enclosure  increased  as  the  temperature  decreased. 

It  was  very  amusing  to  hear  the  comments  of  visitors  to  this 
attraction.  One  old  lady  expressed  great  astonishment  when 
she  was  informed  that  the  Eskimo  did  not  lunch  on  candles,  as 
she  observed  one  eating  a  hearty  meal,  consisting  of 
Boston  baked  beans,  a  bowl  of  hot  coffee  and  a  large 
slice  of  pumpkin  pie. 

The  Eskimo  is  very  expert  with  the  long-lashed 
whip,  and  would  frequently  strike  a  copper  cent  placed 
on  the  ground  at  a  distance  of  a  dozen  feet  or  so  with 
the  end  of  the  lash. 

Uncle  Hank  played  a  neat  trick  on  one,  by  secretly 
attaching  a  piece  of  chewing-gum  to  the  coin  before 


AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 


227 


placing  it  on  the  stone  pavement,  and  although  the  Eskimo  hit 
it  several  times  it  would  not  budge  as  the  preceding  ones  had 


LIGHT   LUNCH. 


1  TIIK    ESKIMO    DID    NOT    1  UNCII    ON   CANDLES. 


done.     Finally  he  walked  over  to  examine  the  penny,  and  dis- 
covered the  trick  just  as  Hank  disappeared  through  the  gate  , 
holding  his  sides  with  laughter. 


228 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


A   ROMANCE. 


Romance  and  sentiment  peryade  every  walk  of  life,  and  the 
Pan-American  Exposition  proved  no  exception  to  the  rule. 
With  so  many  attractive  maidens  serving  as  attendants  to  ex- 
hibits, and  an  equal  number  of  appreciative  swains  in  a  like 
capacity,  it  was  not  to  be  wondered  at  that  Dan  Cupid  played 
numerous  pranks  with  sensitive  hearts. 

In  one  of  the  pavilions  of  the  Machinery  Building  there  sat 
a  young  man  of  possibly  three  and  twenty  musing  on  the  mo- 
notony of  an  existence  in  a  booth  devoted  to  pulley  shafts, 
nuts  and  bolts,  and  whose  only  visitors  were  bewhiskered  men 
of  a  mechanical  turn,  whose  only  interest  in  life  seemed  to  be 
centered  in  greasy  machinery. 

Adjoining  this  pavilion  was  a  neat,  artistically-arranged 
booth  devoted  to  the  display  and  sale  of  souvenirs  and  memen- 
toes of  the  Fair.  This  little  enclosure  was  presided  over  by  a 
demure  little  miss  who  was  an  astute  little  saleswoman.  She 
was  successful  because  she  was  cheerful,  and  she  was  cheerful 
because  she  was  successful.  Her  bright  eyes  lighted  up  her 
booth  so  effectively  that  its  effulgence  finally  permeated  the 
adjoining  booth,  occupied  by  the  young  custodian  of  the 
Machinery  Exhibit,  who  suddenly  conceived  the  idea  that,  after 
all,  his  dreary  vigil  in  an  uninteresting  exhibit  might  have  its 
compensations. 

Every  little  while  he  would  steal  a  glance  at  the  pretty  face 
of  his  neighbor,  who  was  totally  oblivious  of  the  attention  she 
was  attracting. 

One  day  an  elderly  lady  approached  the  souvenir  stand,  and 
while  the  little  saleswoman  was  busily  engaged  in  showing  her 
wares,  he  had  an  excellent  chance  to  study  in  detail  the  fea- 
tures of  the  fair  one  who  had  enthralled  him. 

"A  beauty  beyond  compare,"  he  ejaculated,  and  he  right 
away  resolved  that  he  would  get  a  closer  look  at  the  busy, 
ittle  saleswoman.  With  this  end  in  view  he  waited  until  the 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  229 

elderly  lady  in  question  had  made  her  purchase  and  departed,         SUSCEPTIBLE  YOUTH. 
and  then  he  proceeded  around  the  corner  of  the  intervening 
aisle  to  the  souvenir  stand,  and,  mechanically  picking  up  one 
of  the  crystal  paper  weights,  inquired  the  price,  at  the  same 
time  centering  his  gaze  on  the  beautiful  eyes  of  the  beauty. 

"I'll  take  it,"  said  he,  without  noting  the  price  she  had 
named,  and  handed  her  a  bank  note  of  small  denomination  and 
waited  for  her  to  hand  him  his  change  and  wrap  up  his  purchase. 

The  next  day  he  presented  himself  at  the  stand  again,  and, 
after  engaging  her  in  conversation  as  long  as  he  dared,  pur- 
chased another  paper  weight  identical  with  the  one  he  had 
bought  the  day  previous. 

"What,  another  one?"  said  she;  "you  bought  one  like  this 
yesterday." 

She  laughed  and  he  was  covered  with  confusion. 

"  Oh  yes — well,  you  see  this  one  is  for  my  sister." 

The  next  day  he  tarried  a  little  longer  in  conversation,  and 
as  he  was  about  to  depart  purchased  still  another  paper  weight, 
with  no  definite  idea  as  to  what  he  would  do  with  it,  and  when 
she  laughingly  asked  him  if  this  was  also  for  his  sister,  he  re- 
plied in  the  affirmative. 

After  this  he  became  a  frequent  visitor,  and  purchased  pa- 
per weights  from  a  mere  force  of  habit,  and  always  for  his 
"  sister."  They  were  now  on  familiar  terms,  and  one  day  she 
asked  him  why  he  didn't  buy  a  souvenir  of  the  Rainbow  City 
for  himself. 

"  What  I  want  I  can't  buy,"  he  sheepishly  replied,  at  the 
same  time  eying  her  steadily.  Their  eyes  met.  His  honest 
gaze  met  her  shy  and  tender  glance  of  awakened  love. 

Rather  confusedly  she  replied  that  she  would  be  glad  to  ac- 
commodate him  with  any  article,  if  she  happened  to  have  it  in 
stock. 

"  Oh,  you  have  it  in  stock,  I  know.  As  to  the  price — well, 
I'll  pay  any  price  for  it." 


23o  AROUND   THE   "PAN/ 

CUPID  WINS.  She  blushed  deeply  at  this,  and  made  a  desperate  effort  to 

hide  her  confusion  as  she  said  : 

"How  can  I  tell  what  you  want  if  you  don't  name  the 
article  ?" 

"It's  your  heart — I  want  it  for  a  souvenir  of  the  Rainbow 
City." 

And  the  illumination  of  the  Fair  Grounds  that  night  was 
naught  in  comparison  with  the  brightness  instilled  in  those 
two  hearts  by  that  matchless  illuminator  Dan  Cupid. 

O  gentle  Proteus,  Love's  a  mighty  lord; 

And  hath  so  humbled  me,  as,  I  confess, 

There  is  no  woe  to  his  correction, 

Nor  to  his  service,  no  such  joy  on  earth  ! 

Now,  no  discourse,  except  it  be  love  : 

Now  can  I  break  my  fast,  dine,  sup,  and  sleep, 

Upon  the  very  naked  name  of  love. 

— SHAKESPEARE. 
*          #          * 

A  romance  of  an  entirely  different  character  was  enacted  in 
the  Indian  village. 

John  Winthrop,  formerly  Wo-nee-tah,  the  broken  wing,  from 
the  Kiowa  reservation,  but  now  of  Washington,  D.  C.,  lately  a 
graduate  of  the  Carlisle  Indian  School,  was  an  interested  visitor 
to  the  Indian  encampment.  It  was  ten  years  since  he  had 
been  taken  as  a  boy  from  his  wild  home  on  the  reservation  to 
begin  his  studies  at  Carlisle,  Penn.,  under  the  tutelage  of 
Uncle  Sam. 

He  was  a  fine  specimen  of  pure  Indian  manhood,  tall,  erect 
and  athletic  to  a  degree.  He  had  played  quarter-back  in  the 
Foot  Ball  Team  of  the  school,  and  had  won  renown  as  a  cool, 
resourceful  player.  After  his  graduation  he  had  secured  em- 
ployment in  the.  Interior  Department  at  Washington,  D.  C. 
He  was  now  on  his  vacation  and  was  turning  his  time  to 
pleasure  and  profit  in  a  visit  to  the  "  Rainbow  City." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


231 


He  had  already  made  sevefal  visits  to  the  Exposition  and  on 
each  occasion  had  been  drawn  irresistibly  to  the  Indian  Village 
by  a  pair  of  sparkling  black  eyes  .in  the  prettiest  face  he  had 
ever  seen.  In  all  his  visits  he  saw  only  Wah-sah-ne,  the  beau- 
tiful daughter  of  "  Running  Bear."  She,  too,  had  been  educated 
by  Uncle  Sam  and  at  the  end  of  her  tuition  had  returned  to 
her  people.  In  the  Indian  enclosure  a  space  had  been  reserved 
for  the  display  of  articles  of  Indian  manufacture.  Wah-sah-ne 
was  of  great  value  in  this  department,  as  she  spoke  English 
fluently,  and  through  her  picturesque  personality  was  enabled 
to  make  many  sales  of  Indian  goods. 

John  was  dressed  in  the  ordinary  civilian  attire  of  the 
whites,  while  the  Indian  maiden  was  attired  in  the  picturesque 
habiliments  of  her  race.  There  was  a  strange  incongruity  in 
her  make-up,  however,  in  that  her  perfect  English  pronuncia- 
tion did  not  seem  to  chord  with  her  savage  attire,  although  in 
John  Winthrop's  eyes  this  seemed  to  be  an  added  attraction  to 
her  charming  personality. 

At  the  Indian  School  she  was  known  as  Marie  Dumont — a 
name  given  to  her  by  an  old  French  Canadian  trapper,  who 
had  been  a  life-long  friend  of  her  father  on  the  plains.. 

The  young  Indian  youth  was  beginning  to  realize  that  his 
vacation  time  had  almost  drawn  to  its  close,  and  that  he  must 
soon  return  to  his  duties  again.  He  had  spent  four-fifths  of 
his  time  in  the  company  of  the  enchantress  from  the  prairies. 

"  Marie,"  he  said  tenderly,  "  I  must  return  home  in  a  couple 
of  days." 

"Why,  John,  you  have  not  seen  half  of  the  Exposition,"  she 
laughingly  replied.  "  I'm  afraid  you  have  idled  away  too  much 
of  your  time  in  our  enclosure  ;  you  haven't  seen  half  of  the 
beauties  of  the  'Pan.'" 

"Yes,  but  I  seen  the  beauty  of  the  'Pan,'"  he  replied  gal- 
lantly. 

She  affected  not  to  hear  this  implied  compliment  as  she  re- 
joined : 


AN    INDIAN   CUPID. 


232  AROUND  THE   "PAN." 

A  REMINISCENCE  OF  "  I  suppose  you  have  seen  some  one  who  has  risen  to  your 

TH>?  PLAINS.  ideal." 

"  Marie,  I  have  seen  a  beauty  that  makes  me  long  to  extend 
my  vacation  to  a  lifetime  to  spend  at  her  side,  or  take  her 
with  me  to  be  my  life-long  companion  in  and  out  of  my  vaca- 
tion." As  he  spoke  he  took  her  hands  and  looked  tenderly  into 
the  dusky  beauty's  dark  eyes:  "Will  you  be  my  wife  ?" 

At  this  juncture  an  old  Indian  squaw  approached  leaning  on 
a  stick.  She  looked  searchingly  into  the  face  of  the  youth,  then 
she  shaded  her  eyes  with  her  disengaged  hand  to  get  a  better 
look. 

"Kiowa!"  she  exclaimed,  and  then  she  drew  back  to  get  a 
good  look  at  the  back  of  his  head,  and  when  she  perceived  a 
scar  there  she  cried  : 

"Wo-nee-tah  !" 

"  Yes,"  he  replied,  "  Wo-nee-tah  ;  that's  my  name,  so  they 
told  me  when  I  was  taken  from  Fort  Reno  by  the  soldiers  and 
sent  to  Carlisle  to  be  educated." 

The  old  squaw  then  rolled  up  his  sleeve,  and  there  on  the 
left  arm  was  a  long  mark  evidently  made  by  a  slash  with  a 
knife.  As  soon  as  she  saw  this  she  threw  her  arms  around  his 
neck,  and  cried,  "My  boy  !  my  son  !  my  pappoose  !" 

The  youth  was  visibly  affected  at  this.  "  Can  it  be  possi- 
ble !"  he  cried.  "  Have  I  found  my  mother  ?" 

"  Me,  your  mudder,  yes  ;  long  time  ago  soldiers  burn  down 
tepee — kill  braves — bullets  kill  pappoose — me  tink  you  dead — 
gone — no  more — now  me  find  you — :ny  son — my  pappoose  !" 
and  the  old  squaw  mother  wept  as  any  mother  would  weep  at 
the  recovery  of  her  son. 

"Then  he's  my  brother?"  exclaimed  the  maiden  to  her 
mother,  who  nodded  her  head  in  a  positively  affirmative  manner. 

At  this  the  young  man  grasped  the  beautiful  girl  in  his  arms 
and  kissed  her  tenderly  as  he  exclaimed  :  "I  have  lost  a  wife, 
but  I've  found  a  sister — and  a  mother." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


233 


Tne  Midway  also  had  its  romantic  side  distinctively  char- 
acteristic of  the  atmosphere  prevailing-  there. 

Algernon  Fitz  Maurice  was  a  callow  youth.  After  having 
graduated  from  college  he  had,  through  strong  influence, 
secured  employment  on  a  big  New  York  newspaper  and  had 
been  assigned  to  Buffalo  to  cover  the  Pan-American  Exposi- 
tion. At  first  sight  this  would  seem  to  be  an  impossible  task, 
as  "Algy"  was  a  rather  diminutive  specimen  of  humanity, 
both  mentally  and  physically,  and  his  ability  in  either  capacity 
decidedly  limited.  But  what  he  lacked  in  this  respect  he  more 
than  made  up  in  energetic  assurance — otherwise  known  as 
"nerve"  or  "gall,"  depending  largely  upon  the  point  of  view. 

Now,  "  Algy  "  was  awfully  smitten  by  the  charms  of  a  cer- 
tain dancer  in  the  little  Oriental  Theatre  in  the  "Streets  of 
Cairo."  He  had  been  a  constant  attendant  at  the  perform- 
ances in  the  theatre,  and  had  sent  numerous  bouquets  to  the 
Egyptian  beauty,  and  vowed  he  would  never  leave  the  Exposi- 
tion until  he  had  exhausted  every  means  to  win  her  affections. 
It  is  true  he  had  never  uad  an  opportunity  to  speak  to  her, 
much  less  make  love,  but  he  was  persistent  ;  so  one  evening 
he  resolved  to  see  her  and  speak  to  her,  despite  all  obstacles. 
With  this  end  in  view  he  sent  a  little  Arab  boy  around  to  the 
stage  door  with  a  beautiful  bouquet  of  American  beauty  roses, 
to  which  was  attached  a  highly  perfumed  note  asking  for  an 
interview. 

Presently  the  boy  returned  with  the  information  that  the 
last  performance  would  terminate  at  n  P.  M.,  and  then  at  the 
Midway  gate  the  lady  would  be  pleased  to  meet  him. 

To  say  "Algy"  was  delighted  is  putting  it  in  the  mildest 
way.  He  was  in  ecstasy,  so  much  so  that  he  gave  the  boy  a 
quarter  for  his  trouble,  in  place  of  the  nickel  he  had  originally 
selected. 

He  was  at  the  gate  in  question  at  the  exact  minute  of  the 
hour,  and  his  charmer  did  not  keep  him  waiting  long,  and 


A    MIDWAY    ROMANCE. 


234  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

AN  AWFUL  SHOCK.  when  she  did  come — "ye  gods,''  thought  he,  was  there  ever 
such  a  vision  of  loveliness,  such  eyes  to  entrance  with.  Their 
lashes  actually  shaded  the  cheeks ;  and  such  profusion  of  blue- 
black  hair, .encompassing  a  bewitching  face  of  almost  alabaster 
whiteness.  As  she  approached  him  she  slightly  bowed  as  he 
lifted  his  hat  and,  smiling,  showed  a  row  of  perfect  teeth. 

"  Have  I  the  pleasure  of  addressing  the  fairest  flower  of 
Egypt — or  perhaps  Constantinople  or  some  other  haven  of 
Oriental  beauty  ?"  said  Algy,  after  the  most  approved  style  of 
stage  etiquette. 

"Aar  youse  th  gintlemon  thot's  sendin  me  th'  flowers  ivery 
noight  ? — Well,  ef  ye  aar,  OI  wishes  ye'd  sind  larger  boo-kays, 
fur  be  th'  toime  OI  gives  th'  rest  ov  'em  buttonhole  boo-kays 
OI  hov  none  at  all,  at  all,"  and  her  rich,  Irish  brogue  rolled 
over  her  beautiful  rouged  lips  like  a  duck  calling  its  mate. 

Algy  fainted  dead  away.  When  he  awoke  it  was  to  find  him- 
self in  the  hospital  with  a  severe  case  of  nervous  prostration 
and  his  magnificent  nerve  was  gone  forever. 


These  little  romances  are  related  principally  to  show  the 
many  different  phazes  of  life  that  existed  at  the  Pan-American 
Exposition  during  the  six  months  of  its  existence.  They 
were  merely  side  lights  thrown  on  the  stage  where  the  mag- 
nificent spectacle  was  being  enacted. 


If  there  is  one  thing  the  Irishman  is  noted  for,  it  is  his  ready 
wit.  He  may  be  termed  obstinate  in  some  respects.  He  may 
be  sometimes  deemed  stubborn  in  his  firm  adherence  to  his 
opinioTis,  be  they  right  or  wrong.  He  may  be  a  firm  adherent 
of  a  cause  that  may  be  far  from  righteous.  And  this  fidelity 
will  usually  be  found  traceable  to  a  desire  to  be  loyal  to  his 
friends.  But  however  stubborn  or  obstinate  he  may  appear 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  235 


WOULD   YEZ    MOIND   TELLIN   ME   Til'    NAME   OV   THIS   BU1LD1N,    SOR  ?  ' 


236  AROUND  THE  "PAN." 

IRISH  WIT.  to  be,  he  can  never  be  charged  with  being  at  a  loss  for  a  ready 
reply  to  any  question  that  may  be  put  to  him,  and  the  Irishman 
who  is  not  quick  at  repartee  is  no  true  son  of  Erin.  Such 
an  individual  turned  up  in  the  Liberal  Arts  Building  one 
morning,  and  after  an  exhaustive  tour  of  the  many  aisles 
within,  accosted  one  of  the  guards  as  to  the  details  of  the  great 
Exposition.  Said  he  : 

"Would  yez  moind  tellin  me  th'  name  ov  this  buildin,  sor?" 

"  It  is  known  as  the  building  of  the  Liberal  Arts,"  replied 
the  guard. 

"OI  suppose  it's  becos  they  giv  away  so  manny  free  samples 
it's  called  liberal.  An  f 'what's  th'  manein  ov  Pan-Ameriky  ?" 
he  continued,  inquiringly. 

"Pan-America — why,  Pan  means  all — all  America;  North, 
Central,  and  South  America."  explained  the  guard. 

"An  duz  it  take  in  th'  Sandwitch  Oislands?" 

"  Yes." 

"  An  th'  Phillypanes,  too  ?" 

"Well — yes,"  answered  the  somewhat  puzzled  guard. 

"  Well,  t'is  aisy  t*  see  ye'z  hav  th'  wrong  name  fer  it — ye'z 
shud  call  it  th'  Pan- Amerikin- Asiatic  Ex -poo -si -shun,  be 
gorra  !" 

"Well,  we  do  seem  to  be  spreading  out  somewhat,"  replied 
the  intelligent  guard.  "  Uncle  Sam's  arms  are  getting  rather 
long  and  his  fingers  are  developing  a  good  strong  grasp." 

"  Take  up  the  White  Man's  burden, 
Send  forth  the  best  ye  breed — 
Go  bind  your  sons  to  serfdom  ; 
To  serve  the  combine's  need  ; 
To  wait  in  heavy  harness 
On  those  who  lord  the  land — 
The  Trusts  the  new  found  masters, 
The  new  time  robber  band." 

Many  humorous  observations  were  made  unconsciously  by 


AROUND  THE   "PAN.' 


237 


LAW  ME  !   WHAT  BEW-TE-FULL  MILK   PITCHERS  THEM   RICH 
FOLKS  DEW  HAV  I" 


238 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


A    BEAUTIFUL   Mil  K 


visitors  misinterpreting  the  uses  to  which  some  of  the  articles 
on  exhibition  were  intended  for. 

A  tall,  lanky  young  woman,  who  (judging  from  the  out-of- 
date  style  of  dress  in  which  she  was  attired)  evidently  came 
from  a  backwoods  region.  She  stood  for  a  long  time  contem- 
plating with  open-mouthed  wonder  a  beautifully  wrought  silver 
vase  in  the  Gorham  Silver  Company's  Pavilion.  Then  sud- 
denly she  blurted  out. 

"Law  me!  what  bew-te-full  milk  pitchers  them  rich  folks 
dew  hav  !" 

She  then  made  her  way  to  the  Tiffany  Exhibit,  and  after 
taking  a  cursory  look  at  the  diamond  display,  remarked  : 

"  I  karnt  see  what  folks  kin  see  in  sech  bits  o'  glass  tew 
strain  ther  necks  abaout  !" 

Many  strange  devices  were  resorted  to  in  advertising  the 
exhibits  of  some  of  the  beautiful  and  expensively  gotten  up 
pavilions.  An  artificial  limb  company 
engaged  a  legless  man  to  don  a  pair  of 
their  artificial  legs,  and  give  periodical 
exhibitions  of  the  wonderful  use  to  which 
they  could  be  put.  First  he  would  walk 
slowly,  then  hop  on  one  foot,  and  finally 
run  at  top  speed  up  and  down  the  aisles, 
to  the  intense  interest  and  amusement  of 
the  onlookers. 

It  was  a  very  interesting  exhibition, 
and  illustrated  very  forcibly  the  "  strides  " 
made  in  this  branch  of  manufacture,  be- 
sides being  an  excellent  advertisement. 

These  unique  exhibitions  made  the 
pavilions  doubly  attractive,  and  often 
served  to  make  commonplace  exhibits 
very  interesting. 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  239 

A  prominent  journalist  once  said  to  Representative  Samuel         SOME  QUAINT  TESTIMONIALS. 
S.  Cox  (familiarly  known  as  Sunset  Cox)  that  Senator  Charles 
Sumner  did  not  believe  in  the  Bible.  t 

"That's  because  he  did  not  write  it,"  promptly  responded 
Cox. 

The  public  at  large  is  not  so  constituted,  judging  by  the 
faith  reposed  in  the  writings  of  great  men  by  the  Midway  con- 
cessionaries. 

Nearly  all  the  eminent  men  of  the  country  were  quoted  by 
these  rival  showmen  in  flaring  show-cards,  posted  at  their 
respective  entrances.  One  announcement  read  as  follows  : 


"THIS   IS   A    GRATE   SHOW.        I    LAFFUD    TIL    MY   SIDES 
AKED    WHEN    I    SKEN    IT.' — CHANSKY    DEPEW. 


It  will  be  seen  by  the  above  that  the  honorable  Chauncey 
had  rathar  a  bad  spell  of  spelling  and  grammar  when  he  wrote 
out  this  testimonial. 

Another  equally  lucid  show-card  was  painted  in  large  red 
letters  and  hung  at  the  side  of  the  ticket  office  window  : 


"THIS  ENTERTAINMENT  IS  'HOT  RAGS."     THEY  GIVE 
YOU  YOUR  MONEY'S  WOKTH  KVERY  TIME."— GOV.  ODELL. 


It  will  be  seen  by  this  that  the  governor  had  been  spending 
considerable  of  his  time  in  the  Bowery — or  perhaps  the  sign 
painter  got  the  wrong  copy,  and  grossly  misrepresented  the 
urbane  governor. 

According  to  another  testimonial  displayed  further  down  the 
walk,  an  eminent  naval  hero  was  much  pleased  with  the  en- 


240 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


'IT'S  THE  ONLY  FREE  THING  ON   THE   GROUNDS." 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  241 

tertainment  provided,  and  expressed  his  admiration  in  the  fol-         DEWEY'S  MAGNANIMITY. 
lowing  terse  sentence  : 


"I    WAS   COMP.  ETELY    CAPTURKD    BY    THIS    SHOW  —  IT 
KNOCKS    THE   TAR    OUT    OF    THE    BATTLE   OF    MANILA." 

— ADMIRAL   DKWEY. 


But  the  climax  was  reached  by  the  next  testimonial  expert 
in  the  following  card  : 


"THIS     ENTERTAINMENT      IS     WORTH     ALL     KINDS     OF 
MO.NKY    TO    SEK." — WILMAM    J.    BRYAN. 


A  depleted  purse  was  almost  sure  to  follow  a  trip  through  the 
Midway  if  a  desire  to  see  all  the  attractions  was  gratified.  A 
citizen  who  had  just  emerged  from  the  famous  thoroughfare 
was  accosted  by  a  policeman  who  had  been  admiring  the  mon- 
ster flag  flying  across  the  Triumphal  Bridge  (which  was  said 
to  be  the  largest  flag  in  the  world).  Said  he  :  "  That's  a  grand 
sight — the  Star  Spangled  Banner,  the  flag  of  the  brave  and  the 
free  !" 

"Well,  it's  the  only  free  thing  on  the  grounds,  then,"  replied 
the  citizen,  who  had  just  "  done,"  or  more  properly  been 
"done  "  by  the  multitudinous  shows  on  the  Midway. 

On  another  occasion  a  pair  of  visitors  hailing  from  a  small 
farming  section  in  the  West  were  wandering  rather  aimlessly 
through  the  grounds.  They  were  togged  up  in  brand-new 
"  store  clothes,"  and  were  plainly  out  for  a  holiday. 

"  I  tell  ye,  Zekiel,"  exclaimed  one  of  them,  "  th'  managers 
made  one  big  mistake  in  buildin'  this  Fair." 

"  How  so,  Silas  ?" 


242 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


I   TELL  YE,    ZEKIEI,,"    EXCLAIMED   ONE   OF   THF.M,    "  TU*    MANAGEKS   MADE 
ONE  BIG  MISTAKE  IN   BUILDIN   THIS  FAIR," 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


243 


"  Cos  they  didn't  make  no  arrangements  fer  a  circus  tent 
with  clowns,  acrobats  an' — " 

<l  Red  lemonade  and  peanuts,"  interjected  Ezekiel  with  a 
broad  grin. 

"  Thet's  the  idee  !  An',  besides,  they  ought  tew  hev  hoss- 
racin'  an' — " 

"Shell  game  men  an'  wheels  ov  fortune,  tew  make  et  more 
interestin'."  again  interposed  Ezekiel. 

And  the  pair  proceeded  on  their  way,  fully  convinced  that 
they  had  discovered  a  glaring  fault  in  the  make-up  of  the  Pan- 
Americ;.n  Exposition. 

Young  America  fully  enjoyed  the  opportunities  afforded  by 
the  Exposition  to  secure  mementoes  in  the  shape  of  attractive 
advertising  matter  which  was  so  lavishly  distributed  by  the 
different  exhibitors. 

"  I  tell  you.  Sis,"  exclaimed  a  youthful  visitor,  "  we'll  make 
'em  jealous  at  home  when  they  see  what  we've  captured  at  the 
'  Pan.' " 

"  Well,  Bud,  I  don't  think  we've  overlooked  anything,  have 
we  ?"  replied  the  Young  American  Girl,  in  glee  at  the  prospect 
of  dazzling  the  eyes  of  her  playmates  at  home  who  were  not  so 
fortunate  as  to  have  had  the  opportunity  of  visiting  the  "  Pan." 

Base  envy  withers  at  another's  joy, 

And  hates  that  excellence  it  cannot  reach. 

— THOMSON. 


And  children  of  a  larger  growth  were  just  as  sus- 
ceptible to  this  feeling  of  anxiety  to  overshine  their 
less  fortunate  neighbors  on  their  return  home. 

"  I'm  going  tew  take  hum  all  th'  fine  cards  I  kin  git," 
exclaimed  a  visitor,  "cos  et's  my  plan  tew  git  th' 
Joneses  and  Browns  tew  understand  thet  we've  bin  tew 
th'  grate  show,  an'  we  don't  care  who  kno's  et." 


A    CIRCUS    NKEDKD. 


244 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


'I   TELL  YOU,    SIS,    WE>T.L   MAKE  *EM   JEALOUS   AT   HOME   WHEN   THEY  SEE   WHAT  WE'VE 
CAI'lURED   AT   THE    '  PAN.'  " 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  245 

"  Bobby  "  Burns  foresaw  the  character  of  the  modern  news-  NEWSPAPER  MEN. 
paper  reporter.  The  omnipotent,  searching1  and  tireless  seeker 
of  information,  who  searchingly  investigated  every  nook  and 
corner  of  the  great  Exposition  for  scraps  of  news  that  might 
interest  the  people  in  far  distant  sections  who  were  not  so  cir- 
cumstanced as  to  be  able  to  visit  the  "  Pan  "  and  investigate 
for  themselves. 

A  chiel's  amang  ye  takin'  notes, 
And,  faith,  he'll  prent  it. 

— BURNS. 

The  newspaper  correspondents  had  a  rendezvous  near  one  of 
the  entrances.  It  was  a  small  building,  where  visiting  editors 
were  enabled  to  secure  printed  slips  containing  matter  apper- 
taining to  the  Exposition. 

Uncle  Hank  was  quite  a  frequent  visitor  to  this  building,  and 
was  an  ever  welcome  guest,  as  he  was  very  talkative,  and  news- 
paper men  like  talkative  people. 

One  of  the  secrets  of  Senator  Depew's  popularity  is  his  ever- 
ready  willingness  to  talk  to  reporters.  Consequently  the  Sen- 
ator gets  many  a  mindly  word  from  the  writer  in  return  for  his 
courtesy. 

One  of  the  most  heartily  abused  men  that  ever  graced  public 
life  was  General  Benjamin  F.  Butler,  who  was  reviled  and  cari- 
catured all  over  the  land.  This  was  due  solely  to  the  fact  that 
he  was  brusque  and  abusive  to  a  degree  to  newspaper  men,  for 
whom  he  professed  to  have  the  utmost  contempt.  And  they 
in  turn  spared  no  opportunity  to  ridicule  and  caricature  him. 
He  was,  however,  quite  impervious  to  their  attacks,  and  seemed 
to  care  very  little  for  what  was  said  of  him,  although  in  the 
latter  part  of  his  life  he  declared  that  it  was  very  bad  policy 
for  a  public  man  to  gain  the  enmity  of  the  newspaper  frater- 
nity. 

The  journalists  at  the  Exposition   were  a  merry  lot,  ever 


246 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


CtJ 


BAKKR'S  COCOA!     WHY  BE'ANT  ET  JF.ST  EZ  GOOD  FFR  HUTCHERS,  GROCERS 
LAWYERS,  POCTERS,  AN  FARMERS  EZ  WELL  EZ  BAKERS?" 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.'  247 

ready  for  a  lark  or  frolic,  and  they  always  welcomed  Uncle        UNCLE  HANKS 
Hank,  whose  ready  tongue  and  sharp  rejoinders  often  served 
to  sharpen  their  wits. 

"  I  say,  Uncle,"  exclaimed  a  veteran,  "  you  don't  take  much 
stock  in  us  newspaper  men,  do  you  ?" 

"  Air  ye  anxshus  tew  hear  my  opinyun  ov  you  noospapei 
fellows  ?"  he  inquired. 

"Yes,  Hank.     What's  your  opinion  of  the  Press  ?" 

"Wai,  et's  the  publick's  watch-dog  ;  an  ef  et  wasn't  fer  th 
warnin'  barks  et's  continually  givin',  them  political  thieves  'd 
rob  th'  couniry  till  ther  wasn't  a  bone  left." 

"  We're  glad  you  entertain  such  a  good  opinion  of  us,  but  I'm 
afraid  we  don't  all  deserve  it." 

"  Thar's  black  sheep  tew  be  faound  in  every  flock,"  continued 
Hank,  "  an'  I  calklate  thar's  sum  tew  be  faound  among  ye.  But 
tew  take  th'  hull  lot  ov  ye,  I  guess  yer  az  hard-workin'  a  lot  ov 
well-intenshuned  fellers  ez  ye  kin  find  anywhere." 

"Well,"  observed  the  Veteran,  "the  Press  is  certainly  the 
bulwark  of  the  Nation,  and  the  framers  of  the  Constitution  did 
wisely  in  guaranteeing  its  perfect  freedom." 

"  Thar's  no  danger  in  grantin'  the  fullest  freedom  tew  ther 
Press,"  remarked  the  old  man.  "  Fer  I  look  upon  the  noospaper 
bizness  th'  same  ez  eny  other  bizness  :  yer  manttfactur  artikels 
ov  commerse  when  ye  print  papers  tew  sell.  Ef  ye  make  er 
good  artikel  th'  peeple'll  buy  et,  an'  yer  kin  rely  on  th'  peeple 
tew  regulate  th'  quality  ov  th'  goods  they'll  buy,  an*  ez  Abe 
Linken  sed,  'yekant  fool  all  th'  peeple  all  th'  time.'  " 

"Well,  Uncle,"  chimed  in  one  of  his  listeners,  "  you're  quite 
a  philosopher." 

"  Filosophy  aint  nothin'  more'n  common  sense  biled  daown," 
concluded  Hank,  as  he  moved  off  in  company  with  the  Veteran. 

As  the  pair  approached  the  beautiful  building  occupied  by 
the  Baker  Chocolate  Company,  Uncle  Hank's  eye  caught  the 
inscription  over  the  entrance  :  "  Baker's  Cocoa."  He  stopped 
for  a  moment  to  comment  upon  it.  Said  he  : 


248 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


NAOW,    THEl'S   A   GOOD   IDEE  ;   MAKE   EM   PAY   A  CENT   PER   A   GLASS   AN   THEY  LL   APPRECIATE 

ET  J    BUT    FF   YE   GIV   ET   TEW   EM   FREE   THEY'LL   THINK   ET   AIN*T 

NO   GOOD.      ET'S   REEL   HUMAN    NATUR." 


AROUND   THE    "PAN.' 


249 


"  Baker's  cocoa  !  Why  be'ant  et  jest  ez  good  fer  butchers, 
grocers,  lawyers,  docters,  an  farmers  ez  well  ez  bakers  ?" 

A  little  further  along  the  pair  stopped  at  a  pagoda-like 
structure  containing  what  looked  like  an  immense  ice  cooler, 
behind  which  stood  an  attractive-looking  young  lady  dispensing 
glasses  of  spring  water  to  a  thirsty  crowd. 

On  closer  inspection  it  proved  to  belong  to  the  Geneva  Lithia 
Springs  Company. 

By  placing  a  penny  in  a  slot  sufficient  lithia  water  to  fill  a 
good-sized  tumbler  was  released,  and  a  really  good  glass  of 
deliciously  cool  water  was  furnished  at  a  nominal  cost. 

Uncle  Hank  remarked  to  his  companion  as  they  sampled  a 
glass : 

"  Naow,  thet's  a  good  idee,  make  em  pay  a  cent  fer  a  glass  an 

they'll  appreciate  et;  but 
ef  ye  giv  et  tew  em  free 
they'll  think  et  ain't  no 
good.  Et's  reel  human 
natur." 

"That's  so,  Uncle," 
remarked  his  compan- 
ion. "  Money  talks." 

"  Besides,"  continued 
the  old  man,  "et  en- 
kourages  th'  drinkin  ov 


water,  an  thet's  a  good 
thing.  Why,  over  ther 
in  Alt  Noormbug,  they 
drink  hundreds  ov 
schoppens  ov  wine  every 
day  till  they  kant  see." 
"Well,  you  know  Tim- 
othy said,  '  take  a  little 
wine  for  thy  stomach's 


A   GLASS   OF   WATER. 


250  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


AN   INDIAN   WITH   A   SPEAR    POISED   READY   TO  STRIKE   A    FISH   IN   THE   WATER    BELOW. 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


sake,'  "  remarked  the  journalist,  who  was  rather  partial  to 
liquor  that  was  a  little  stronger  than  water. 

"  Yas,  but  ye'll  notis  he  said  a  little"  was  Hank's  rejoinder. 

"Well,  you  caught  me  that  time,"  laughingly  replied  the 
journalist.  "I  guess  I  had  better  not  throw  any  more  quota- 
tions at  you,  although  as  a  rule  I  am  a  great  believer  in  apt 
quotations  to  point  a  moral,  or  to  adorn  a  tale." 

Next  to  the  originator  of  a  good  sentence,  is  the  first  quoter  of  it. 

— EMERSON. 

They  had  now  reached  the  entrance  to  Horticultural  Build- 
ing, where  the  journalist  was  directing  his  footsteps  to  investi- 
gate what  he  had  been  informed  was  the  best  Pan-American 
exhibit  of  the  Exposition.  A  most  complete  collection  of  food 
plants  was  sent  from  Central  and  South  American  plantations; 
there  were  also  growing  some  very  fine  tea  plants  from  South 
Carolina. 

"  The  Agricultural  Department,"  remarked  the  journalist  to 
Uncle  Hank,  "  some  years  ago  tried  to  raise  tea  in  the  Southern 
States  and  failed.  Then  a  private  capitalist  took  the  matter 
up  and  succeeded  with  a  good-sized  plantation  in  South  Caro- 
lina. His  greatest  difficulty  was  in  securing  proper  labor,  as 
the  hands  of  adults  in  that  section  were  too  clumsy  for  delicate 
tea-picking.  He  finally  established  schools  on  his  plantation, 
and  after  many  trials  succeeded  in  sufficiently  educating  the 
colored  children  in  the  neighborhood  to  do  the  work  sufficiently 
well  for  the  purpose,  and  proved  that  tea  culture  in  the  South 
could  be  made  remuneratively  successful.  So  you  see,  Uncle, 
we  may  eventually  have  tea  so  cheap  that  it  may  become  our 
national  drink." 

"  Yas,  I've  hearin  tell  ov  considerabul  cups  ov  tea  bein  drunk 
by  members  ov  Congress  daown  in  thet  restyrant  under  th' 
Capitol  at  Washinton,"  remarked  Uncle  Hank  with  a  knowing 
wink. 


AMERICAN   TEA. 


252 


AROUND   THE   "PAN.' 


"WAL,    ETS    NOT    A    HAD    IDEE,    ET    THROWS    A    LOT    OV    SUNSHINE   IN    TEW    THER 
LIVES    WHEN   THEY    WIN    PRIZES    LIKE    THKT — EVEN    EF    ET 

is  ONY  AN  ADVERTISIN'  SK.EME." 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  253 

While  his  journalistic  friend  remained  to  continue  his  in-         A  REMINISCENCE. 
vestigations,  Uncle  Hank  proceeded  on  his  sight-seeing  tour. 

Just  outside  the  building  he  stopped  to  look  at  a  statue  of  an 
Indian  with  a  spear  poised  ready  to  strike  a  fish  in  the  water 
below. 

It  was  a  very  clever  bit  of  modeling,  the  muscles  and  ten- 
dons in  the  arms  being  depicted  with  life-like  accuracy.  The 
old  man  could  not  help  admiring  it,  as  it  carried  him  back  to 
the  days  of  his  youth  when  he  had  used  almost  the  same  kind 
of  spear  to  catch  salmon  Indian  fashion  in  the  Kennebec  River 
"  way  down  East  "  many  years  ago. 

A  little  girl  of  perhaps  eight  years  of  age  came  out  of  the 
Manufacturer's  Building  clapping  her  hands  with  glee  ;  she  was 
accompanied  by  two  other  children,  a  boy  and  a  girl  of  nearly 
the  same  age,  who  seemed  to  share  in  her  enthusiastic  happi- 
ness. Every  once  in  a  while  she  would  stop  and  eagerly  scan 
a  slip  of  paper  to  make  sure  her  eyes  did  not  deceive  her.  She 
was  so  engrossed  with  reading  and  re-reading  the  slip  of  paper 
that  she  did  not  notice  where  she  was  going,  and  ran  right  into 
Uncle  Hank  as  he  stood  contemplating  the  Indian  statue. 

"  Hello,  thar  !  little  gal,"  he  exclaimed,  "  whar  air  ye  goin 
so  fast  ?  Ye  seem  tew  be  excited." 

"  Well,  you  see,  Mister,  I've  just  won  five  dollars,"  replied 
the  little  one. 

"  Yes,"  eagerly  chimed  in  one  of  her  companions,  "  she'  won 
a  prize,  and  now  we're  on  our  way  to  get  the  money  for  her," 

"  Wai,  little  one,  tell  me  all  abaout  et  ;  whar  did  ye  win  th' 
prize  thet's  excitin  ye  so  ?"  inquiringly  asked  Hank,  his  inquisi- 
tive nature  asserting  itself. 

"  Why,  right  over  there,"  the  little  girl  replied,  pointing  her 
finger  in  the  direction  of  a  booth  that  was  surrounded  by  a 
large  crowd. 

"  Wai,  sissy,  I  congratoolate  ye  on  yer  good  luck,"  replied  he, 
as  he  strode  over  to  the  booth  in  question. 


254 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


"BY  GINGER!  THET'S  AX  AWKWARD  SQUAD.     HAY  FOOT!  STRAW  FOOT!  KEEP  STEP  THAR. 


AROUND  THE   "PAN." 


255 


There  he  found  a  handsomely  decorated  pavilion,  m  the 
centre  of  which  stood  a  statuette,  cast  in  soap,  of  a  little  girl 
holding1  a  large  cake  of  Sunshine  soap  in  her  arms. 

Uncle  Hank  asked  the  attendant  in  charge  what  the  scheme 
was  that  caused  so  much  excitement  among  the  children  about, 
who  were  all  talking  about  the  prize  just  awarded. 

"  You  see,"  remarked  the  young  lady,  "the  exhibitors  of  this 
soap  thought  it  would  be  a  good  thing  to  give  away  a  prize 
every  week  to  the  child  who  guessed  the  nearest  to  the  weight 
of  a  soap  statuette,  and  the  children  got  very  excited  over  it.' 

"  Wai,  et's  not  a  bad  idee,"  he  chuckled  ;  "  et  throws  a  lot  ov 
sunshine  in  tew  ther  lives  when  they  win  prizes  like  thet — 
even  ef  et  is  ony  an  advertisin'  skeme." 

Military  exactness  marked  the  maneuvers  of  the  Exposition 
police.  Every  afternoon  toward  sunset  a  squad  of  guardians 
of  the  peace  would  strut  majestically  across  the  Plaza  on  their 
way  to  their  several  stations.  As  the  police  force  was  recruited 
principally  from  the  rural  districts  closely  adjacent  to  Buffalo, 
and  had  had  no  preparatory  drilling,  their  movements  were 
decidedly  awkward  and  provoked  many  smiles  from  the  visiting 
throngs. 

"  By  ginger  !  Thet's  an  awkward  squad.  Hay  foot !  Straw 
foot !  Keep  step,  thar  !  "  called  out  Uncle  Hank,  as  a  squad 
passed  by,  and  the  verdant  policemen  grinned  broadly  as  they 
tried  to  maintain  the  regulation  step. 

But  there  was  one  thing  to  be  said  in  favor  of  the  police 
force  at  the  Pan-American  Exposition,  what  it  lacked  in 
military  discipline  it  fully  made  up  in  politeness.  No  stranger 
within  the  gates  ever  asked  for  information  without  getting  a 
polite  answer  from  the  honest  fellows  on  guard. 

"  I  see  they  vised  the  Pan-Amerky  colors  on  them  buildins," 
exclaimed  Uncle  Hank, 'as  he  stood  in  the  centre  of  the  Plaza 
contemplating  the  Exposition  in  its  entirety.  "  Red,  white, 
blue,  green  an  yaller,  an  et's  a  fine  sight,  er  else  I'm  color- 
blind." 


THK   AWKWARD   SQUAD 


256  AROUND   THE   "PAN." 

A  LAST  LOOK.  Down  the  Plaza  he  continued  his  walk.  It  was  his  last  day 

at  the  Exposition,  and  he  was  taking  his  last  look  at  what  he 
considered  the  finest  spectacle  ever  prepared  for  mankind. 

There  is  not  the  slightest  doubt  that  the  Pan-American  Ex- 
position will  be  the  longest  remembered,  and  will  have  its 
greatest  effect  on  the  popular  mind  principally  through  its 
wealth  of  spectacular  features. 

It  was  a  sight  worth  traveling  across  the  continent  to  see  : 
a  sight  unparalled  in  the  history  of  great  expositions.  Archi- 
tects, sculptors,  artists,  engineers,  electricians  and  gardeners 
had  all  worked  with  one  purpose  in  view,  and  how  well  they 
had  succeeded  was  evidenced  in  the  magnificent  spectacle  that 
won  the  plaudits  of  all  who  were  so  fortunate  as  to  have  wit- 
nessed it. 

It  was  getting  dark  and  he  concluded  that  he  would  wind  up 
his  visit  with  one  more  look  at  the  evening  illumination. 
Although  he  had  seen  the  lighting  up  several  times,  he  never 
tired  of  it ;  it  was  a  spectacle  that  grew  upon  him,  and  the 
knowledge  of  what  was  to  transpire  only  seemed  to  heighten 
his  enjoyment. 

He  stood  facing  the  tall  Electrical  Tower  as  did  thousands 
around  him.  Slowly  the  little  pink  points  of  light  appeared  in 
clusters,  and  then  seemed  to  multiply  until  there  appeared  to 
be  millions  of  them — gradually  they  outlined  the  buildings  in 
rows  about  the  windows,  over  the  domes,  under  the  arches, 
everywhere.  The  buildings  seemed  to  be  obliterated,  and  in 
their  places  were  only  outlines  marked  in  tiny  dots  of  fire. 
Then  the  pink  points  grew  brighter  and  brighter  until'they 
resembled  glistening  lumps  of  gold,  and  the  whole  scene  be- 
came luminous,  with  a  soft  brilliancy  that  did  not  tire  the  eye, 
and  he  was  confronted  with  the  most  magnificent  and  artistic 
nocturnal  spectacle  ever  devised  by  man. 

"  I'll  jest  carry  th'  impresshun  ov  thet  magnifercent  scene 
tew  my  dyin  day,"  he  mused,  as  he  slowly  and  thoughtfully 


AROUND  THE  "PAN.' 


25? 


THAR  STANDS  TH     MOST   POWERFUL  AGENT   OV   CIVILTZASHUN.        ET  STRIDES   ACKOST   CONTINENTS 
WITH    ETS  ARMIES   OV   PEACEFUL  CONKWEST." 


258  AROUND   THE   "  PAN." 

A\  AGENT  OF  CIVILIZATION.  paced  his  way  toward  the  exit.  "  Et  makes  me  think  ov  th' 
fairy-land  thet  I  used  ter  beleeve  in  when  I  waz  a  child  menny, 
menny  years  ago,  afore  I  hed  ther  romanse  all  knocked  out  ov 
me  rubbin  up  agin  this  hard,  matter-o'-fact  world." 

On  his  way  out  of  the  Exposition  grounds  he  had  to  pass 
through  the  Transportation  Building  wherein  were  stored  the 
monster  locomotives.  He  stood  for  a  moment  contemplating 
one  of  the  iron  giants  manufactured  by  the  Baldwin  Locomo- 
tive Works,  and  soliloquized  : 

"Thar  stands  th' most  powerful  agent  ov  civilizashun.  Et 
strides  acrost  continents  with  ets  armies  ov  peaceful  conkwest, 
scatterin  barbaric  hordes  an  transformin  th'  wilderness  ov  be- 
nighted regions  intew  fertile  valleys  dotted  with  hamlets  an 
cities.  Et  enables  civilizashun  tew  carry  ets  influense  tew  th' 
uttermost  limits  ov  th'  world,  an  duz  more  fer  mankind  then  all 
th  Alexanders,  Ceezars,  an  Naypoleuns  thet  ever  lived.  Nine- 
tenths  ov  history  ez  taken  up  with  recordin  th'  deeds  ov 
conkerors  an  ginerals  who  were  nothin  more'ner  less  then 
wholesail  murderers,  an  nearly  all  th'  statoos  air  erected  tew 
th'  metnery  ov  these  militery  slawterers.  Let  us  hope  thet  th' 
end  ov  this  censury  will  see  th'  folly  ov  this,  an  thet  th'  better- 
ment ov  mankind  will  be  better  brought  erbout  thru  th'  agency 
ov  sech  mejums  ez  locomotivs  an  th'  like." 

As  Uncle  Hank  seated  himself  in  the  Belt  Line  car  that  was 
to  take  him  back  to  Buffalo  from  the  Exposition  grounds,  he 
noticed  in  the  seat  next  to  him  a  dapper  young  man  who 
evinced  a  desire  to  engage  him  in  conversation.  This  was  not 
a  very  difficult  matter  to  do,  as  our  hero  was  always  ready  to 
talk. 

"  Well,  Uncle,"  said  the  young  man,  "  I  suppose  you've  seen 
the  '  Pan '  and  all  it  had  to  show  ?" 

"Yas,"  he  responded,  "I  reckon  that  wazn't  much  thet 
escaped  me." 

"  Well,  you  hard-working  farmers  need  recreation  such  as 
these  exhibitions  afford.  Farming  is  deuced  hard  work." 


AROUND   THE   "PAN."  259 

"Oh,  I  dunno.     Farmin's  easy  naowdays.'  WONDERFUL  FARMING 

"  Farming   easy  !"   exclaimed   the   young   man,   in   evident  IMPLEMENTS. 

astonishment  at  such  an  assertion. 

"Oh,  yas,"  continued  Hank  in  an  easy  tone.  "  Ye  see,  I  dew 
all  my  plowin  with  a  ridin  plow  fixed  up  with  cushion  seats,  an 
plant  my  grane  with  a  new  patent  check  row  planter  ;  then 
when  et  cums  tew  hayin  time,  by  usin  the  Buckeye  rotary 
ackshun  mower  with  er  self-binder  attachment,  why  taint  no 
work  et  all." 

"  Why,  you  surprise  me!"  exclaimed  his  companion.  "  I  had 
no  idea  farmers  were  so  progressive." 

"  Oh,  yas,"  continued  the  old  man  without  the  suspicion  of  a 
smile.  "  Farmers  ez  up  tew  snuff  nowadays  ;  in  raisin  grane  I 
use  ther  Ureky  double-back-ackshun  reaper,  with  self-binder 
an  bundle  carrier  attachment,  that  carries  th'  grane  tew  th' 
'lectric  thrasher  thet  outomatically  cuts  th'  bands,  measures 
th'  grane,  an  dumps  et  intew  bags,  an  stacks  up  th'  straw  ;  an 
I've  ben  on  th'  lookout  et  this  fair  fer  a  masheen  thet  wud  take 
th'  grane  tew  market  and  bring  back  th'  cash  fer  et." 

This  was  too  much  for  the  young  man,  who  excused  himself, 
and  departed,  concluding  to  look  for  easier  game. 

"  Us  farmers  ain't  th'  guys  they  take  us  fer.  An  1  f ergot 
tew  tell  him  I  waz  contemplatin  puttin  golf  links  on  ther 
thirty-acre  lot  back  ov  th'  sheep  medder  nex  yeer,  ez  soon  ez 
I  kin  git  time  tew  sot  th'  poles  fer  'lectric  lights  so  they  kin 
play  et  nite  ez  well  ez  day."  And  the  old  man  slapped  his 
knee  in  great  glee  at  his  success  in  "  stringing "  the  young 
fellow. 

The  train  had  now  reached  the  city,  and  Uncle  Hank  at 
once  proceeded  to  secure  his  railway  ticket  and  make  arrange- 
ments for  a  sleeping-car  berth  ;  with  this  end  in  view  he  pro- 
ceeded to  make  his  way  to  the  railway  station.  Not  being 
familiar  with  Buffalo,  he  inquired  of  the  first  policeman  he 
met  for  information  regarding  the  purchase  of  a  ticket. 


260 


AROUND   THE   "PAN." 


^r?^~\:. .( .P  rfv i n  /  ,V  ?  ••  -:.^ u'-.'vy/' 


THE  TIP   WHICH    HE  CONSIDERS   HIS  BY   A   CERTAIN   DIVINE   R1CHT." 


AROUND  THE  "PAN."  261 

"  They're   all   getting   tickets   over    there,"   responded    the         THE  DESPOT  OF  THE 
official,  pointing  his  ringer  in  the  direction  of  the  Joint  Rail-  PULLMAN. 

way  ticket  office  across  the  street  with  the  words 


JOINT    AGENCY 


above  the  door  in  large  white  letters. 

Uncle  Hank  regarded  it  a  moment,  and  then  exclaimed  : 

"  Naw  ye  don't !  Yer  don't  git  me  intew  no  jints.  I  onct 
got  intew  a  green  goods  jint,  an  et  cost  me  a  hundred  dollars 
tew  git  aout.  No  more  jints  fer  yer  Unkel  Hank,  by  gum  !" 
and  he  strode  off  in  a  different  direction  to  look  for  transporta- 
tion, meanwhile  watching  the  policeman  with  a  suspicious  eye. 

He  finally  succeeded  in  finding  the  depot,  and  lost  no  time  in 
securing  his  ticket  and  a  berth  in  the  sleeper. 

All  was  bustle  and  confusion  in  the  railway  station.  People 
were  hurrying  to  and  fro  constantly  making  mistakes,  notwith- 
standing the  fact  that  directions  were  constantly  being  bawled 
out  by  a  leather-lunged  official  through  a  big  megaphone. 

Uncle  Hank  was  no  exception  to  the  rule,  as  he  succeeded  in 
getting  on  a  train  bound  for  the  West,  and  only  discovered  his 
mistake  as  the  train  was  moving  out  of  the  depot.  But  by  dint 
of  hasty  scrambling  he  succeeded  in  reaching  the  platform 
again,  and  then  accosted  a  pompous-looking  porter. 

"  Mister  Porter,"  inquired  he,  "  whar's  th'  Medford  train  ?" 

"  Dar  ain't  no  Medford  train,  sah,"  replied  the  porter,  "  frttm 
dis  heah  depo." 

"  Whar  duz  this  train  go?"  asked  Hank,  pointing  to  the  car 
alongside  of  which  they  were  standing. 

"Dis  train  goestu  Allbiny,  sar,"  replied  the  negro,  haughtily. 

"  Wai,  thet's  my  train,  then  ;  don't  ye  kno  enuf  about  jogra- 
phy  tew  kno  thet  ye  hev  tew  pass  thru  Allbiny  tew  git  tew 
Medford,  Massachoosits." 


262 


AROUND  THE  "PAN." 


UNCLE   HANKS   FAREWKI  L. 


"Say,  Boss,  I  aint  paid  fer  knowin  jography."  And  the 
ebony-hued  autocrat  drew  himself  up  to  his  full  height. 

The  Pullman  car  porter  is  a  small  despot  in  his  way,  and 
never  unbends  at  the  departure  of  a  train.  It  is  when  the 
train  is  approaching-  its  destination  that  the  son  of  Africa  is  all 
obsequiousness,  and  with  whisk-broom  in  one  hand,  he  goes 
through  the  operation  of  bringing  to  the  surface  all  the  latent 
dust  in  your  clothes,  while  he  extends  the  other  hand  to  receive 
the  tip  which  he  considers  his  by  a  certain  divine  right  accord- 
ing to  the  usage  in  vogue  with  other  monarchs. 

Uncle  Hank  was  now  safely  aboard  his  train,  and  as  he  was 
tired  out  he  lost  no  time  in  climbing  into  his  berth,  and  as  the 
locomotive  slowly  drew  out  of  Buffalo  he  stuck  his  head  out  of 
the  curtains  and  said  : 

"  Good-bye,  Pan- Ameriky.  Ye've  made  a  friend  ov  me  ;  ye've 
giv  me  a  good  time,  an  I  ain't  th'  kind  tew  ferget  yer  for  it. 
Good-bye  !" 

And  the  old  gentleman  was  soon  slumbering  in  the  land  of 
Nod,  dreaming  of  the  beautiful  "  Rainbow  City." 


Printed  at  the 

Ledger  Press 

New  York 


000  833  899    8 


